Chris Stephens
@ChrisStephensMD
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I'm a TV writer and I’m also in a sketch group called Butt. @buttguys https://t.co/n3jMr7q2R3
Joined February 2010
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van. FRIEND: . and?. ME: that's it i guess
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Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
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When Timothee Chalamet first got cast in Dune the studio hired me to read the book out loud to him and every time I read the word Paul he went “that’s me!!”.
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Quick shoutout to the good people at @UniversalPics for trimming the trees that gave our picket line shade right before a 90+ degree week.
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It’s really been an honor to watch people not just steal this joke from me, but use the same picture that I took of my very bad TV.
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Super unprofessional when ventriloquists argue with their puppets over which one of them is the dummy. Figure that shit out backstage.
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When I was 18 my grandma came to see me at an open mic and the host pointed at her and went “yo why the fuck is eleanor roosevelt here?”.
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Classic talk show photoshop rule, if you're going to combine two people to make fun of them make sure the result doesn't look almost exactly like you.
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The Democratic Party has been plunged into unknown territory: enthusiasm!.
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(Godzilla appears on screen) oh god what else is that guy in, it’s killing me.
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Having a nice bottle of red with dinner this evening.
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I’m about to land on this motherfucker’s lap at terminal velocity.
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MONDAY: haha, shrimp!. TODAY: (a far more serious tone) shrimp.
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Please don’t just assume that your friend who walks around town dressed fancy is living large. For many of us it’s all for show.
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I'm about to blow up on barbershop quartet Reddit.
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Can’t stop doing The Northman around the apartment.
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the seven minutes between this tweet being tweeted and deleted were probably the best seven minutes of my life
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Far and away my all time favorite clickbait headline.
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Leave my son’s head out of your FUCKING HOUSE
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"Deepseek could be an extinction-level event for some venture capital firms," per Axios.
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(dressed as a witch on Halloween) yeah it’s from the internet you wouldn’t understand
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You). I feed my dog dog food.
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Pete was 100% created a year ago in a laboratory and has a two year lifespan.
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As a Jew I always feel really left out during the scene in Die Hard where the dead guy's wearing this sweater so I made a quick edit to it.
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PERSON ON PODCAST: well i was hired to write for TV straight out of college, but one summer when i was a kid i walked dogs to make some extra money. ME: (carrying an overflowing barrel of bubbling, bright green acid that keeps sloshing out and touching my skin) aw i love dogs.
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Been watching early 90’s episodes of Jeopardy where the third place prize was a Nintendo. Here are some of the people that won a Nintendo.
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to everyone asking if this is real: yes of course it is!.
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(a guy that i accidentally farted in front of ten years ago wins an oscar). GUY: wow, what an honor. you know, i’d like to talk to you all about something tonight. ME WATCHING AT HOME: oh god here we go.
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I've decided to star brewing my own beer. It's called Two Dogs Fucking Beer and I just finished the logo.
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Can confidently say this is the best purchase I’ve ever made.
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Improv has made me a better writer. Sorry, typo. Waiter.
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Girlfriend asked me to take the trash out, I said "uhh sure one sec" then she walked in on me making this photoshop.
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(a banana is hosting SNL). BANANA: it’s an honor to be here tonight. (an apple stands up in the crowd). APPLE: oh really??. (crowd loses their shit). BANANA: yes really!. (a grape stands up in the crowd). GRAPE: oh REALLY??. (the crowd is crying tears of joy).
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Hearing people talk about how “the nerds have taken over the mainstream!” really makes me wish there were an underground indie film movement being led by jocks. Just a bunch of beautiful, avant garde short films called “The Chugging” and “Les Bullés.”.
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Excited to use my printer (the thing that makes me incredibly angry) to create a gun.
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If you donate to trump's legal fund they text you updates on their strategy.
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This is like if our country collapsed because of Pauly Shore.
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@UniversalPics We'd love to see you on the picket line with us but if you're looking for a way to support workers in need financially please consider donating to the Emergency Community Fund!
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I'm 100% sure Trump has done that thing cartoon characters do where they cut one slice of a cake then take away the rest of the cake except for that one slice in real life.
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Heads up to all the haters and losers out there, my wife wrote tonight’s episode of American Dad and made one lucky fan’s wildest dreams come true.
Michael Imperioli is saying what we're all thinking about Stan, tbh.
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Alec Baldwin and Kelsey Grammer to star in an ABC sitcom that will premiere in the 2021–2022 TV season
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We should be allowed to vote on whether we care about Zach Braff and Donald Faison’s friendship.
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My conspiracy theory here is they tried to find the most handsome members of the NYPD to escort him and this is the best they could do.
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The Try Guy has changed his name and moved to Alaska. He sits alone in a bar. Suddenly a man bursts in. MAN: please, i need help!! is there anyone here that knows how to try?!. A single bead of sweat trickles down the Try Guy’s forehead.
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My wife’s TALL folks. How tall is she? When she signs up for a credit card she doesn’t just check for hidden fees, she checks for hidden fies, foes and fums! I’m telling ya she’s tall!.
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I will never stop lying down on this gigantic chocolate bar.
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Isn’t this template reserved for people that had a *secret* evil side?
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"Thanks. ". (reads Starbucks employee's name tag). "Greg.". (sits down and searches "Greg from Starbucks nude" on laptop with huge monitor).
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There are a ton of pop culture themed pop up bars in LA but none that really appeal to me, which is why I have decided to open my own bar: The That Time Lenny Kravitz's Penis Popped Out Of His Pants Saloon.
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Submitting a writing packet without an agent or manager.
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I think I’m going to write a new joke about Mrs. Doubtfire’s tits catching on fire every day. I think that’s going to be my “big project.”.
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Ok let me get this straight these Hollywood writers can afford to buy a Honk-O-Meter and they’re asking for MORE money?
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Would’ve been great if after all the build up Revenge Of The Sith ended with Anakin Skywalker becoming Chewbacca.
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(santa buying his first hat). SANTA: yeah i’ll take the santa hat. HAT STORE EMPLOYEE: the what.
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Dave Chappelle telling a ghost story and hitting his knee with the flashlight to make the scary parts seem more scary.
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I've finally created a piece of comedy that will stand the test of time. http://t.co/EXy9Cd2Hkv.
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(pitching a sketch to Elon Musk) ok so you know how you’re a fuckin idiot? well i was thinking.
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This is such a funny idea of how sketch writing works.
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I came here to do two things: love, and sing Air Supply. And I’m all out of love.
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You think the sexual tension in YOUR place is crazy? I’m quarantined with these two.
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Me watching you all share clips of that hateful show 30 Rock.
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WRITER OF GHOULIES: there’s only one part of a toilet you can pop out of. WRITER OF GHOULIES 2: hold my beer
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(guy that invented insulin and sold the patent for $1 comes back to the vending machine at his work and sees that the dr. pepper he was eyeing actually costs $1.25) aww fuck!! cmon man!! fuck!!!.
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Rule number one of shaving your head: don’t wear the Dr. Evil shirt.
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The end of Kitchen Nightmares is so much better if you imagine he walks out and says all this to a random person on the street minding their own business.
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Was worried Jon Glazer's classic 2008 political anthem Barack Obama-sistible was lost to the sands of time but I managed to dig it up.
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CNN ANCHOR: this is NOT the america any of us signed up for. we’ll be right back. (five ads designed to trick old poor people into going bankrupt play). CNN ANCHOR: and we’re back.
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(telling someone how to take care of my dog) ok so when you take off his leash say “look out ladies” and when he sits say “wow what a gentleman” and when he’s sleeping say “dreamin bout a bone!” oh and make sure you feed him.
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