MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

GETTING DIABETES FROM INACTIVITY BECAUSE I'VE USED NOTHING BUT TELEKINESIS TO GET THINGS FROM THE FRIDGE AND CARRY MY PEE TO THE TOILET

GETTING SHOT IN MY THIGH BUT MY HEAD STILL EXPLODES

KYLE SCHWARBER FOUR HOME RUN GAME ARE YOU KIDDING

Mastodon - Crack The Skye (2009)

HAS ANYONE NOTICED THE SUN HAS BEEN GOING DOWN A FEW MINUTES SHORTER EVERY DAY SINCE THE MOLEMEN EMERGED?

I CAN FLY BUT IT CONSUMES 5 MILLION CALORIES PER FOOT SO I STARVED TO DEATH THE INSTANT I TOOK OFF

THEY HIRED ME 2 MINUTES INTO MY GYM TEACHER INTERVIEW BECAUSE MY LEGS HAVE COMPLETELY ATROPHIED FROM ALCOHOL USE AND INACTIVITY AND I GROANED SITTING DOWN

Jhoan Duran entering the game for the first time as a Phillie at Citizens Bank Park was CINEMA

STANDING IN THE CORNER OF THE CLUB READING NUTRITIONAL FACTS AND INGREDIENTS

GONNA BE CHASING THIS RNG FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

I hate getting my cock sucked Lol april fools just a little joke

I HOPE ONE DAY A DETECTIVE CHASES A FUGITIVE ONTO THIS EXACT SUBWAY CAR AND THEY BOTH HAVE AA-12S AND COMPLETELY DECIMATE THE ENTIRE CABIN MID INTERVIEW

YOU DIDN'T GROW UP UNLESS YOUR HOUSE HAD A GIANT PENDULUM SEALED IN THE WALLS WHOSE SWOOSHES KEPT YOU AWAKE AT ALL TIMES 😭😂

FOR MOTHER'S DAY I USED MY MOM'S SOCIAL SECURITY TO CREATE A STAKE GAMBLING ACCOUNT AND PUT HER RETIREMENT ON THE CELTICS COMING BACK AND WINNING THE FINALS

OKAY HONEY, START RUNNING AROUND AIMLESSLY LIKE A RETARD FOR THE CAMERA

GETTING BURIED IN MY LIVING ROOM BECAUSE MY MONSTROUSLY OBESE CORPSE WAS STILL SWEATING EVEN AFTER I PASSED AWAY AND THEY COULDN'T GET A GRIP ON ME

THEY SHOULD INTRODUCE PORN TO MONKEYS IN CAPTIVITY, WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

HOW WOULD MOVING YOUR WRIST IN THIS DIRECTION IN ANY WAY STIMULATE MY FRENULUM? GET BACK TO ME WHEN YOU LEARNED HOW TO ACTUALLY STROKE IT

WE SHOULD MAKE THE WORLD INCREASINGLY ALIEN TO THE ELDERLY, YOU SHOULD BE OSTRACIZED THE MOMENT YOU'RE NO LONGER AVAILABLE TO WORK

ANALYSTS ARE SAYING THERE'S A 93% CHANCE OF A PERFECT BRACKET IF YOU JOIN THROUGH THE FINAL DISCUSSION PODCAST