Ariel Elias
@Ariel_Comedy
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113,528
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109
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Kentucky Jew + Time = Comedy.
New York, USA
Joined December 2011
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Anytime I have to show proof of vaccination and my ID, I wish they had just microchipped me.
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Fwiw the club is pressing charges against the guy and booked me to come back in April.
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Tomatoes are the most patriotic plant. Because botanically, tomatoes are a fruit. But according to an 1893 Supreme Court ruling, they're a vegetable. And there's nothing more American than a legal decision that disagrees with science.
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I'd really appreciate it if anyone could please just let my teachers know that chugging a beer has in fact been great for my career.
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To answer the most obvious question, yes, I did pick up what was left of the beer and chug it.
An audience member threw a full beer at
@Ariel_Comedy
’s head mid-set and it was not fun in any way shape or form but she closed it out like a fucking champ and that’s the only kind of actual brave I’ve ever seen a comedian be
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My rapid test turned positive so quickly it actually felt rude.
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After my set, Jimmy Kimmel asked if my career had gotten a bump from all this. I was like, yeah, actually, I just did Kimmel.
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Yesterday, all I had to do was write three sentences, so instead I baked for five hours.
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Stop asking Jewish people when Hanukkah is. We don't know.
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Here's the set!
The stand-up comedian who dodged (and drank!) a MAGA beer can makes her late night debut!
@Ariel_Comedy
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We could have prevented this Sex And The City reboot by simply voting for Cynthia Nixon for governor. There is blood on all of our hands.
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Mostly jealous that the UK can take 6 weeks to realize that they've made a mistake but women in the US can't.
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So we're clear, I'm still writing jokes about the beer can incident not because I'm trying to capitalize on it, or bc I think that's all I have going for me. but because it was a genuine trauma that I'm still processing (I didn't sleep for 4 days) and I do that by making jokes.
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Thank God I'm not lactose intolerant because I am really going to milk this.
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Putting makeup on before 11am is so much worse than having a beer thrown at me.
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Everyone saying I'll get herpes from drinking from that can: jokes on you, babes, I already have herpes.
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It's very funny to me that some people think I set up this whole thing as a publicity stunt. As if I've ever been able to plan literally anything.
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I honestly have a lot of sympathy for Kanye. We both unfairly blame the Jews when we're having a mental health crisis, it's just that for me it's more specifically geared towards my parents.
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Elon Musk wants users to pay for verification. That way we, too, can experience pointlessly wasting money on Twitter.
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This experience has really taught me to trust my gut, and to fill that gut with beer.
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Negotiated my rent down by $175. This is the closest I will ever come to owning property.
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My husband said if things keep going well, he's gonna get to buy a second pair of jeans.
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I hate how some people are saying that my success is the best revenge against that heckler. It's total erasure of my ex boyfriends.
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Genuinely mad he and I have anything in common.
Beer flies at Ted Cruz during Astros World Series Parade
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I'm performing the ceremony for my friend's wedding this weekend. I'm absolutely going to work in a line about how you never know what life will throw at you.
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AOC: I feared for my life, so I hid and now I'm talking about my trauma.
GOP: BULLSHIT
Cops: I feared for my life, so I killed an unarmed kid.
GOP: Dude, totally understandable, don't even worry about it.
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People say this feels just like March 2020, but in March 2020 they gave us money to stay home.
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I feel like that Van Gogh painting should have chugged the soup.
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There were more sexual abusers in the cast of Silicon Valley than women.
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Last night a guy in the audience passed out right before my set, and I was like, I got a beer thrown at me last week. It's going to take at least ten more of you to faint before I'm even remotely phased.
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Adults should get to go trick or treating where we all just give each other extra cleaning supplies and items of clothing that we keep meaning to donate.
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House of Representatives doing a good job showing that when everyone votes, a Republican can't get the majority.
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Comedy is like tennis. It's just you, alone, working and grinding for years. And then some 18 year-old comes out of nowhere and ruins your whole year.
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Elon Musk is the only person who could buy Twitter and then spend all day getting owned.
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Seeing cops on the subway without masks is ridiculous, since they're supposed to enforce masks on riders. That's like if they were supposed to stop murders, but instead, they themselves went around murdering -- oh.
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This painting is in my hotel in Austin and I'm pretty sure she's trapped in there, waiting for someone to come along and take her place in the painting.
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Ah, the writing process. Drink two cups of coffee, hammer out one paragraph, spend two hours in the bathroom, delete the paragraph, scroll Twitter, tweet about the writing process, try again tomorrow.
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I'm really bad at taking hints. Once in college, I stayed in the dorms over spring break, watched 3 seasons of The Deadliest Catch, and read The Bell Jar. It still took me like 8 more years to realize I might have depression.
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An update on the
@highnoonsunsips
(sponsor me!) thrower. Happy to get one last burn in, though.
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I posted a picture of my Covid test to explain why I cancelled a show, and a bunch of people thought it was a pregnancy test. So now I'm trying to figure out if people don't know what it means to be pregnant, or if they don't know what it means to do standup.
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I wondered why I felt two hands gripping one another behind my back
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Still thinking about Stephanie, the customer service rep for USAA who asked what I did for a living, thought I said "Canadian" instead of "comedian" and just went with it, asking what that entailed and how what the hours were like as a Canadian. Give her a raise.
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I've never been Kanye's target audience, but now I get to be Kanye's audience's target.
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I love being Jewish. We always get so excited when we find out we might be related, as if that's not why we all have to get tested for Tay-Sachs.
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This is a joke I live in NYC and I'm very happy to show my vax and I'm glad everyone else also has to.
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South Jersey is the only place where you can buy a gun but you can't make a left turn.
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An unexpected fact about me is that I saw Avatar 3D maybe 7 times in theaters because it was my go-to date idea in early 2010.
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Facebook is sponsoring the Olympics. They're like, wow it's really beautiful to see the world come together and put aside their differences that we caused.
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Here's hoping that the shows discussing me will maybe read my writing packet next time.
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Guys will be like, text me when you get home so I know you're safe, and then refuse to get a checkup for 15 years.
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The difficulties of working out material about The Incident
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People didn't realize that FDR was in a wheelchair when he was president. So that means there had to have been one conspiracy theorist in the 1940s who was like, guys, I know this sounds crazy, but have you actually ever seen him walk? I don't think the president can walk.
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Baby boomers will really make fun of us for growing up with participation prizes as if that's not literally what social security is.
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Ladies we have to stop climate change. I'm not trying to live in a world where I'm still shaving my legs in November.
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Hi it's absolutely more than enough if your greatest accomplishment of 2020 was not killing yourself or getting others sick.
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As a Jew, it's not the "Christmas" that offends me, it's the "Merry"
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It is your right as an American to vote for whoever you want, realize they dropped out, and then reluctantly vote for your 4th choice.
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Elon Musk fired half the staff because he actually believes Twitter should have fewer characters.
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Southwest is the most relatable airline because during the winter I also cancel on everyone.
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Appreciate the shout-out from
@JewishJournal
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A woman on the N train is wistfully looking out the window while drinking a beer. And suddenly I believe in love at first sight.
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IN YOUR 20s: I was gonna workout, but then I got high.
IN YOUR 30s: I was gonna workout, but then I pulled a muscle in my back getting up from the toilet.
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Thinking about getting sick while I'm in Canada just so I can see what all the fuss is over "having healthcare"
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Today Donald Trump saw his shadow, so you know what that means - six more weeks of Speaker of the House votes.
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Either that or this is a Scrooge situation and she's about to tell me she's my ghost of Christmas future.
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The Manhattan grand jury decision to indict Donald Trump marks the first time in history that a group of people from New York have voted for him.
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Tucker Carlson thinks comedy is being cancelled because nobody's laughing with him despite being a clown.
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Imagine procrastinating at work so much that you held up the entire country.
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Wanna feel old? Every dog you meet is too young to remember 9/11.
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I'm 8 years younger than my husband, but I'm forcing him to watch Bones with me to show him that spiritually I'm actually retired.
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The more you pay on Twitter, the more your voice matters so I guess it is just like our democracy boom mic drop that'll show em
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I spent much of tonight warning everyone that Santa Con is tomorrow like a modern day Paul Revere.
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Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we're learning the Greek alphabet
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If you're going to be a writer, it's important to be a reader. That way you can see that a lot of people who write are actually terrible at it.
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Someone should make Streeteasy for renters, where renters can leave comments on listings about what it was like living there and dealing with the landlords.
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Every person who tells you to "do your own research" today never did any of the work during group projects in high school.
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Sorry but I'm never going to like cats. I just don't trust anyone who knows when to stop eating.
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TSA just flagged my bag and opened it because of my "don't die alone, eat pussy" stickers. See you tonight, Nashville!
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Tucker leaving Fox News is like when the worst couple you know finally breaks up. Sure everyone's better off with them not being together, but you already feel bad for whoever they end up with next.
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