Ed MB @EdMBNL profile

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

Followers

2,113

Following

199

Media

439

Statuses

3,484

Bowel cancer survivor & comedian. Writer of #SillyRhymes (as published in an e-bike shop in Reading). Facebook/EdMBcomedy. Insta+Threads @EdMBNL .

https://t.co/JQXA49X8jb

The Netherlands

Joined August 2019

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Pinned Tweet

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

I've decided to run a commentary thread here as I go through my treatment. Hopefully someone out there will find it useful if they or someone they know is going through a similar situation. Here goes!

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My boss asked if it was okay To shag me (and offered to pay). I went on to learn It was Pay As You Earn So I got shafted twice in one day.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole To talk with my ex leaves me retching But one thing about them is fetching, So we meet up for sex And if anyone checks I'll just tell them I've had a good stretching.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

11 months

@fesshole My girlfriend was boring in bed. I met someone kinky instead. Too much hanky panky Has made me feel manky With private parts battered and red.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole When seeking to hire an au pair, I went for the ugliest there. I'd hoped, with a munter My partner won't shunt 'er. They still had a bloody affair.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

5 months

@fesshole While me and my siblings were grieving You thought it was fine to go cleaving Dad's favourite tree So you can blame me For mail-order pests you're receiving.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My wife said she needed a nailing Bent over the balcony railing. 'Twas so unexpected I couldn't erect it And I'm disappointed for failing.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My ex is no longer about. Her new man's my restaurant scout. Perhaps she and I Both admire in this guy He really knows how to eat out.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole I thought a sex-club could be thrilling To visit, if my wife was willing. I rued my decision, Greeted by this vision: Man-sandwich, with her as the filling.

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1K

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@UmaronCars @F1 @HaasF1Team Easy to tell that wasn't Mazepin: The car was facing in the right direction the whole time.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole When jilted, I called up a hooker And made an arrangement to book 'er. I blubbed in her shower For a quart'of an hour Then paid for the time that I took 'er.

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842

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole I've noticed each person who bones Where I work, among the gravestones Has features consistent With some sales assistant For video games and used phones.

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860

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole Way back, during our educations I suffered your intimidations. You teased me a lot, But now that I'm hot, I've shagged all your female relations.

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844

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole When coming in after your boozing, The noise was not very amusing. You'll find I've repaid you By calling the maid, who Will turn up to clean while you're snoozing.

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824

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 months

@fesshole My fling's other half's into cricket But spends too much time at the wicket, Which leaves me in peace To step up to her crease, Deciding which gulley to stick it.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole That's terrible! Where did you say these woods are?

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718

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole The girl I eventually wed Thought I could last ages in bed. The source of my powers When shagging for hours? Just being drunk out of my head.

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652

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 months

@fesshole I caught my wife in an affair And had to pretend that I care. I hadn't the chance For my own dalliance As I'm fat, old and losing my hair.

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630

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My Mrs has recently said She'd like one more girl in our bed. If I sound too willing As their sandwich filling, Will that mean next time I'm the bread?

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole At concerts, I smuggle in gear Anatomically without fear: My cocaine supply In a patch on my eye And a half-dozen pills in each ear.

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590

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

10 months

@fesshole Caught short in a carriage one day With no loo, my bladder gave way. To cover the stain I stood in the rain 'Til all of the shame washed away.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole It was quite a sad episode The night my blind date never showed. He was slightly delayed While a mop and a spade Were used to clear him off the road.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My friends all got stuck on vacation Because of my 'poor navigation' So I could still bed (And then go on to wed) The hot girl I met on the Dalmatian.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole This is it! Today is finally the day when Fesshole graduates from poop and jerking off to actual murder confessions.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

8 months

@fesshole I know, if my wife is dismayed I'm probably not getting laid. It's not like the cat Will be upset that The news of its death is delayed.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

9 months

@fesshole I once spent the night with a bird Who left at dawn without a word. She seemed to confuse, Between laundries and loos, Which one is the place for a turd.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole As far as their heritage goes, I'll make sure my spouse never knows. A DNA test stated We're closely related (Which explains our kids' extra toes).

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 months

@fesshole The railway wouldn't award a Few quid to keep fences in order. Our neighbours and we Unilaterally Annexed a large chunk of their border.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole On your 90s Spanish vacation I saw you in mid-copulation. I watched you make love And then, from above Chimed in with my extra donation.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

5 months

@fesshole When wasted, my girl likes to brag That I'm an incredible shag. She's just telling lies As I'm average size, Unadventurous, weak (and a slag).

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448

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I used to get by as a waiter Who served in the nude & shagged later. One 'fan' from those days Thinks I need a raise And promotion or I'll implicate her.

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410

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My partner's incredibly fit. With ladies he's always a hit, But they'd run a mile If they knew how vile It smells when he's brewing a sh1t.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole In my taxi in NYC. Your passenger rating will be A five if I score, Give me head for a four, But a handy is only a three.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My work colleague has yet to twig We've seen her x-rated side-gig And if HR knew We all chipped in to view The harassment payout could be big.

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380

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole My Mrs said, if I completed A marathon, I would be treated To her 'other' hole. Since I achieved my goal, I can't stand and she can't be seated.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole I hooked up with this girl t'other day Who looked awfully like Peter Kay. She was giving me head When I screamed "GARLIC BREAD?" But she finished me off anyway.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

10 months

@fesshole To take a year off education Is more than a lengthy vacation. I spent my gap year Learning Thai, drinking beer, And practising ape liberation.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My first evening out wi' a laddie, I thought what a nice motor had he. Alas, I'd been tricked: His wee Audi were nicked. I'd been picked and picked up by a baddie.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole When I was a rail engineer There's one anorak I held dear. He took (with great pride) My choo-choo for a ride While I buggered off for a beer.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole A two-timing chap that I dated Confided in me that he hated His work up for sale On some second-hand rail So, when scorned, just guess what I donated.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole If you give this fessor a bell, They might have narcotics to sell. From first having need Of a small bag of weed, They now run a minor cartel.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

10 months

@fesshole If your man is not well-endowed But puts in the effort, be proud. 'Tis better to be Tended to carefully Than unceremoniously ploughed.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole I always knew I wasn't gay But live with a man anyway. The team doesn't matter For which you're a batter When both of you have bills to pay.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole To some this may seem quite perverse, How my wife puts cash in her purse: I pay her a fee When she's pleasuring me It's like 'Pretty Woman' in reverse.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

9 months

@fesshole Nothing quite ruins the joy Of passion between girl and boy Like opening jeans And finding baked beans Served up with the pork saveloy.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole With each passing marital spat I go out and look for a flat. I've learned, recently That the market (like me) Is depressed, middle-aged, bald & fat.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole Dear sir, if I may be so bold, I'm not sure you've ever been told A physician might find Growing in your behind Acute pathological mould. Just leave this poem in his locker at the gym. You're welcome.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole I've seen your home movies before, Where your Mrs pounds your back door. I wouldn't have clocked, But with both faces blocked, I checked out the bedroom decor.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole I'm sure if I told him the truth My husband would just hit the roof. Affairs that I've had Have included his dad And his brother/son hybrid's the proof.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole After leading New York's philharmonic, Mere foreplay makes me quite catatonic, But, by turning her on With my finger 'baton' The crescendo she'll reach is symphonic.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole To file alphabetically Has never come easy to me. I get things all wrong Unless I sing a song To remind me phonetically.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole Your Instagram's still on my phone So I blocked each new girl you've known. With such dedication There's no explanation To why I'm still sad and alone.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole I went out to unload my rocks Before helping lift the odd box For you and your dad Who's a charming old lad And also quite partial to...

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I see myself like Robin Hood, Your supermarket's my Sherwood. I'll shoplift your stocks For the charity box. A criminal way to do good.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole Most girls have it tougher than chaps: Childbirth; patriarchy; pay gaps. Despite the glass ceiling Men can't know the feeling As farts bubble up past your flaps.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I'm happy now, being a mother, Though probably can't have another. My husband's man-juice Can't help me reproduce So he's not a dad (more a half-brother).

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole You made my school life living hell. So, now you have cookies to sell, Guess who has your address? Lawyers for M&S (And I said you stole trademarks as well)!

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

9 months

@fesshole You tell me my e-bike is cheating But frankly, we're hardly competing. I ride ev'ry day And it seems fair to say Your favourite pastime is eating.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 months

@fesshole One is man-made tatty Italian stitches, the other is a natty Italian made-man who snitches.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 months

@fesshole I once tried inserting my fist In my rear end, up to the wrist. The sphincter contracting Delayed the extracting 'Til my wife came home to assist.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I hope since we split you can see I've spent some time working on me. Since you and your mates Were all mocking my weight I've been shagging your family tree.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole Expecting some 'Netflix & chill,' I knocked back a little blue pill. Too bad, my cuisine Drove us to the latrine, Hungry, horny, and violently ill.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

5 months

@fesshole New things I discovered by slimmin' Go way past attention from women. Who knew that I might Use Fesshole to invite Some strangers to give me a rimmin'?

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 months

@fesshole I never expected your mate Would tag along on our blind date. Since you made me feel Like I was the third wheel, You're paying for all that I ate.

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293

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I don't want to shame my dad's kynks But he's into more than mum thynks. It seems my old man Takes each chance he can To Google for 'lynk-ups with twynks.'

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280

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My way of avoiding the sack Was hide 'til my bosses lose track. In three years, HR Haven't noticed so far So they pay me to never go back.

0

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280

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

5 months

@fesshole If you bought some mail-order gear, It won't be arriving, I fear. It's been 'lost in shipping' Since you forgot tipping Your postie at Christmas, last year.

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271

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

8 months

@fesshole My job interview fell apart When that HR rep stole my heart. It seems I'm amassing Black marks for harassing The staff before I even start.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole Asleep on a low-budget flight The cabin crew woke me mid-shite And said "We can issue Wet wipes or plain tissue. Will 2 pounds per sheet be alright?"

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole Next door had a cat but they lost it, Then I found it dead and I tossed it. I thought best to say "The poor thing passed away" Than "I used my green bin to compost it."

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole Just after a wedding reception My wife wanted backdoor affection Savlon from the tube Didn't work well as lube But helped prevent any infection.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I thought that my partner was cheatin' And textin' & flirtin' & meetin'. In truth, it turns out All this sneakin' about Is concealin' the pies that he's eatin'.

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263

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole When, once, offered oral forthrightly, I had to decline it politely. I'd never say no If I'd washed 'down below' So these days I shower twice nightly.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

2 years

@fesshole There are many trades that I've mastered: While your house was painted and plastered, I might just have stole a PlayStation controller Because I'm a burgling b*stard.

0

254

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole A Grand Designs feature one day Aesthetically blew me away. Quite shocked by this truth, I rekindled my youth With fistfuls of MDMA.

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250

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole When I was young, my mum and dad Would call me their 'good-looking lad.' But I was deceived. Feedback I've received Suggests my appearance is bad.

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245

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

7 months

@fesshole I hope you did nae think me rude, But if you want me in the mood, You'll nae hav me creamin' By switchin' on streamin' Some Minecraftin' middle-aged dude.

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252

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole When strolling, one night in the park, My laces came loose in the dark. Whilst tying my shoes My rear end was abused But some dog-walker having a lark.

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2

242

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole This is more of a gloat than confession Since my landlord was hit by recession. After ten years I've spent In this house without rent I'll be googling 'adverse possession.'

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243

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

10 months

@fesshole The doctor said thinner or fatter Is diet, and mind over matter. Diabetes type two Or a snack less or two? I think I would rather the latter.

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole Night porters bring hot & cold drinks, Serve pizza & service your kinks. And thanks to a dare On this one's derrière Is a guest's name in permanent inks.

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237

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole A dog suffocating's a scandal No animal lover could handle. The dog I released Was a toy, not a beast, So I'm no hero - I'm a vandal.

5

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238

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 months

@fesshole Pipes leaking, and cash a bit tight, I thought a professional might Trade shagging for plumbing But, rather than coming He left, saying "Nah. You're alright."

5

1

242

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

6 months

@fesshole A cabbie's my new bit of rough So chatting in depth can be tough. He's blue and I'm red Which is hard, but in bed There's the knowledge, which seems fare enough.

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240

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

4 years

@F1 Is it a list of countries that say no to Mazepin? #WeSayNoToMazepin

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Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole The toys in a Kinder Surprise Uncovered my old courtship lies. I told my now spouse I was good round the house. It turns out I'm not D.I.wise.

5

238

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole My brother's top class with a ball But he won't help his parents at all. I've got numbers and names For all his 'away games.' Maybe I'll give the tabloids a call.

1

234

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

11 months

@fesshole Our Spanish vacation was good I had all the fun that I could. While you were away With a 5-iron all day The man next door showed me his wood.

3

229

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole My wife's PT coach keeps her slim, Then buys her drinks after the gym. I'm feeling concerned That her head has been turned And her workout is also 'on him.'

3

0

228

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole A racist, right-wing friend of mine Since Covid, became more hard-line. His pics in blackface Are a total disgrace (Though 4 years back, I said it was fine).

3

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234

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole No limerick for you. To go around angry at people because they haven't experienced the same difficulties as we have will be a very lonely and bitter life.

0

231

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

8 months

@fesshole To ditch a first date, if we screw I say straight away "I love you!" Obsessive behaviour Is always my saviour As long as they don't say "Me too!"

5

1

230

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole During lockdown I grew out a beard. Didn't look half as bad as I feared, But if my chin had hair Before my wife was there Would a hotter girl have volunteered?

3

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218

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I'm so rich & terribly flash I've no time for loose, petty cash. For me, just one penny Is 1p too many. My coppers all go in the trash.

3

2

226

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole A full week my man-soup had stewed The first time my girl and I screwed. Now I'm stuck observing Abstention 'pre-serving' Since wouldn't half-measures be rude?

9

1

224

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole I made quite the sex party faux-pas: My sauce blanche went a little too far. The next soirée, I planned To have someone on hand For a manual 'pardonnez-moi.'

5

0

220

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

9 months

@fesshole Dear neighbour, for your information It seems to me that the relation 'Tween you and your spouse, Very much like your house, Is built on a shaky foundation.

2

4

224

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

1 year

@fesshole I thought doing piercings for pay Would mean touching boobies all day, But most of the jobs Involve holding nobs, So I feel a tit anyway.

4

2

220

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole When I've just finished changing the bed To keep stains off them, hubby gets head The strange thing is, I've found Since this rule's been around Now he'll change the sheets for me instead.

2

1

215

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

3 years

@fesshole If your drug habit's less than discreet There's some rozzers I'd like you to meet Other folks might not mind But the coppers will find More than one type of grass on this street.

7

0

214

Ed MB

@EdMBNL

11 months

@fesshole One question that has me defeated (As one who's adored and well-treated); Why people can't be Just a bit more like me: Polite, funny, kind and conceited.

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219