Faux Pelini
@FauxPelini
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Coach, yeller, philanthropist, anger manager. Weekly column on @SubstackInc . Contributor at The Athletic. (Parody account) FauxPelini @gmail .com
Joined December 2010
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Pinned Tweet
When’s the last time you subscribed to something and it cost you nothing? It’s like legal stealing
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do they even make uniforms that small
napheesa collier gave birth to her daughter, mila, less than 3 months ago
she's in the lynx's starting lineup tonight
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This is weird but Ohio State investigated Ohio State and decided not to ruin Ohio State’s football program
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TRUST ME DO NOT GO TO THAT MEETING
SOURCE:
#Nebraska
's football staff has been called in to meet with AD Bill Moos right now.
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This is weird but they designed a 4 team playoff for 5 conferences and they’re having trouble making it work
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it’s called the Bible
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Yeah because they played on land again
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Earth continues its dominance
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In fairness A&M would have won if UCLA didn't score those last 5 touchdowns
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If you can't handle fans yelling "hit the ball dipshit" then you shouldn't be playing t-ball in the first place
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Computers say Nebraska has a 4% chance to beat OSU but if someone said you have a 4% chance of being murdered today you’d be nervous, so
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OH MY GOD WHAT’S THE SCORE
By kicking his 566th field goal today, Adam Vinatieri now has made more field goals than anyone in NFL history.
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Very sad, he was playing so well
Jimmer Fredette EXPLODED in China in Sharks win vs Sichuan 114-105:
50 points
10 rebounds
9 assists
3 steals
2PT: 6/13
3PT: 10/20
FT: 8/9
45 minutes
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OH YEAH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SHARED SECRETS WITH RUSSIANS THE DAY AFTER FIRING THE GUY INVESTIGATING YOU FOR SHARING SECRETS WITH RUSSIANS
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College football employment guidelines:
(1) Lose 3-4 games/year: FIRED
(2) Keep a wife beater on your staff for 3 years and and then lie about it: HANG ON THIS IS VERY COMPLICATED WE NEED TO REVIEW THIS PLEASE TAKE SOME MONEY AND STAY HOME FOR A WHILE
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2019 LOSSES:
Alabama: 1
Georgia: 1
Penn State: 1
Nebraska: 0
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how did he even get his car there
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that has to be a record
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thoughts and prayers please
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They almost lost to Houston though
Courageous Patriots have fought and died for our great American Flag --- we MUST honor and respect it! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!
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why have a football season when you can refuse to wear a mask instead
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LeBron doesn’t even have an intelligence agency
Jordan says its intelligence agency foiled a plan of attacks on military bases, shopping centers and other targets by a cell linked to Islamic State group.
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This works out to approximately $0 per player
The NCAA reports revenues of $1.1 billion for the 2017 fiscal year
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technically a territory of emergency
Puerto Rico declares state of emergency ahead of Hurricane Irma
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HAHA LOOKS WHO SUCKS AT PUNTING YARDS
NEBRASKA: 254
OHIO STATE: 0
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LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT YOU ARE PAYING ME NOT TO LIVE IN LINCOLN NEBRASKA AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE SAD
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shouldn’t his parents have done that
Michigan has officially named its starting quarterback.
The
#Huskers
go to Ann Arbor on Sept. 22
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I'm getting a bunch of new followers from Louisiana did something happen or OH MY GOD
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nobody
WHO thinks alcohol is an 'unhelpful coping strategy' for coronavirus cabin fever
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omg take away his keys
One person has been arrested every hour since the start of December for drink or drug driving, according to gardaí
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in fairness if that shoe was a live grenade he would be a hero
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feel bad for the Carolina players who have to face their imaginary classmates tomorrow
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KNOCK KNOCK!
WHO'S THERE??
MIKE RILEY!
MIKE RILEY WHO??
YEAH THAT'S WHAT I SAID TOO
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as a punishment for what
What do you think about the idea for a train that would whisk you from Chicago to Cleveland in 28 minutes?
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This is weird but they made a four team playoff for five conferences and it never works quite right
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oh my god buy a stroller
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Next year can we just declare Alabama the champs and hold a non-Alabama tournament
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ok enough he’ll be fine
NYC hospitals administer 1 millionth COVID vaccination to 12-year-old
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another factor is not having a uterus
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shouldn’t his parents do that
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After reviewing game film I believe OSU's main problem was scoring zero points
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THIS IS WEIRD BUT FIRING THE ATHLETIC DIRECTOR DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYERS TACKLE BETTER
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Central Florida would have had at least zero points at halftime
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Don’t forget to set your clocks ahead one hour tonight everybody
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fine I'll do it
Interim athletic director will be named in next couple of days.
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incredibly sad
Waiting game: Florida QB Emory Jones gets shot after sitting years.
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This has to be a record
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HI WE'RE NATIONWIDE BUY OUR INSURANCE OR YOUR KIDS WILL DIE
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so much for that comeback
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that's because kids aren't poisonous
More adults have died from eating laundry pods than kids
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How is it legal for a college student to change schools when he could instead be providing depth at a key position for my favorite football team
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CAN I GO BACK INTO THE STADIUM AND SAY GOODBYE ONE LAST TIME ALSO WHERE IS MY BLOWTORCH
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I bet it was because of the loss to Georgia Southern last night
and also the other losses
and the other ones
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and for the free shipping
Praise to you, Lord, for this wonderful creation that is the Amazon people, and for all the biodiversity these lands contain!
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Hi it’s time for some weather delay trivia
Can you name the Big Ten coach whose first name is another word for a city center and is bad at firing people who do crimes
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.
@HillaryClinton
@realDonaldTrump
Why do America's young people carelessly drop footballs on the one yard line every week
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Ndamukong Suh
Ndamukong Suh.
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How is it fair that the Army-Navy game is always played on land
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IT’S OFFICIAL
ALL OF NEBRASKA’S BEST PLAYERS ARE RETURNING
For the first time since 1962, the
#NFLDraft
has concluded without a Nebraska player selected.
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thoughts and prayers
🚨| Keleigh Teller and Kylie Kelce possibly shot by Taylor Swift!
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how is this fair
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GOOD GOD WHAT'S THE SCORE
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I HEREBY OFFER TO COACH NEBRASKA IN THE BOWL GAME I CAN DO IT VIA TWITTER HOW HARD CAN IT BE
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