BAZAKE
@BazakeMedia
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
Exactly six months ago
#BAZAKE
launched.
Armed with only the simple sword of truth, the trusty shield of British fair play and a six figure cash injection raised by the sale of ape-themed NFT memorials to our co-founder's late wife we set out on this journey into the unknown. 🧵
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🚨 | BREAKING: Sick pranksters have added further insult to injury last night by placing a giant novelty dildo on top of the already vandalised statue of Baroness Thatcher.
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🚨 | BREAKING: FBI cyber fraud detectives have released an efit of a man wanted in connection with multimillion dollar NFT fraud. The man is believed to be in his early forties and possibly lives in the UK.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Latest leak from his autobiography 'Spare' reveals the late Queen Elizabeth II had to "get on her knees and beg" Prince Harry not to publicly endorse former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn in the build up to the 2019 general election.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Downing Street insiders claim that Suella Braverman "refused to leave the office" when Liz Truss sacked her as home secretary, and threatened to "deliberately piss my knickers if you call for security". The prime minister was said to be reduced to tears.
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We can exclusively reveal the full text of Prince Harry's sensational claim from his forthcoming autobiography.
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🚨 | BREAKING: The UK Home Office are "desperate" to bring home 15 year old twins Hayleigh and Lotti Whiteman who fled their home in Swindon to join the neo-Nazi Blood and Soil Battalion in Donbas, Ukraine.
A petition to bring the girls back has been signed by over 400k people.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Former darts world champion and Britain First councillor, Tommy Pilchard, was today rescued by the RNLI after trying to throw darts at migrant dinghies. Pilchard, 58, is said to have "overbalanced" his hovercraft while taking aim, and is now in police custody.
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🚨 BREAKING: Free school meal eligibility should be performance-based according to a leaked Labour policy document. "We need to incentivise children from disadvantaged backgrounds to perform in school rather than reward poor results."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Members of Sir Keir Starmer's LOTO office are reportedly "furious... absolutely insensible with an animalistic rage" that 'Sir Kid Starver' is currently trending on social media and have reached out to contacts at Twitter UK to have the term temporarily censored.
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We understand one child argued that her poor results were *because* she was hungry at school, to which a visibly irritated Sir Keir replied: "Get up, go home. I am opposed to what you are doing".
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🚨 | BREAKING: The Taliban are reportedly preparing a bid to buy Manchester United via the Afghanistan Investment Fund, a sovereign wealth fund they set up to invest proceeds from sales of the country's vast natural resources such as copper, gold, oil, natural gas and uranium.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Games Workshop have provoked outrage by releasing a wargaming model bearing a striking resemblance to former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, with senior party figures said to be "furious" and "genuinely concerned how this will play out in marginal constituencies."
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STUNNING: A team at University College Borehamwood have used sophisticated AI technology to predict what Diana, Princess of Wales would look like today.
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Ever noticed that the inside of a cheese grater looks like every hip hop video from the turn of the 21st century?
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Meet the 93 year old war veteran, Major Colin Rumbelow, the man riding his mobility scooter to the Ukraine warzone.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn posts a series of incendiary tweets during Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II's funeral, drawing widespread condemnation across the political spectrum.
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🚨 | LOCKS AMAZING: Sir Keir Starmer sports a new, stylish 'do while stepping out at the Gala Bingo Gambling Awards.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Conservative backbencher Chad Bosewick has claimed that this image of Gary Lineker wearing a Republic of Ireland football shirt during the height of the Troubles in Northern Ireland "suggests a Corbyn-esque support for the murderous IRA".
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🚨 | BREAKING: Londoners would only wait 12 hours after a nuclear war before eating beloved domestic pets compared to a national average of 9 days, new research reveals.
Story:
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🚨 | BREAKING: Keir Starmer has told
@KayBurley
that in the event of a national emergency he would 'absolutely' call for the slaughter of the nation's dog population. Seeing how impressed she was, he said he would 'roll up his sleeves and strangle as many as he could himself.'
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🚨 | BREAKING: An April Fool's Day hoax opinion poll posted on Twitter by
@BritianErect
that placed Sir Keir Starmer's party twenty points ahead of the Tories tricked Labour HQ staff into "wild, drunken, debauched" celebrations on Friday afternoon.
Story:
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🚨 | BREAKING: AI boffins at
@UC_Borehamwood
have calculated with 88% certainty that, were Adolf Hitler alive today, he would be a Chelsea fan. They also found that his favourite show would be Clarkson's Farm, and that he would work as a management consultant for
@DeloitteUK
.
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🚨| BREAKING: Jools Holland THWARTED bumbling crime gang who tried to raid his home during last night's annual Hootenanny. The gang were unaware that the show was taped weeks in advance and were confronted by a prepared Holland who beat them off until Met Police arrived.
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🚨 | BREAKING: GB News host Foster Irvine has slammed "the intelligentsia's woke agenda" after Borussia Dortmund signing Julian Ryerson was unveiled wearing glasses. He described it as "pandering to the nanny state... an insult to the English working-classes who died in the war."
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🚨 | MUSIC NEWS: Sleaford Mods has been officially unveiled as Sir Keir Starmer's "Sound of the Summer". Starmer described the Nottingham duo as "punk at its absolute finest". The LOTO also indicated that his toolmaker father "would almost certainly have boogied along to them".
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🚨 | POLITICS: Yvette Cooper has told the Telegraph, "We need a RoboCop in every town," arguing that the fictional cyborg's "relentless 24 hour total policing" tempered by a corpse's lingering humanity "provides a model of community policing the country sorely needs."
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Bazake understands that Sir Keir Starmer's office have hired a "skilled photo editor" to remove his predecessor as Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn from "thousands of photos" of the two men together, examples of which we managed to procure via a leaked USB stick.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A man in his late 40s is believed to have vandalised an Asda store outside Swindon, having confused the classic houmus packaging with the word 'Hamas'. He was removed from the store whilst screaming "will you condemn" at the bewildered security guard.
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🚨 | CRIME: Essex Police have released an efit of a suspect wanted in connection with a spate of recent attacks on branches of PC World. The man, thought to be in his 70s, has allegedly entered shops and attempted to "upgrade" display models with a bag of wires and scissors.
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🚨 | LATEST: Former Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn sparks widespread outrage by malevolently tweeting about a falafel wrap whilst Queen Elizabeth II (presumably) lies on her death bed.
#BazakeSnapShot
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🚨 | BREAKING: Sir Keir Starmer is suing a Moldovan video games company which has used his image as the basis for a character in an online kebab shop simulator.
Labour insiders fear that the link to Eastern Europe will not play well with Red Wall voters.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: A semi-professional football club in London has asked Gary Lineker if he would be willing to front a military dictatorship to deal with Britain's ensuing political crisis. The former England, Barcelona and Tottenham player is yet to respond.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Under fire Everton head coach, Frank Lampard, has been accused of "cowardice" after allegedly sending out lookalike assistant kit-man, Jim Manson, to face the crowd in the second half of their 2-0 humiliation against West Ham.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Snooker 'superfan' Edward Monty of Cheshire has claimed "evil" Just Stop Oil protestors caused the death of his granddaughter's pet rabbits. "I was so angry I put a couple of cue balls into a stocking, walked into the garden and just hammered the shit out of them."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour surge to incredible SIXTY-FOUR point lead over the Conservatives.
Westminster voting intention:
LAB: 76% (+19)
CON: 12% (-13)
LDEM: 5% (-3)
GRN: 1% (-3)
via
@GovPolls
, 4 - 5 Oct
Chgs. w/ 30 Sep
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🚨 | BREAKING: The audiobook of Prince Harry's Spare contains a segment seemingly removed from the print edition accusing King Charles of eagerly awaiting the death of Queen Elizabeth for several decades and Camilla, Queen Consort of "licking her lips" on the day she died.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Pimlico Plumbers boss and Bollocks to Brexit campaigner
@CharlieM_OBE
has called for trans people to be held in concentration camp style conditions. The plumbing supremo has criticised trans people for "not looking normal."
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🚨 | BREAKING: An Elon Musk superfan by the name of Malcolm Corby, who last summer spent £40k on plastic surgery to look like the SpaceX entrepreneur, has announced he will be changing his name to Malcolm X in honour of the Twitter rebrand.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Man in his 40s wanted in connection with an assault on a barista who sustained serious facial burns. The suspect reacted badly to what he called "a dangerously hot coffee" and launched the contents into the victim's face.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Environmental protestors from the Don't Bake The Planet pressure group have thrown buckets of pig's blood over priceless artworks by the recently deceased Austrian avant-gardist Hermann Nitsch in coordinated attacks across multiple European galleries.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Igor Morozov, Deputy Governor of Tomsk Oblast and a Putin ally, unexpectedly burst into song during an interview on a Rossiya-1 news broadcast last night whilst being questioned about the west's warnings regarding potential war crimes in the Russo-Ukrainian war.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Paul Berhalter, the man behind the Western Heritage social media accounts, has had extensive cosmetic surgery and skin pigmentation treatment to look more like the marble statue he uses as a profile image.
He explained, "I now embody traditional western culture."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour MP and shadow minister Jess Phillips has drawn widespread condemnation for kicking her 13 year old son out of the house for not knowing what Grange Hill is. The BBC children's television programme has not been broadcast since 2008, a year before he was born.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Alexander Fenton, professor of poetry at
@UC_Borehamwood
, has described a poem tweeted by Jeremy Corbyn as "the most talentless, imbecilic puddle of liquidised human misery ever projectile vomited from the jaws of hell... He is an even worse poet than politician."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Sir Keir Starmer has called on the government to deploy the army in schools when teachers go on strike in February and March.
"Who better to teach geography at KS3 level than our brave boys who fought for our freedom in Iraq and Afghanistan?"
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🚨 | BREAKING: Sir Keir Starmer's twin brother, Ken, has revealed that despite being 'dead proud' of his Labour leader brother, he will still be voting Tory at the next general election.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Former US President Donald Trump reacts to the news his ex-wife Ivana has passed away aged 73.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Our reporter tracked down Jeremy Corbyn at a restaurant to challenge him on his rude outbursts to fellow journalists. When rebuffed, we followed him to the men's toilets to challenge him further only to be told to "f#
#k
off and leave me be you rat".
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OBITUARY: Her Majesty The Queen
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour surge to unprecedented SEVENTY-SIX point lead over the Conservatives who fall into third place behind the Liberal Democrats.
Westminster voting intention:
LAB: 81% (+25)
CON: 5% (-20)
LDEM: 7% (-1)
GRN: 1% (-3)
via
@GovPolls
, 19 - 20 Oct
Chgs. w/ 30 Sep
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🚨 | BREAKING: A football stadium food vendor has been hospitalised with serious burns after a non-league club's attempt to capture the attention of the
@FootyScran
Twitter account ends in tragedy.
Story:
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🚨 | POLITICS: Bazake Media can exclusively reveal that Sir Keir Starmer referred to the pair of youths that interrupted his speech as "a couple of cunts" when speaking to his assistant back stage.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A man has been arrested in Birmingham where local elections are not being held today for breaking into a primary school that is used as a polling station and terrifying schoolchildren by demanding to be allowed to vote for Sir Keir Starmer.
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A family have made the tough decision to have their pet dog put down because it looks like Vladimir Putin.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Semi-professional football player in the United Kingdom has suffered an alleged adverse reaction to the Pfizer vaccine ahead of a soccer match.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Horse trainer Cheshire 'Monty' Edwards has claimed "evil" Grand National animal rights protestors caused the death of his thoroughbred Sensual Moonlight even though the animal wasn't at Aintree. "I was so angry I walked into the stables and shot him in the face."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Sources close to a rebellious group of backbench Conservative MPs calling themselves The Knocking Shop claim "25 to 30" letters of no confidence in Rishi Sunak's leadership have already been sent to the 1922 Committee mere hours after his election.
More to follow.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Despite widespread criticism, Labour plans to press ahead with its controversial campaign accusing prime minister Rishi Sunak of being soft on crime, with social media posts planned for the next 5 days.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour are considering introducing a "renter flexible lifestyle tax" where private tenants will pay an additional 3% on top of income tax to fund a new "game changing" mortgage relief scheme to help owner-occupiers deal with increasing mortgage costs.
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Home Secretary
@SuellaBraverman
has told
@RidgeOnSunday
that she will do everything in her power to get the girls back where they belong, in Swindon, and has tasked the survivalist
@BearGrylls
with extracting the vulnerable young Britons from the war zone.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A top psychologist at
@UC_Borehamwood
, Dr Marley Cullen, has told
@GBNEWS
that 'plastic surgery oddballs' such as
@CharlieM_OBE
and
@SimonCowell
should be locked away in disused military camps until they 'learn to act normal'.
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A spokesman for the Home Office has said they are "concerned" that the twins may have been married off to older militia men after being groomed on the Stormfront website forums. "If rumours they are pregnant are true, we need to get them into the best medical care we can find."
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🚨 | BREAKING: General Llywelyn Fortwilliam has cast doubt over Prince Harry's claim to have killed 25 Taliban fighters.
"By my count it was 24. One insurgent was mangled and paralysed from the neck down but he could still have triggered an IED if he'd bitten down hard on it."
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: An anonymous changing room source has claimed Arsenal FC manager Mikel Arteta threatened to have the club's training ground dog put down if the team fail to beat Nottingham Forest in this evening's ongoing Premier League game. The score is currently 0-0.
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Royal affairs commentator and self-described absolute monarchy restitutionist Jean-Robin Pryce-Phillips has demanded the death penalty for both Prince Harry and Mr. Corbyn.
"We've left the EU, we can bring it back for traitors. String them up. Let God Almighty be their judge."
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🚨 | BREAKING:
@GBNEWS
host and clairvoyant, Dixon Macabre, has spoken to Princess Diana and says she's backing Boris.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: Gary Lineker has moved in with Jeremy Corbyn. Friends of the under fire crisp ambassador are concerned that "Commie Corbyn has taken Gary under his cultist wing". Apparently the pair were seen drinking glass after glass of red wine and laughing loudly at the BBC.
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Having come under recent pressure for his comments on collective punishment in Gaza, Sir Keir Starmer has reportedly attended a soft play centre in Grimsby to reassure mothers that he does not support the murder of their children.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Father Ted co-writer Graham Linehan has gone on a toilet smashing rampage after Edinburgh theatre bosses cancelled his
@UnleashedComedy
show. The divorced dad of two fled from the venue when police were called.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour are planning to announce that the entire 2019 Corbyn-era manifesto - including rent controls, new council housing and free broadband - will be retained for the 2024 election but only apply to military veterans who have served in the British armed forces.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A British aquarium has drawn criticism from animal welfare groups after 'humanely destroying' an octopus who failed to predict a single correct result during the
@FIFAWorldCup
group stages.
Story:
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🚨 | BREAKING: Labour sources say Keir Starmer is preparing for a "Blitzkrieg of Bigotry" in order to outflank a desperate Rishi Sunak, and will announce that "Enoch was right" at a forthcoming speech at
@thefabians
.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Voter who met Sir Keir Starmer and appeared in a Labour Party social media video left furious after learning Leader of the Opposition "trod dog's muck round my house."
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🚨 | BREAKING: Art collector Teddy Baumgartner, who won a £1,100 Sworders auction for a portrait of former prime minister Margaret Thatcher that had been rescued from a skip, has complained that the painting is, "absolutely saturated in urine, the smell of ammonia is unbearable."
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🚨 | POLITICS: Conservative Party chiefs have slammed Matt Hancock's decision to join the cast of BBC EastEnders playing Wolford MP Dick Styler. The 44 year old MP who had the whip removed after appearing on I'm A Celeb... will be strolling into the Queen Vic next week.
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🚨 | EXCLUSIVE: "Britain's strictest headmistress" Katharine Birbalsingh has banned the trade of collectable 'Digital Wankdogs' from Michaela Community School in Wembley, Greater London after several phones loaded with anti-teacher sloganeering were confiscated earlier today.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A 'desperate' Mark Zuckerberg has called on the veteran electronics tycoon, Sir Alan Sugar, to save his multi-billion dollar Metaverse flop. Sir Alan is set to manufacture a cheap and cheerful VR set, and his face will be the first thing users see when they log on.
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🚨 | CRIME: Police Scotland are appealing to the public to help find a man who has committed hate crimes around the Pollokshields area of Glasgow by erecting George Crosses and shouting about English pride. The man is believed to be in his mid-50s and has a West Midlands accent.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Foodbanks will be forced to ban users from receiving foods with any flavour or face having their funding withdrawn according to leaked government papers. Ministers hope this will discourage people deliberately leaving work to live on 'free handouts'.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Elon Musk to become Twitter CEO and "undelete every single deleted tweet ever self-censored" by the social media platform's users. An estimated 400 billion expunged posts will reportedly start reappearing next month. The news via
@Bloomberg
may panic certain users.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Newcastle Utd supremo Amanda Staveley has announced that St James' Park will relocate to the Saudi Neom megacity, "The Line", when construction is completed in 2030. Fan groups have welcomed the move which should see The Magpies bring in a greater revenue.
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🚨 | BREAKING: A Manchester United supporter bled to death at home after kicking in his television screen and severing several arteries following the
@EmiratesFACup
4th Round loss to Middlesbrough on Friday night.
Story:
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🚨 | BREAKING: Bazake investigation uncovers widespread evidence of illegal drug use in
#thequeueforthequeen
with dealers using human mules disguised as mourners to deliver banned substances including cocaine, ecstasy, anarchy lemsip and crackpipe 24 hours a day.
More to follow.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Bazake understands that the man arrested after crashing a car into the Downing Street gates in Whitehall was former Premier League footballer and motorist rights activist
@TaffGoose
.
More on this breaking story to follow.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Tilda Swinton has signed up to play Russ 'Hardest Geezer' Cook in Sony Pictures biopic chronicling the online influencer's marathon holiday in Africa.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Former darts champion, Tommy Pilchard, has expressed his "regret" after throwing darts at refugee hotel housing Ukrainian families. "I honestly thought they were Muslim," said Pilchard at Margate Magistrates' Court before being given £10 fine.
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🚨 | POLITICS: Friends of Sir Keir Starmer are said to be increasingly "concerned" by the pale complexion of the current Labour leader and are urging him to "step aside" for
@wesstreeting
or
@RachelReevesMP
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🚨 | BREAKING: ITV have apologised after broadcasting a historic episode of Sooty in which Sweep is executed after being mistaken for an American serial killer. A statement explained "We now realise the public's expectations of children's TV have shifted since it was first made."
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🚨 | BREAKING: A niece of Roald Dahl has been arrested outside parliament after shouting passages from her uncle's books to members of the public.
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BREAKING: Israeli diplomats have removed two journalists from a screening of a film of Hamas violence from October 7th for allegedly smuggling in their own food and talking loudly through the trailers.
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🚨 | BREAKING: Dating guru and free speech campaigner who organised book burning of feminist literature at university campus feared dead after live-streaming cliff edge walk during
#StormEunice
to prove the high winds were safe.
Story:
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🚨 | BREAKING: Silvio Berlusconi, the former Italian PM and scandal magnet, dies at 86
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