I have my whole life ahead of me. Except for that huge chunk that is behind me and that I can never get back no matter what.

stroganoff, but not because I’m lonely

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Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal

it’s been a while since my friend Adam’s son has sent me a newsletter on Big Foot, but, I got an issue tonight! it’s such a welcome surprise. I’ve asked if he might think that Bigfoot or Ol’ Nessie are behind the sudden uptick of cars crashing into buildings in Metro Detroit.

went to grab a late night Italian ice and a young man in a college sweatshirt asked for my Snapchat. told him I didn't have a Snapchat and he asked for my TikTok. told him I was 41 years old and he deserves someone who can still be on their parent's health insurance. he walked up

I always have a pencil behind my ear so everyone will think I'm a jazz musician

Today, I want to talk about how people's houses smell funny, but mine doesn't.

I’m the kind of guy who can move a piece of furniture and feel like life is brand new again—right out of the package.

sliding them a crisp $20 so they will let me do a cannonball into the cranberry bog

I started my girlfriend's car and the radio was on a modern country station and this must be what it's like to find out your husband is a werewolf

What if we kissed at the Pittsburgh bunny cafe

im entangled with various twitter men

just got diagnosed with needing a bowl of soup

We were going to trade in our toyota corolla for a new toyota corolla and the salesman didn't give us a good number so we said bye and were driving away and the salesman jumped infront of us to stop us to give us a better number I didn't think they actually did things like that

Roommate wouldnt buy me the giant gay bird fuck my life

Am I offended, no; are you an asshole, yes.

My stepmom was the worst singer I’ve ever heard in my life but she sang along with her favorite songs when they came on the radio with no shame and a joyful heart. There’s a lesson in that and I think about it all the time.

my mother knows and follows my Twitter so nobody else scares me on here

“Come Sail Away” by Styx is like the “Stairway to Heaven” of the Midwest.

in the winter i just swap out my legs for saguaro cactuses

If you’re deep enough, there’s a chance the writer will redeem your character.