Are any of you hearing all those popping noises outside? It’s really starting to scare me….

This is better than sex

Remember to kill a British person today.

What’s not to like about the 4th of July? There’s hotdogs, beach trips, white people losing fingers to fireworks, bonfires, and someone you went to high school with getting a DUI.

Today would be a beautiful day to rip your skin off.

RT @BalloonFlavour: Women on tinder will say they’re looking for a partner in crime then ghost you when they find out you’re wanted for 1st….

Having ice cream for lunch because nothing matters.

Eat pizza drink beer

I let out a little moan every time my tweets get a like.

Look at this lazy fuck

RT @alexamazov: girl fuck you.

A homeless man convinced me to give him a dollar so now I get to kill the next 3 that approach me.

Wednesday is the worst day since Tuesday.

Taco Bell should sell cheeseburgers.

Got into a huge fight with my roommate because I think he should kill himself and he disagrees.

Refresher O’clock

Watching Below Deck with one hand in my pants and the other gripping the trigger.

The next James Bond should weigh over 400lbs.

Brooooo thanks for having me over! Your bachelor pad is so sick!! Do you ever think about how you’ll die miserable and alone?.

RT @chunkbardey: taking your keys on a trip feels so silly it’s like hmm yeah lemme bring these just in case where i’m going they have My D….