1984’s George Whorewell
@EwdatsGROSS
Followers
134,913
Following
2,007
Media
4,522
Statuses
44,037
unfortunately extremely online | senior creative, 2x cat mom, former emo kid & niche internet micro celebrity
Ugly crying in Chicago
Joined October 2011
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“Women are so emotional”, sir I have never punched a hole in my dry wall
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Salem Witch Banning Abortion
Trials Rights
🤝
Men not knowing how things work and deciding that women are evil and must be punished
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Drunk me made cold brew and left it in the fridge, laid out my clothes for today and did her 6 step skincare routine???? Still texted my ex tho but nobody’s perfect xoxo
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I am a:
⚪️ guy
⚪️ girl
🔘 millennial
Looking for:
⚪️ a boyfriend
⚪️ a girlfriend
🔘 a way to prevent global warming because if I see one more nature documentary with a dying polar bear I will lose my shit
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“Wasting” my money on take out because I’m lazy? I think you mean “stimulating the local economy” and a “hometown hero”
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[during sex]
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Me: wait
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
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My boyfriend really booked an airbnb with BUNK BEDS for our ANNIVERSARY
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cultural impact:
█
█
█
█ ＿
Gwen Stefani the American
teaching me to educational system
spell Bananas
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Me during sex: hurt me
Him: you’ve gained a lot of weight since high school and your personality doesn’t make up for it
Me: wait-
Him: your tweets aren’t funny and you’re so creatively burnt out you’re forced to use meme templates for content
Me: p l s s t o p
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“Your boobs are out”
I have limited good boob years left my guy before gravity wears these bitches down & I have to dress like Mother Theresa, so until then pls enjoy my nipples as accessories
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My toxic trait is that the barista of the Starbucks I go to thinks she remembers my order and gives me the wrong thing every day but she gets so excited and happy she remembers so I don’t correct her and just drink it
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TSA:
Girl [with pierced nipples]: sorry I have my nipples pierced
TSA: the metal detector didn’t even go off-
Girl: it didn’t even hurt as much as you’d think
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In 8th grade I broke up with my boyfriend at a middle school dance & requested they play Single Ladies as a power move but he ended up dating my cousin 3 weeks later all through high school and college & I just got an invite to their wedding so guess who won that one!!!!!
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My coworker just told me instead of coffee she runs a mile in the morning to wake up and not to be dramatic but I think she’s a serial killer
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A year ago today I broke up with my boyfriend because he said I wasn’t going anywhere in life and since then I have:
-graduated college
-gotten a job
-moved 13 hours to Chicago
-gained 26k followers
-gotten 7 freelance clients
-not gotten an STD
-fucked his childhood friend
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Him: who’s pussy is this
Me: Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
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It’s come to my attention my 13 year old brother has started following me on twitter:
Aiden if you ever screenshot my tweets about smoking weed again and send them to mom I will show her your iPad browser history. Do not test me.
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cultural impact:
█
█
█
█ ＿
Lil Wayne’s verse Public Sex Ed
“You better wear
A latex, you don’t
want that late text,
that, “I think I’m
late” text
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29K
164K
might mess around and
| 👀 |
\ /
____| |_____
/ ✊__/
\_✊
Quit my job and move to the Mediterranean so I can have pasta and wine for every meal and not know who the father of my child is until my 3 lovers show up at her wedding to confront me
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Ok so Olivia Wilde presented herself as a feminist but made her lead work with an abuser then replaced him with her “I’m not an actor” boyfriend that she cheated on her husband with and paid him MORE than Florence Pugh, starting a Feud. Also Chris Pine is there and got spit on.
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1st base: sex
2nd base: explaining all the ways your parents fucked you up that prevent you from feeling adequate and successful
3rd base: hanging out during sunlight hours
4th base: adding your relationship to any form of social media
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The girl in my 3rd grade class that told everyone she was part horse and ate grass at recess is engaged and I have been ghosted 4 times in the last month. Much to think about
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By the time you’re in your late 20’s you should have:
1. An air fryer
2. A Caffeine dependency
3. An SSRI
4. Reverted back to everything you loved aged 13-17 as a coping mechanism
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17K
144K
"So are white people," Trump dismisses idea that black people dying at hands of police is a problem
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Thinking about how cows don’t know I say “cows” every time I pass by them and that I’m their biggest fan
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My sophomore year of college I had this guy who would ask to come over to cuddle & when I would leave for class he would make my bed & do my dishes for me and honestly i did not appreciate him enough. Miss you Matt xoxo
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By the time you’re in your 20’s you should have:
-a job you’re underpaid at
-anxiety
-a feeling that everyone you know secretly hates you until you develop insecurities that you’re unloveable and worthless
-a streaming service you steal from someone else
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25K
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Drinking a 4 Loko at 16:
-bad ass
-rebellious
-super fuckin cool
Drinking a 4 Loko in 2019:
-yikes
-who hurt you
-please get help
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sorry if I’m weird I had unrestricted internet access at a young age
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i wasted🤡🤡🤡🤡my skinny years🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡thinking🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡I was🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡fat🤡
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My ex of 3 years who threw away my passport and hooked up with my best friend and also cheated on me just sent me “Merry Christmas” should I take him back yes or no
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A wedding without sex without
an open bar foreplay
🤝
Me, absolutely not coming
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114K
PROS OF COFFEE:
-delicious
-makes life more tolerable
-kills appetite so you can save money
-sometimes I have heart palpitations so I could possibly die before having to repay my student loans
CONS OF COFFEE:
-???
-???
-???
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114K
Guess who found a le crueset dutch oven for $5 and then asked for a new handle from customer service and was sent a brand new one
Guess who found a le cruset Dutch oven for $5 today
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420
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The sexual tension between me and faking my death and moving to a small town in Italy where I eat pasta and raise chickens
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Millennial Job Descriptions Be like:
-must be fluent in excel, photoshop, copywriting, Spanish, English, Klingon, and Chinese
-office keg!!
-free snacks!!
-must have 3-8 years experience
-bachelor’s degree accepted, master’s preferred
- good vibes only!!!
Pay: $15/hr
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No offense but I was raised to “take care” of my husband. Wash his clothes, clean the house, construct fake diaries insinuating he wanted to hurt me, elaborately fake my own death and frame him for murder
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Do I want iced coffee or do I want a reason to spend money and something to distract me from my perpetual state of burnout to get a daily dose of dopamine ™
130
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I May Be:
- a solid 6
- kind of chubby
- emotionally unstable
- extremely annoying
But At Least I:
-never joined a pyramid scheme
-left my hometown
-text back really fast
-never posted a black screen rant about my feelings on my story
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We all have heard about a mid life crisis but no one talks about the quarter life crisis where everyone gets either weirdly into hiking or everything they loved in 10th grade
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By the time you’re in your 20’s you should have a:
-job you’re underpaid at
-anti depressant prescription
-Conspiracy theory you unironically believe
-sense of impending existential dread
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It getting dark at 4:30pm
○
く|)へ
〉
￣￣┗ My Mental Health
┗┓ ヾ○ｼ
┗┓ ヘ/
┗┓ノ
┗┓
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If a man who uses 3-in-1 shampoo ever makes a negative comment about your appearance you are legally allowed to kill him
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“Are you ok” no, my boyfriend watches Thursday night football, Saturday football, Sunday football and Monday night football
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GOING TO THERAPY:
-expensive
-time consuming
-private
OVERSHARING REALLY WEIRD PERSONAL STORIES WITH MY COWORKERS AS THEY ENTER MY BRAIN:
-Free
-power move
-makes them extremely uncomfortable but we are closer after due to trauma bonding
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There is so much panic right now and not nearly enough disco
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PROS OF ICED COFFEE:
- healthier than crack
-d o p a m i n e
-use the bathroom so much I lost 10lbs
-can convince myself instead of my anxiety being a sign of mental illness it’s simply the side effect of a crippling caffeine addiction
CONS OF COFFEE:
-???
-???
-???
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Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with iced coffee, please respect that
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I’m not saying I’m on Sophie Turner’s side but I am saying Joe Jonas broke up with Taylor Swift in a 25 second phone call when she was 18 so maybe he’s not the best guy
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REPLACING MEALS WITH ICED COFFEE CONS:
-expensive
-always jittery
-nutritionists hate you
-always have coffee breath
REPLACING MEALS WITH ICED COFFEE PROS:
-skinny legend
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This just in: if you’re not into Missionary sex while The Office plays in the background the New York Post thinks you deserve to get murdered
Killed backpacker Grace Millane was into choking, BDSM: court evidence
3K
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I am:
⚪️ a man
🔘 a woman
Seeking:
🔘 Attention
🔘 Someone to kiss my forehead
🔘 To be tucked in at night
🔘 Definitive answers on the JonBenet Ramsey case please
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16K
88K
the european mind cannot comprehend this is how americans determine when their seasonal depression will be over
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No One Has All 3:
-a job that doesn’t under pay you
-a brain that produces serotonin
-a valentine
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If he didn’t want a bad bitch he shouldn’t have married one
Keke Palmer’s boyfriend Darius Jackson publicly shames her for outfit she wore to Usher concert.
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This is what my food pyramid looks like
/ \
/ \
/ \
/ adderall \
—-——-
/ shredded \
/ cheese \
——————
/ Iced Coffee \
-———————
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PSA: the food pyramid has been updated for spooky season. It now looks like this:
/ \
/ \
/pumpkin\
/ Spice \
—-——-
/ anti \
/depressants\
——————
/ Iced Coffee \
-———————
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2 years ago today my boyfriend was embarrassed that I beat everyone in beer pong and ate 13 Taco Bell quesoritos at his coworker’s party.
Today I am happy to announce I can still single handedly beat a group of people in beer pong, eat 13 quesoritos and fuck whoever I want.
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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have intimate knowledge of coffee and espresso
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The same girls who bullied me in high school are the ones posting about suicide awareness on Instagram, but no one’s ready to have that Conversation yet
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Waking up hungover in left over Halloween make up regretting every decision I made the last 48 hours
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📍me
|
|
| _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
|
📍healthy relationships |
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _|
|
|
|
📍drinking 4 vodka cranberries and sending a “wyd” text at 11pm
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Ladies and gentlemen, we defeated the cheeseburger
My boyfriend hasn’t posted on Instagram since a pic of a cheeseburger since 2016 and he said if I want to make it on the grid I have to make him feel the way that cheeseburger did
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cultural impact:
█
█
█
█ ＿
Iced coffee The entire
Food pyramid
63
16K
76K
My 2012 Facebook prom group would never have let this happen
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4K
77K
I am a:
⚪️ guy
⚪️ girl
🔘 millennial
Looking for:
🔘Christmas spirit
🔘 a sense of purpose
🔘 the jonbenet ramsey killer
🔘 dopamine
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12K
76K
Every time I hear Teenage Dream by Katy Perry I have PTSD to giving a handjob in my high school boyfriend’s basement to have him cum in my hands and then say “was that good for you”
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this is how it feels to take an edible and sit on the sofa with your cat
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CONS OF BEING IN YOUR HOMETOWN FOR HOLIDAYS:
-you see everyone from high school
-there are three (3) good restaurants
-parents ask weirdly invasive personal questions which is why you avoid them except holidays
PROS:
-???
-???
-you can fuck your 8th grade bully
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4K
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
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Due to P̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶R̶e̶a̶s̶o̶n̶s̶ 𝐞𝐱𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐥𝐚𝐰𝐬, I will be arriving 20 minutes late with an iced coffee
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📍men
|
|
| _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
|
📍a Therapist |
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _|
|
|
|
📍dating a woman and projecting their emotional immaturity and trauma
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me after reading every single a quote tweet of “what art piece do you think about constantly”
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me: :(
* * . * . * . *
. * . * . .
* overpriced iced coffee *.
* . * * . *. * .
. * . * .
me: :)
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A bridesmaid [to a waiter]: what a beautiful wedding
A waiter [about to reveal that the grooms bride is a whore]: yes but what a shame
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Boys be like “she thinks she’s my girlfriend because I text her every day and sleep over 3 times a week for the last 2 months. lmao grow up”
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saw myself in a bathing suit today and hot girl summer is CANCELLED, hot personality summer is now ON
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“Your boobs are hanging out”.
First of all, you’re welcome.
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📍me
|
|
| _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _
|
📍healthy living |
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _|
|
|
|
📍replacing my meals with coffee, refusing to talk about my feelings, publicly tweeting my mental break downs as a dry for help
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We need a Disney Princess that drinks 3 vodka cranberries and texts her ex boyfriend
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