When I was 8, I asked my dad why Charlie Brown was bald and he said “chemotherapy.” I looked at my mom and she said “Charlie Brown has cancer.” Then they both started laughing
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one Christmas, he gave me a wrapped box filled with his toenail clippings
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when our cat got sick, the vet prescribed pain pills that made her constipated. 3 days later, mom found a humongous (human) turd in the litter box
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when i turned 8, he made a birthday cake for me and left the egg shells in it
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when i spit out my first bite, he laughed so hard he was crying
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when my brother was 6, he sent him into 7-11 to buy “extra large condoms.”
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when i was 11, i came home from school and found our goldfish floating at the top of the tank, dead. there was a note taped to the tank that said “it was your clarinet playing.”
[i played the clarinet]
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when i was 16, he found a porn tape in my room and taped cartoons over it
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I borrowed my mom’s car to go to the mall once, and dad secretly followed me. While I was shopping, he used the extra set of keys to mom’s car and moved it to the other side of the parking lot. When the police found the car, they made me do a field sobriety test
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When I was in college, Dad bought police tape at a flea market and used it to “preserve the scene of the accident” around dead squirrels on our street. When one of the neighbor’s complained, dad told him that he was working for the government
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@Cpin42
When I was four or five my dad hid under my bed, waited till my mom tucked me in and I was asleep, and then reached up and grabbed my foot. Another time he came in wearing a monster mask.
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