Joe Bernstein
@Bernstein
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Reporter @nytstyles . joseph.bernstein @nytimes .com
New York
Joined December 2008
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Wife accused me of stealing her élite moisturizer because I’ve been looking “way too dewy.” And guess what? She’s right. Stuff is a game changer that they’ve been hiding from us, boys.
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I think one of the main advantages of going to Harvard/Yale/etc. is meeting really rich people who will take you to their family’s vacation homes over the summer.
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Sometimes you come across a group of Millennials who are still living fully in the Master of None/Warby Parker era. With their natural wines. These people must be treated gently, like the Japanese soldiers who didn't know World War 2 was over.
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I’m sorry, it’s just really funny that this website has given a free pass to almost all reality television, the most manipulative format in the history of human entertainment, and is coming down hard on *Nathan Fielder*
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A common defense of Musk from his admirers/friends (and I heard it a lot reporting on him) is that he really does spend all his time thinking about how to save humanity and that he considers everything else a distraction. The Twitter debacle would seem to, uh, contradict that
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The median restaurant in Western Europe is called “King Taco Burger Kebab” and mostly serves machine espresso to 58 year old drunks.
Americans *genuinely* believe they have better food than France. They really believe it. It’s truly extraordinary.
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I like how much AI researchers are like early 20th century nuclear physicists. “This thing we’re doing is really dangerous… and maybe unethical… but let’s keep doing it… unless… oooh it’s so scary… but also cool… are we the new Gods? We’re full of regret and spirituality…”
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Counting Crows, Blues Traveler, Hootie and the Blowfish, bands of that nature. I don’t think the vibe they were expressing exists anywhere in the world anymore. Not sure how I’d explain it to my kids if I had to.
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My wife isn't going to divorce me for stealing some of her élite, $$$ moisturizer. That's not what marriage is about. She'll add it to the ledger of her petty resentments, which when balanced against mine, come out more or less even. *That's* what marriage is about.
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1/ Last month I had “date night” with my wife. We were resolved to stay out until at least 930. We went to one of Ann Arbor’s best credentialed bars. After 1.5 clever cocktails and some well-considered merguez sliders, we were exhausted. I called a cab.
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When I posted this, I thought it was a light suggestion. Today a lifeguard literally made me get out of the pool and buy a 15 Euro speedo in order to return. (I had been wearing 3” trunks.) Shades of Vichy.
Incredible French pool guidance ensuring no one wears a bathing suit that is too modest
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If she's in it... you know it's about to be a wry examination of adults coming to terms with things
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I absolutely recommend “The Snowman” (1982) if you want to introduce Christmas to your child as a haunting spectacle of the melancholy that stalks all joy, which is knowledge of death
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7/ The crowd is a well-preserved mix of old hippies, activists, townies, professors, and various other over-60s who simply cannot stop rocking. They call themselves the "Silver Tsunami," and they are the subject of my newest piece:
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Adam Levine’s sexual DMs are the Maroon 5 of sexual DMs, if that makes sense
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Between Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, etc., it’s clear there’s an unmet demand for extremely campy masculinity
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Me: "Honey, they're banning journalists from Twitter!"
My wife: *Looks up from her book with the most hopeful expression I've seen on her face in several years*
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Watching "The Americans" for the first time. First season is only 9 years old — and I know it's one of the GOATs — but it's also wild how fast prestige TV has fallen off a cliff. This feels like it was made by a different civilization.
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For my family — for the memory of my father, Michael Bernstein — and for the families of the other 269 people murdered 34 years ago, this is overwhelming news.
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I looked up from work at the coffee shop this morning and my kid was in line to order something
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The spam texts are getting flirty enough that I’m sure they are causing problems in people’s marriages. Seems like a pretty socially corrosive thing the government should address.
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10/ This story has given me a major new appreciation for Bob Seger. That dude fucking pumps
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There was a line in my story about Elon — given his fixation on Nathan Fielder — about how his Twitter bid seemed like a Nathan For You bit. It got cut because the median Times reader wouldn’t get it. But I think…developments… have shown that it’s valid.
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8/ And thanks to the Geezers, my wife and I stayed out until 10 — the latest we've gone since our second kid was born in April.
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@ByYourLogic
You don’t unlock this stuff until you become a dad - it’s like an endgame skilltree - and you can do some crazy powerful builds with it
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6/ It’s the latest version of a weekly musical happy hour that dates back to the early 1970s. A core of people in the crowd have been coming to the shows for fifty years, since they were patchouli-scented youngsters. Now they call it “Geezers Happy Hour."
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I waited 16 years to read this because I wanted to read it uncontaminated by the discourse. (I have trouble blocking out the discourse, which is a major weakness of mine.) I thought it would be somewhat good to solidly good. It’s easily the best novel of the century so far?
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Boys, this man was a rock star poet, who spoke to the soul of a certain kind of American, who only existed for 10 years from 1987 to 1997.
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It's funny that the guys on here who are always talking "realistically" about Western values and lost civic virtues or whatever have essentially no concept of the value of a human life
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Heartwarming: 33-month-old’s new thing is finding small, choking-sized rocks and telling his 9-month-old brother to “open up for a potato!”
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9/ There is a major (MAJOR) division in the crowd between people who do and don't like the Stooges. At the same time, they will all dance to Stooges covers, no questions asked.
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5/ I cancelled the cab. We witnessed something special that night: at least 100 old folks dancing like it was 1975. There were longhaired men sucking down bottles of beer, women in skintight dresses, couples flirting by the bar. The story gets better.
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The Middle Eastern food in Michigan is on another level. God tier
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These are Nebraska football players from the peak Osborne years, which means they were all on world-historical doses of anabolic steroids. This is like saying Randy the Macho Man Savage built this nation
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I enjoy interacting with my family on Thanksgiving. Like me, they are flawed but decent people trying their best to make meaning of their lives, and I regard a chance to spend time with them renewing complex bonds of human feeling as precious.
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If you have experienced political violence — which the vast majority of you, thank goodness, never will — you will know how courageous this is.
Father of the girl taken hostage on motorcycle: “Also Gaza has casualties…mothers who cry…let’s use this emotion, we are two nations from one father, let’s make peace, a real peace” 🙏
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This might be the best tweet I've ever seen?
People assume b/c of my name, that I fit into a box of sorts.
Meet my wife, who has lots in common with me. That's why we are great life partners.
We both are passionate about what we believe, love family (we have 7 kids between us) and have fun in most things we do.
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Brooklyn Children’s Museum on a rainy weekend morning is a wild vibe. Cultural capital everywhere. Unorthodox parenting styles. Moms and dads trying to get fits off — but for whom? If these walls could talk…
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I know I’ve posted before about the squirrels of Ann Arbor, but these things are insane. This one — completely representative — is about the size of a terrier and is so huge it can barely climb the tree
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4/ Then, we couldn’t believe our eyes. We’re in our late 30s, and we were, by far, the youngest people in the club (other than the staff.) By a long shot. Everyone seemed to be over 65.
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At Northwestern it was more like “come use the pool at my family’s country club in Winnetka.” Still nice, not the same
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We don’t have to pretend like Europeans know about anything except luxury marketing and I guess viticulture
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I’m going to be honest, I keep it pretty tight for a 38 year old father of a 3 year old and a 1 year old, but I looked like shit in a Euro “M” speedo. Terrible experience
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Just walked through Dimes Square with my wife. Legitimately has the energy of downtown Bethesda
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3/ As we pushed open the door, at first we couldn’t believe our ears. It was primitive garage rock, played fast, hard, and loud. Great, great band.
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Incredible French pool guidance ensuring no one wears a bathing suit that is too modest
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Last month, I set out to figure out what "dad culture" is today. Does it even still exist?
With the help of dozens of millennial fathers, I present my findings:
The New Dad Canon.
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2/ It was freezing outside. We could hear something faint but insistent coming from a club around the corner, something with bass and drums, something in 4/4 time. We decided to wait for the Uber inside.
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According to a referee at Mark Zuckerberg’s first Brazilian jiu jitsu tournament, the Meta boss was choked unconscious
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The shocked reactions to the fact that there are coke delivery services makes me think a lot of people have been living under the assumption that New Yorkers get designer drugs by like, going up to guys in trenchcoats on the street
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Why was Shel Silverstein posin' for his kids books jacket covers like this
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I have to say, the process under which a British PM steps down, which seems to be some magical sequence of scandal, defeat, momentum, shame and exhaustion, is basically impossible to understand as an American
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I especially like that they don't try to create viral moments on Twitter
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New from me: Have you wondered how a devoutly religious Dagestani man with dwarfism became one of the biggest stars on the internet? Wonder no more! Presenting, at just over three feet, Hasbulla:
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Me explaining to my wife why I haven’t folded the laundry yet
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They also made my 3 YEAR OLD son change out of his trunks into spandex briefs.
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-No gaming with men
-No referring to my job as “The women’s section of the New York Times”
-No boundaryless relationships at the playground
-No Park Slope Food Co-Op shifts with Ben Lerner or any other autofiction pioneers
-No pictures on Instagram where I look tired
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My mother in law’s theory is that men wear bathing suits with pockets around town and then straight into the pool, so it’s sanitary
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Europe expert here (married to a Swiss) so I’ve thought a lot about its qualities vis a vis the US.
While everything is technically “much better” and “higher quality” there, it’s also a huge joke continent full of smug clowns. Hope this helps.
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It’s probably good that the future of mental health is buying ketamine off a guy in a Wu Tang shirt over Instagram
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Hey: I'm not saying this is good or bad. I'm just describing something that was real, something that happened.
Also:
I like coffee and I like tea
I'd like to be able to enter a final plea
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I took the full adult dose of NyQuil last night and had one of the most intense drug experiences of my life
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In the heyday of BuzzFeed News, I would already be on a plane to Kuala Lumpur (economy plus) for a 10,000 word meditation on the life and times of Ian Miles Cheong
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I got a 1600 SAT, lots of 5/5 APs, 4.0 GPA, tennis team captain, religious minority (Jewish) and I didn't get into any of my top schools. I was forced to attend clown college. Not even the fancy, Commedia dell'arte kind. The shaving cream pie kind.
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Twitter: The end is near and you’re a bad person
NPR: The end is near please donate
Cable news: The end is near and would you like some medication for your old body
WXQR: … very good. And next, friends, we’ll put a handle on some Handel.
Get classical radio-pilled.
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3 year old’s new thing when he’s trying to be slick is asking for something for his “wife.” So “I need candy… for my wife.” Or “I need watch tv… for my wife.”
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Me when my 2.5 year old claims not to have pooped but there’s a terrible odor coming from his direction
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UPDATE: After publishing our story, I heard from both Mark Zuckerberg and his Brazilian jujitsu coach. They both insisted that Mr. Zuckerberg had *not* lost consciousness, and the coach said that the referee had mistaken his effortful grunting for snores:
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Lunches with Nathan Fielder! Parties with Joe Rogan! Lecturing Peter Thiel about China! And the mystery of the Ghislaine photo... revealed! Elon Musk's social life, by me:
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I would say 75 of millennial men survived the transition to slim cut/skinny pants/jeans
30 percent have survived the current transition back to a full/wide leg
My initial guess is that 5 percent or less will survive the transition back to slim/skinny
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New job!
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My wife is my best friend and I like spending time with her more than anyone else *tents fingers and waits for thousands of RTs and Likes to roll in*
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Look, I’ve been in Europe a lot, dealing with the people here. The only way to handle their cultural attitude of cool superiority is with your own attitude of amused, pseudo-anthropological detachment. It drives them insane.
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One thing "The Sopranos" really got right about being a father is how sacred a time it is when you make yourself a big bowl of ice cream at the end of the day and how deeply unfair it is when anyone interrupts you eating it
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Like, there’s very obviously a “let’s play dress up” quality to it — and that’s okay! It’s just interesting to think about what it means!
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When I was 8 I used to walk around with a copy of the Aeneid so adults would think I was smart. (I read ten pages, max.) I liked that it implied I had read the Iliad and the Odyssey - and moved past them. Anyways, there are lots of people on here whose whole deal is doing that.
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dating history:
17-18: high school girlfriend
18-25: college girlfriend
25-31: medievalists object to the term "the dark ages" for a variety of reasons
31-38: married
dating history:
- ENTPs
- Seattle amazon bros
- guys who believe in reiki healing
- statistics PhDs
- mormon coded oil field prairie canadians
- political reporters
- political operatives
- dandies and aesthetes
- landed gentry
- meme admins
- my perfect gorgeous tech ceo bf
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The second paragraph here is probably the best prose ever written in the English language. At least that I've seen.
Hollywood financier/producer MRC says it won't proceed with a Kanye West documentary.
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Everyone is like… I want my kids to be culturally Jewish. But they never think about the parts of Jewish culture that are like, convincing yourself you have melanoma several times a year
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@jaycaspiankang
Im just saying the posture of like… what if the stove is hot… better keep touching it… this is our burden— is funny
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@swhunter80
They’re very different figures, I agree. But they are doing a related kind of kayfabe.
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“I lost focus and had a consensual workplace relationship” is a really beautiful sentence
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An incredible thing I learned while writing this: The people in the 90s who got tribal tattoos wanted access to an exotic foreign culture... So do the Zoomers who are bringing these tattoos back, but that culture is the years 1997-2003
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This would be a good final post. Not just for X, but for all posting, for all time. The end, the last one, right before we are all cleansed by hellfire
This is what the “Mona Lisa” would look like today according to Al 👀
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The whole point of Twitter is that it works so well because it puts people who hate each other in close proximity. That hate becomes an unacknowledgeable form of love. And that horrible love is dynamic. Banning one’s enemies inevitably leads to boredom and stasis.
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The Tame Impala guy did like 3 perfect rock albums, then unapologetically disappeared into the great vibe miasma from which he occasionally reappears to remix like, the theme song of Madagascar 5. Hard not to be impressed
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One thing I found out when I became a dad: Many baby shoes are never worn. Babies don’t really need shoes at all. Once you realize that you realize a lot of fiction is just made up.
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You know there is a New York Post editor who goes to sleep every night dreaming of the day this guy crosses a tricky ethical or moral line in public
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After nearly a decade, I'm taking a voluntary buyout at BuzzFeed News. I'm supremely grateful to have been part of such a unique and talented newsroom, one which always supported my work. I'll have more about what's next for me soon. But here I just wanted to thank a few folks:
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@chrislhayes
yeah, it’s just working very intelligently on basically every level all the time
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