Come find me at the same handle on 🔷☁️, I'm setting this dumpster on fire soon. 💕

It's a little bit like how in 2003 I had a dream that I started a blog narrated by my boobs, but in this case I did not wake up and say "I'm going to do this for real" and then proceed to do it daily for two years. It was a good blog though.

I haven't tweeted in almost a year, but last night I had a dream that my three older brothers took over my account to narrate my life while dragging me. I'm an only child, and in the dream I knew this, it was a hilarious creative project that was going to blow up.

We had a podcast segment called "Watching Porn with Greg Land" (it had a theme song). You'd hear porn sounds and then he'd yell "pause it!" and ask for his tracing paper. "Watching Arrested Development with Greg Land" would be him asking how he's supposed to know when to laugh.

Ok so it's about 500 miles from the SC research facility to Mar-A-Lago, the escaped monkeys should be there in about 3 weeks unless they can hitch, I-95 drivers please be on the lookout.

My child just had the nerve to nudge me on Duolingo. Girl not now.

I have said this before, but it's weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

I was trying to figure out how to describe what I’m feeling right now and this is it.

PSA: I recommend listening to the soothing voice of Sam Reich's dad explaining the Red Mirage and the Blue Shift.

“Swang”?

November 5th getting an early start on its gaslighting.

On the one hand, it was legit an Oscar-worthy performance, I was awestruck. On the other hand, I will never forgive Charlize Theron for making this evil bozo look like an evolved hero in Bombshell.

The Letter to the Editor that the Baltimore Sun won't publish:

Just found my kid watching the Wizard of Oz for the first time in order to prep for Wicked in three weeks. It wouldn't have occurred to me but it's a pretty good election eve activity if you need one.

If you’re just logging back on now and seeing this— A late breaking poll totally changed the state of the race and you weren’t there to Monitor The Situation. Because of your inattention, your candidate is now going to lose. I am sorry you had to find out this way.

This video is incredible. Everyone should RETWEET it so the whole *world* sees it.

Ava dressed as Blade on Abbott was already incredible, but that last throwaway scene sent me all the way over the edge. *mwah*

A photographer I follow on Instagram has put together that his bronzer use amps up when he’s stressed / close to an election and is tied to his days in the rise of reality tv, and it’s fascinating (More screenshots in replies)

My very favorite kind of SNL skit is where half the reactions are "that was fucking brilliant I'll never stop laughing" and half are "that was the least funny, most confusing thing I've ever seen". This promo is great news for those of us on the Maine Justice end of the spectrum.