I did not memorize the brachial plexus just to stay silent when a movie action hero is shot in the shoulder with zero consequences.

My 5 yo niece: Uncle Empty, why does your watch have a clock on it?. Me:…i feel so old…

Here is a poem explaining why I don’t write as much poetry anymore. #poetrycommunity #Poem .

*10 seconds before grilling was invented*. Guy: Cooking would be more fun if I was also getting sunburnt.

Maybe this is why I hate sleeping. #poetry .

My 4 yo: Dad, what happens when you die…. Me: uh, well. 4 yo:…in Minecraft?. Me: Oh thank goodness.

Someone asked my 8 yo what he wants to be when he grows up and he said, “A dad”. Me: 🥰.

RT @HumeralO: It’s actually shocking how little meteorologists talk about meteors.

Them: kit kats that are broken at the factory are crushed and mixed into new kit kats. So, its possible that your kit kat contains part of the first one. Me: when my bar of soap gets small i squish it onto a new bar. I could be washing with the same bar of soap for 10 years.

Ms. Frizzle: Okay Explorers! We are in the left anterior descending artery, also known as “The Widowmaker”!. Ralphie: why is that?. Ms. Frizzle *pulls the e-brake, and drifts the bus sideways*

…i have very niche content.

They had to shoot through the EYE people!!! The hole the handle goes in! The challenge should look like this!

Resurrecting my twitter account to complain about depictions of The Odyssey when the suitors have to shoot an arrow through 12 axe heads…and then they show some nonsense like this.

Nature is healing

Why was Aang from Avatar so good at cooking?. Because he was an Air Friar. #ATLA.

My toxic trait is asking “Is this still available” on Facebook Marketplace, and then never saying anything again.

If your “Great Gatsby Themed Party” doesn’t include vehicular manslaughter and someone getting shot in a pool then you really just had a “1920s Themed Party”.

There is something i’m supposed to remember today. Could anyone remind me what it is?. #RememberRemember.

RT @derelictvessel: couples costume idea:

Monkeys have already typed Shakespeare! Humans are monkeys and we have already done it!!. You buffoons! You absolute candlesticks!.

When i worked in medicine you’d be shocked how many times i was told by attending physicians that I just needed ONE HOUR A WEEK with my family. I was like “Dude, thats less than 10 minutes a day with my kids! I’m not cool with that!”.