Brendan Sagalow
@BrendanSagalow
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Following
903
Media
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Statuses
13,276
Stand up Cormedian and, podcaster (sorry)
New York City
Joined July 2010
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I’m Jerry Seinfeld and this is comedians in cars picking their girlfriends up from high school
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Imagine how Jeff Ross feels
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remembering when my high school bully decided to DM
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Dude, this awesome kid came to the
@standupny
show yesterday and stayed the whole time laughing his ass off. Highlight of the quarantine
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I dare you to make sense of Britney Spears Instagram caption
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I saw my ex on a dating app so I read her bio. I must have done a number on her because It said “I want a guy who makes me laugh, just me, not a room full of drunks”
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Man, for a guy who made out with a girl at camp one time and then looked at the moon every night for 2 months hoping she was also looking up at it I’m sure taking a while to marry my girlfriend
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When the waitress at Applebees says they’re super busy and she’ll be with us as soon as she can
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His girlfriends just keep getting younger and younger
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Bro who cares? Like Dick Sporting Goods gives a fuck about you lol
This is happening all over the country every single day, yet nothing is done
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Please read this really strange really aggressive laminated note that is in the Uber I’m in right now
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One whole year of leaving parties early. Best decision I ever made.
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My dad looks just like his sister so it looks like he's arguing with the part of himself that wants to dress like a woman
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Was riffing on a thing and I said Eminem is bad at sex because he’s autistic and this person just slam dunked me for no reason
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This woman on the W train just air dropped me 16 photos of her vacation.
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I don’t enjoy the friendship of Kevin Hart and Dwayne Johnson as much as they want me to
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I’m gonna win a Tony and put elton John in a choke hold
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Why is Godzilla always smashing buildings? He’s a lizard. A Godzilla movie should just be him coming out of the water and holding onto a twig for 57 hours
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Happy Mother’s Day to all the teachers I accidentally called mom in elementary school
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Mi dad ave di corona virus mi very sad Please respect mi privacy at dis time
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Danny Masterson got in so much trouble, Ashton and Mila got in trouble.”
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My aunt died yesterday so I figured I’d repost the tweet I made about her (she loved it)
My dad looks just like his sister so it looks like he's arguing with the part of himself that wants to dress like a woman
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Last night I was on a subway train that stopped in the middle of the tunnel and this mole person scared the fuck outta me
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Dude in this 2004 Chris Rock special has a phone necklace
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Bad day for everyone who’s personality is sopranos
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Lol god dammit. I posted this twice and got nothing on this app.
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If I’m day drinking that usually means I’m also night coke-ing
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Well today I have officially been doing stand up for 10 years. So I made a video about it. And here’s that video
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This kid just said thank you and handed me a dollar. I do not work in the bathroom
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Me interviewing Jerry Seinfeld
Me: Jer, I smoke a ton of weed and I’m starting to think its bad for my career/life. Do you ever smoke weed?
JS: no.
Me: fuck!
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👻 🚘 sorry for my horrible body. I have a weight problem
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I just remembered a few months ago a girl I went to high school with DMed me about coming out to a show in the city and she brought 3 other girls from high school and I bombed very weirdly and they didn’t even reach out after to say “good seeing you” hahaha what a terrible life.
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I guess comedy inside wasn’t any better for me either
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Thinking about shooting up everyone in the school but you girl.
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I’ve seen the Goofy Movie a lot. Who the fuck is this fish and why does he get to smile on the cover of the photo
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Remember when we were younger and everyone had a bathroom door that if you locked it you were stuck in forever?
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If you murder people in movies you are a murderer
If your comedy is cruel, you are cruel. If your comedy is racist, you are racist. If your comedy is transphobic, you are transphobic.
You fucking wrote the jokes and said them out loud!!! It’s not like god dropped a notebook in your lap and you have to say these things or die.
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I’m watching a ton of podcasts I’ve done to make clips that’ll get 16 likes and I gotta admit, you guys are right, I am not funny at all.
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I’m done with drinking I don’t wanna be old and unhealthy. Plus I work harder, I sleep better, and I don’t spend a ton of money. There’s literally no pros to drinking besides I love it and can’t live without it
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That dog episode of Futurama should be banned and illegal
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I love when a girl calls you “dude” or “man” to subtly tell you they just want to be friends. I’m like “hey bucko! I’m still in love with you and see your face when I close my eyes old buddy old pal!”
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Dude, imagine if in the new Jackass movie they give Bam an intervention but as he walks in a giant hand hits him in the face
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Thanks to everyone that saw me on the Nickelodeon documentary this weekend and messaged me kind words
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I was featuring on the road yesterday. This is exactly what my life is like
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Hello everyone. I started a Gofundme to save Travis Barker. Please donate and share. He doesn’t have much time
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Tomorrow I’ll be 9 months free from alcohol. That being said- I would absolutely love to do some lean if anyone has any
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Went to Disney World and turned all the photos I took into rap albums
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“I bet if mens dicks bled once a month America woulda blah blah blah” ladies I’ll have you know my dick DOES bleed once a month and nobody cares!
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Tried to make a joke and now everyone thinks I’m quitting comedy
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I’m 51 days sober from booze and really have had no urge to drink but boy would I love to throw down a Christmas stocking full of Xanax
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Things are getting real on Boy Meets World, I’ll tell you what.
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I fully support T.I. doing standup comedy because I’m doing rap music
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Back when people went outside you’d ring a doorbell and sometimes the doorbell sang you a little song
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When I sit down to crap and I tuck my dick in to pee and then piss shoots out from in between the seat and the toilet and sprays on the floor
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You ever been listening to a podcast and everyone laughing and you’re laughing and everyone’s having a good time and then it ends and you’re just sitting in your room in your silent loneliness?
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Dude, remember the Comedy Central half hours? I’m high so this tweet is like “what the hells he talking about” but those half hours were so good.
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So far two of the 3 Impeached presidents have been while I was alive. Idk. I’m starting to think this is my fault
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