Dave Sirus
@DaveSirus
Followers
10,657
Following
1,067
Media
131
Statuses
3,898
Comic, Writer, Fake Journalist - Bupkis, Lets Be Real, The King of Staten Island, Triumph tICD, SNL, CC Roasts, Brick Stone — RTs are a permanent endorsement.
Brooklyn, NY
Joined August 2010
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HAPPY TRIP WITH BECCCA
• 210238 Tweets
Flamengo
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Gojo
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#jjk260
• 123416 Tweets
#wewantimrankhanlive
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Sukuna
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Chivas
• 43502 Tweets
マイクラ
• 37683 Tweets
Nitro
• 35187 Tweets
サマソニ
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プロデュース
• 30833 Tweets
Gege
• 29537 Tweets
Yuji
• 28800 Tweets
#BRIDGERTON
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都知事選
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국회의장
• 16965 Tweets
アサクリ
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スニーク
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Favourite IPL
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Pinned Tweet
If you get bored, try letting the terror set in
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The strategy to destroy
@AOC
is the idea that no one can withstand constant attacks no matter how contrived, if u just act hysterical long enough you’ll be replaced by ppl who never knew it was an act
I’d say it’ll never stop but now we’ll all be underwater before she retires
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@realDonaldTrump
are you aware that you just violated the first and eighth amendment in one tweet?
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@mickrussom
@realDonaldTrump
An opinion we should break 20% of the Bill of Rights, compared to whatever paranoid fantasy u have about Obama.
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Trump only hates renaming immigration jails
#TrumpCamps
because everything with his name on it goes out of business
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@realDonaldTrump
The idea that you believe you can decide what is real based on how it makes you look is absolute proof you're mentally ill
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When will fast food companies learn that everyone who wants drive thru for breakfast woke up at noon
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Why does Mitch McConnell’s hand look like he has 23 hours to bury a talisman
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@mickrussom
I am 100% sure if you listed the things u believe secretly happened everyone reading it would laugh hysterically.
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Trump is like a car crash bragging about how everyone is slowing down to look at him.
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@realDonaldTrump
So you want to jail 3 people because one of their relatives doesn’t like you? Yeah sounds like you.
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@realDonaldTrump
why do I get the feeling you only started loving Andrew Jackson when u heard Harriet Tubman would replace him on the $20
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@Clayburn
@Oh_ItsTyler
Calling people trolls because they don’t agree with your hatred of interracial relationships is extremely dishonest
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Instead of "You know the Jews control Hollywood" how about once in a while a "Hey Jews, thanks for all those movies the last hundred years!"
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Very little supervision in that Hogwarts lunchroom. I'd be selling so much weed if I went there.
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I was never a conspiracy theorist but I'm starting to believe Obama's gun control law is just a plot to take our mass murders away.
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Does Trump understand that according to his lawyer’s argument, Joe Biden could have him killed by a drone on his last day in office with absolutely no repercussions?
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The funniest thing about Trump slowly shuffling away from the podium because there was a shooting is that's literally as fast as he can move.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they're part of a conspiracy.
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We were left no choice but to strike so SNL’s off but here’s everything I’d have said about Pete at the Met Gala:
Vampire at Woodstock
If Neo took the red & blue pills at once
Pick up artist at Hogwarts
Kylo Ren’s acid guy
The white half of Lenny Kravitz
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I'm dying for Trump to make it to the primary so we can see all the horrible things he says about each state he loses in one by one.
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Harry having to find his glasses really raises the question of why with all this fucking magic people still need glasses.
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@realDonaldTrump
You said the unemployment numbers were fake, keep your lies straight for once
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@realDonaldTrump
Even my stereotypical Jewish grandmother thinks this is just because you want more war and terrorism
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Everyone who said they’d get the vaccine once it’s FDA approved also said they only cheat on you because you never trust them
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@realDonaldTrump
Let me guess, you posted this the moment you found out your CNN video was created by a neo-Nazi?
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Am I crazy or does this make perfect sense?
#PeteDavidsonforSpiderMan
@petedavidson
http://t.co/W24jARJarJ
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Maybe you don’t know anyone who’s gone to the hospital with Covid because you don’t have any friends
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Remember, the hard work isn’t over, you still have to unfollow Lil Pump and Lil Wayne
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I just figured it out, conspiracy theorists are people who never got over finding out wrestling was fake.
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Sandy Hook parents: We’re taking all your money
Alex Jones: But I have kids!
Sandy Hook parents: ...No you don’t
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If you think Ted Cruz changing the subject to BLM during testimony about the Capitol Riot is gross, wait till he blames it on his daughters
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@realDonaldTrump
Just the fact that you can't tell which is the O and which is 0 (zero) makes me feel profoundly unsafe
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The fact that Jan 6th was the sloppiest most incompetent coup in world history is how we know for a fact that Trump planned it
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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I really owe DC comics an apology for saying that Lex Luthor getting elected president was "ridiculous"
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I feel bad for Pence, he just found out there was a fly on his head for five minutes and is panicking that it might’ve been female
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Mike Pence looks like a guy who came home to his mansion earlier than expected in a rap video.
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At the airport where I found out old maga guys really hate it when you ask them if the Brandon is their grandson
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@piersmorgan
Well, Rowling has brought happiness to millions of ppl on a daily basis, and u make people sick, so which do u think he means?
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Hey! Sorry! King of Staten Island Twitter watch party has been moved to Monday! Please for the love of God watch it then with me instead!
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I can’t believe we’re gonna live in a world where you buy artisanal weed in a fancy store but have to score the day after pill from a scary white guy with dreadlocks
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If Jake Paul gets knocked out expect to hear me laughing like De Niro in Cape Fear
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When this pandemic ends I’m gonna get so drunk I could testify in front of the Michigan House of Representatives
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Wonder Woman wasn’t realistic because I remember 1984 and everyone was learning the alphabet and eating cut up hot dogs for lunch
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@realDonaldTrump
@WhiteHouse
I will bet any amount of money u haven’t decided what that statement is about yet
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Boy my plan of coming out of this pandemic with abs is not coming together
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I had no idea so many people think Superman is real but bisexuality isn’t
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So Vladimir Putin resigns the literal instant it’s clear Trump won’t be president anymore and I’m not supposed to assume they’re about to elope in Mykonos??
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Joining
@petedavidson
watching Prisoner of Azkaban. Weird teacher just handed Harry some candy cuz he passed out & already I'm uncomfortable
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@realDonaldTrump
I think "death spiral" is how they're describing everyone who's healthcare you're taking away
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I just got bored watching the new president give a speech and it was the greatest thing I’ve ever felt
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It’s weird watching Best in Show now that all the dogs are definitely dead
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The sweatiest Donald Trump I’ve ever seen just said he sees no reason to get himself tested because he feels great
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@realDonaldTrump
@seanhannity
Did you just announce that Sean Hannity is the new attorney general?
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Man if only OJ knew he could have just written “Didn’t kill wife” on a calendar
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A guy getting an STD & lying to his fiancé that the vaccine gave him swollen testicles & then Nicki Minaj tweets it as proof you shouldn’t get vaccinated is the best Black Mirror episode ever
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I just left a Ted Cruz rally and I’m pretty sure my virginity grew back
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If this is what they think counts as a million people it really explains why they find election math so confusing
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Trump is firing Fauci and any other qualified doctor telling him what he doesn’t want to hear. He also stole 3mil charity, said Navy SEALS lied about killing Bin Laden and lied that 81% of white murder victims were killed by black ppl.
If you vote for him you are a bad person
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Every time Trump tweets “LAW & ORDER” I’m reminded of how many SVU episodes were probably based on him
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Don’t get mad at your friends who actually believe there have only been 10,000 COVID deaths. Tell them you can cast a protection spell on them for $300.
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And I thought I was joking
Trump just announced his plan to lower the number of people with coronavirus: Stop testing people for coronavirus
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I would empty my bank account for any reporter to just ask Trump what I.Q. stands for
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Ted Cruz is confused how Pete gets hot girls as if Heidi Cruz isn’t a small town 10 and he looks like he was bitten by a radioactive frog
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@realDonaldTrump
@NBCNews
@CBSNews
@ABC
@CNN
The only person proven lying to the nation this week was you
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#FightClub
reminds us of that whimsical time when the economy was so good we resented our jobs & wanted to punch each other for fun.
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Everyone I know who wants to wait to see if the vaccine works before taking it doesn’t seem to realize they’re 3 billionth on the list.
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I did not know he’d be here when I decided to wear a jacket with his face on it
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