I’m in Bologna, advising Bologna FC on set prices. Found this room in the town’s clock tower. I think it’s showing every winner of the medieval champions league.

3. Booked once in the second half whilst one-nil up for Burton Albion for taking eight minutes to tie my boot lace, then shown a second yellow after asking the fourth official to help me fill in a tax return on the halfway line to properly “slow things down.”

2. Sent off playing for Leyton Orient for “unsporting behaviour” after insisting on playing the second half under one of those golfing umbrella hats. Because it was drizzling and I’d just had my barnet done.

1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

I have sympathy for Ekitike. Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better: 🧵

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.

Old favourite, fan banner on a frayed bedsheet:

Bloody Colin, he wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.

DID YOU KNOW: Wrexham are actually owned by a pair of Hollywood actors. They should really flag that up more.

The Premier League is back! Liverpool will concede. Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football. Plus. . . why I hate Rod f*@%ing Wallace.

I haven't been seen in public since an awkward interview with Martin Keown live on TNT Sports earlier this year. But in October I make my comeback, alongside Anthony. Tickets here: https://t.co/HhF1fq8O5p

If you’re a Liverpool fan, you’ve just lost a pre-season friendly. If you’re a Crystal Palace fan, you’ve just won a proper trophy. Great game. Football the only winner. Plus Crystal Palace.

My pick for this season's Dark Horses: Manchester United

England! The Lionesses did us proud. England is on the map of European football again. Greggs legally have the status of cathedrals. Football has come home. And it’s earned the right to sit on the sofa watching “Homes Under The Hammer” for another four years.

Lionesses through to the final. You just cannot write this script. But if you did you would have Chloe Kelly winning it right at the death. But you cannot write that. #englandwomen

#SwanseaCity

There is not enough money in top level football so I hope that Chelsea winning the Club World Cup will put some pennies in the coffers at Stamford Bridge. Their new Trump-flavoured mascot should help.