Threw out my back sleeping and tweaked my neck sneezing so I'm probably just one strong fart away from complete paralysis

ah i’d love to but i already have plans

hey i can’t come in to work today i have to indulge my childlike sense of joy and wonder

hey the shut the fuck up factory called. it’s time to clock in

not many ppl know this but u don't have to get married or buy a house when ur older, u can literally be annoying with ur friends forever if u want

there are certain angles of your face you should never have to see

hey sorry i missed your text i realized i’m going to have to keep responding to texts for the rest of my life and i got really tired

I'm neither a night owl nor a morning person... I'm just a perpetually fatigued house cat

Body: dead Mind: only inside

If the first thing you think of when you hear Idaho is potatoes than you’re far more mature than I am

Normalize children’s birthday parties where the budget is the cost of a cake

• gross • what’s wrong with people?! • gross! • JESUS CHRIST! • ugh, good enough - me picking out a bathroom stall

Is it loopty-loop or loop-de-loop? I refuse to add further indignity to this tragedy with a spelling error in the obituary.

When you’re so broke you get a middle seat on your flight of fancy

90% of being an adult is doing shit you don’t want to do, 10% is googling how to do shit, 25% is trying to get out of doing shit and the rest is using a calculator for basic math because you forgot how to do that shit

By the time you’re in your 40s you will: • have a rogue hair somewhere that requires plucking • think college students look like middle schoolers • have debated faking your own death • have a favorite spatula • have crapped your pants as an adult See, we’re all the same ✌️

I still haven’t figured out what I wanna be when I grow up but I know it aint takin more bullshit from the patriarchy

Morning routine: 1. Wake up. 2. Check on Zelensky. 3. Coffee.

When you’re a kid you want to be an adult so you can do ANYTHING when the reality of adulthood is wanting to do absolutely NOTHING

So is Kanye gonna be put under conservatorship? Or is that just a thing done to women?

I miss the unadulterated joy that only snow days and scholastic book fairs could provide