My spirit animal is the gummy bear

I don't think I should have taken those 2 caffeine pills, 8 hours ago. I'm trying to sleep and I just thought of an old conversation, and a more elegant way I could have explained some tech. Between a Microsoft customer and I, in 1999. It wasn't even a bad conversation.

Vet told me not to let Mudflap exercise or get excited for the next month. Might as well have told me to levitate her with my mind every 10 minutes, whilst counting backwards from infinity, saying each number in a different language.

To smithereens has to be one of worst ways to get blown

1 year ago, today, I was called a "dilf" for the first time. You never forget your first.

They just played "Needle and the damage done" at this wake and now I'm sad for two reasons

18 months and 18 minutes ago my wife went to her parents "to think for 2-3 days" after she realised I assumed she'd stop cheating on me as part of the post-adultery marriage repair. I've seen her once, a week later, when she came to get all her stuff.

QOTD, @YalnGiri, when I told her my first-born daughter would be named Grogu: "fuck you on a dead dog" She has such colourful attacks locked and loaded, like a Rotterdam dockworker.

QOTD, Yalngiri, explaining a craving for seafood: "I don't even like seafood, I just eat it because it tastes so good"

This feels like it was written by a witch trying to trick me into getting in her stew.

While doing an important research, I discovered that foxes can, in fact, become a loaf.

QOTD, Yaln-girri: "some people are like tofu - they absorb flavour but they've got none of their own"

QOTD, gf: "Jar-Jar Binks is the only good thing about Star Wars" 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Think you can come help out on set man? (listening) Nope, just a little music video, we’re done trying to fake an elf sighting to get on the local news (bells jingle in the background) That's for the song

QOTD, Guaway, hands on my chest: "if it jiggles it's su-su"

This fake name is literally just a part of a ship. Gonna have to do better than that to trick me, boats.

QOTD, gf, talking about 80's music and fashion being cool now: "mullets should have stayed in the mullet-time"

The emoji search box should provide suggestions for "slorey"

123 days opioid-free! I'm gonna get myself a little present. A bit cheeky since the struggle ended 123 days ago and there's no maintenance but I want a present and people will believe that it's a good reason.

I hear a very gentle sound

Exactly 18 years ago I was at Gallipoli, surrounded by Turkish troops with machine guns.