Andy Ryan
@ItsAndyRyan
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Pinned Tweet
Her: Who's your favourite literary vampire?
Me: The one in Sesame Street
Her: He doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating gays'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
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George Lucas: This scene is set in the roughest bar you can imagine, filled with violent scumbags who'll cut your arm off if you look at them sideways
John Williams: What kind of music will they be playing?
George Lucas: Light jazz
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
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Spoilers for The Batman:
1. He smells
2. Robin lays an egg.
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Ha ha look at Sam Smith, can't believe the silly clothes, wots the world coming to - this generation eh?
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Publisher: So you've given us a book about a big friendly giant, one about an enormous crocodile, and another where a granny takes a magic medicine and grows as big as a house. What's new?
Roald Dahl: There's this peach...
Publisher: Is it -
Roald Dahl: It's fucking huge
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Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it's actually pronounced 'gnomes'
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Her: Who's your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn't count
Me: I can assure you that he does
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God - imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on...
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses...
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
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Are the Pixar guys OK? When they started it was "What if bugs and toys could talk?". Now every film is "What if you were dead?"
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[Zoo]
Visitor: "I like that cage labelled 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard's escaped again"
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Hey newspapers, don't all go with 'YOU'RE FIRED'. Plenty of other options:
• P45 for P.45
• The Lying King
• Unpresidented
• Lord of the Lies
• Donald Dumped
• Down in the Trumps
• Game over, combover
• POTUS Out Of Our Misery
• Orange Is The New Sacked
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"How come Americans write the month first?"
"That's how you say it, month first"
"What's the date today?"
"It's the fourth of July"
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First date
Her: Let's exchange numbers
Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?
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Brexit will be like when that 50yo guy thinks leaving his wife will open up a new world of shagging 20yos but instead finds himself washing his pants alone in a bedsit sink
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I'll move on to Virgos
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Ladies, if he's:
- Possessive
- Confusing
- Never where he's supposed to be
...He's not your man. He's an apostrophe
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Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
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[Zoo]
Visitor: "I like that cage at the end that says 'World's most dangerous animal' and it's just got a mirror in it"
Zookeeper: "Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard's escaped again"
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Radio 4's Any Answers had a woman call, defending the idea it's easy to get on the property ladder.
"I bought at 24"
"How"
"I had two jobs, worked in holidays, saved a lot. Lived at home" etc etc
"Anything else?"
"My dad contributed to my deposit"
"How much?"
"It was substantial"
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If you're wondering how my decision on whether to get my daughter a kitten went.
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@Sage00749084
@JbKnockout
It was me, and no I didn't get it:
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out "Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here". I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me "Who are you?". I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
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"Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?"
"Y"
"So I can make a stupid joke"
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Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets?
Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning?
If so you MAY be dew condensation.
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Me: My wife roots for me to fail at everything – even the crossword
Therapist: Don't get too down
Me: Oh God, not you as well
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Me: How long have we had that mattress?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days
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Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
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Mother duck made a wrong turning somewhere and it's making me anxious
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Dr: What's up?
Liam Neeson: That's Unknown
Dr: Are you in pain?
LN: Non-Stop
Dr: Painkillers?
LN: I've Taken 2
Dr: Get out
LN: Batman Begins
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Convince neighbours you're shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann's mayonnaise.
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If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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I've been breeding racing deer – just trying to make a quick buck
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Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I'll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
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@o_Fade2Bla4K_o
@PrisonPlanet
Nowadays, not wanting old people to die of an avoidable disease makes you a lefty
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Me: I'm an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they're all birds
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@Gift1stclass
The soldier should be happy that the kid is exercising the freedom that he fought for.
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I love that whoever put this together imagines that antifa sees and refers to Trump supporters as 'Patriots'.
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Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She says: "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling"
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Amazing to see Steven Spielberg hear the classic Jaws theme for the first time
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Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy
Me: Okey dokie, let's-a go!
Wife: You're doing Mario
Me: Sorry
Wife: I didn't say stop
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William Goldman wrote the book and screenplay for The Princess Bride. I like this story he told about Andre The Giant.
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Me: I've lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can't look up anything
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Each Thursday a shop sells the best samosas I ever had, 4 for £3, look forward to them all week. Recently the guy told me the machine was down. Next few weeks: "Still broken". Today his wife was in. "Is it fixed?" I asked.
She said: "There's no machine, I'm sick of making them".
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My wife's mum works in a charity shop. People haggle with her all the time. Yesterday a woman wanted a dress, probably originally £60. It was selling for £5.
Her: Can you make it £3?
MIL: I'd need to get our manager
Her: Go on then. I need new clothes because I'm going to Antigua
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A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
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I'm moving to Germany - I've heard children are kinder there
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I knew a guy in his late forties who was convinced his wife was the only thing stopping a debauched life sleeping with 20-year-olds. So he left her and found himself alone in a bedsit washing his pants in the sink. I've yet to think of a better analogy for Brexit.
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In Heaven
Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right
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When I lived with a bunch of guys, if the weather was bad I'd sometimes say "It's raining, men", and none of them ever replied "Hallelujah" and that's when I knew I needed to start a family and make my own people
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I like to think content like this is doing my bit to make the world better
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Her: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I'm coming over
- Me and wife having walkie-talkie sex
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My son zoom called me today. He said "I wish you'd given me a normal name"
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Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It's a comedy movie from 1980, but that's not important right now
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Assistant: Here's the t-shirts - you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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If Boris is going to announce schools are shutting again then doing that after a whole bunch of kids have had a day mixing in schools following a 12-day break seems to be the worst of all worlds.
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Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many
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The mother duck got distressed again, understandably, but boxing her up with them seemed a bad idea. Eventually she got the picture and followed us to the canal. Anyway, six hours later I checked on them and they were all still happily swimming in the canal
End 🦆🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥🐥
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"I refuse to visit shops that gender children's beds"
"Like a boycott?"
"Don't you start"
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Shout out to all the guys arguing with me that literally freezing weather isn't actually cold. Great dudes, you keep wearing shorts as you negotiate ice on the pavement.
Almost like experience of temperature varies from person to person, giving weight to a non-arbitrary scale.
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@NinjaDuce
@JuggernautBG
There are maps with USA in the middle? WTF? That cuts Europe in half! Don't people want GMT down the centre?
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@kylecordes
If "in most places" you mean America, then sure! Though I doubt Florida sees many days at -17C degrees, and I doubt Anchorage tops 37C very often, while CA and Texas beat it quite regularly.
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[Auditioning for Cats]
Producer: Here's the script
Me: *pushes it off table*
Producer: You're hired
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that's a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it's easy
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Has an actor ever done such a good job playing a villain that every time you see them play anything else you're like "Oh it's that horrible slimeball"?
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"Is this InkJet any good?"
"Sure – we've sold it to royalty"
"Princesses?"
"Mate, it prints ALL the letters"
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Kids overheard my wife saying she'd take me to the bone zone for my birthday and now we all have to go to the natural history museum
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Her: Coke is too hard to work into a palindrome
Me: Is Pepsi?
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"How come Americans write the month first?"
"That's how you say it, month first"
"What's the date today"
"It's the fourth of July"
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