Ariel Dumas
@ArielDumas
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Following
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Media
2,606
Statuses
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IG: @ arieldumaspubicaccount - Head Writer and Supervising Producer for @colbertlateshow
Joined January 2012
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Pinned Tweet
What they say:
Hi I'm Brandon. This is Liz and Steven.
What I remember:
Hi I'm BLERPBLAP. This is GLAUNGH and CRAIG or maybe GREG.
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Dairy Queen employee accused of shitting in the soft serve machine has 71 incidents of shitting in the soft serve machine on file.
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The CDC just announced you don’t actually have to wash your hands, just get the fingies a little wet
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Happy International Women’s Day! Tell your female colleagues what your salary is. 🙂
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The CDC just announced you can walk right up to bin of carrots at the grocery store and start eatin outta there like a horse
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No one:
Your mom: your dad was in the hospital last week but he’s fine now
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EMERGENCY: I just had a FLASHBACK to a GUY I DATED whose MOTHER had taught him to RINSE GROUND BEEF in a COLANDER after BROWNING it 🚨🚨🚨🔪😭🐄
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ok wtf is going on with these nytimes recipe comments lol
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As far as Human Innovations go, as a species, I think we peaked at “bear-shaped honey bottle.”
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Hey just so you know, on Saturday night, someone ripped the mezuzah off our door frame, tore out the prayer scroll, and chucked both down the hallway.
This stuff is happening to people you know and love. And if you’ve experienced it yourself, please know you’re not alone.
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I sewed eyeballs on my cats' bed to make it look like a monster was eating them.
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This pandemic SUCKS. I miss my PARENTS. I wanna go to TOKYO. I wanna DRINK with my FRANDS on a BOAT. I want a BIG BONKERS WEDDING. I wanna walk down the STREET while EATING an EMPANADA.
BUT I can wait til it’s 100% safe. Anyone who doesn’t is an unwitting harbinger of death. 😊
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What Names are Short For:
Tom - Thomas
Tim - Thimas
Jon - Jonmas
Phil - Philmas
Dan - Danthaniel
Rick - Ricktoria
Bob - Bobmas OR Bobbert
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA DO NOT STEAL: barbershop where they shave your legs
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Ok what was the thing you thought was VERY fancy as a kid that turned out not to be?
I thought Jägermeister was for sophisticated ladies because my mom sometimes sipped some out of a cordial glass at bedtime.
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You must listen while a man mocks the woman he sexually assaulted in front of a laughing, cheering crowd OR ELSE YOU LIVE IN AN IDEOLOGICAL SILO!
Cooper: You have every right to be outraged today and angry and never watch this network again. But do you think staying in your silo and only listening to people you agree with is going to make that person go away?
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So if I give birth in a hospital, will my baby get free healthcare for life?
Couple unexpectedly delivers baby at Chick-fil-A; baby will get free Chick-fil-A food for life and guaranteed job at 14
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I'm looking at Wayfair and my phone just rang - an unknown number. Picked it up, and it was a Wayfair employee saying they noticed I was browsing their website so happy creepy Halloween I guess.
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Every night i use a SLEEP TRACKER and every night it tells me my SLEEP is BAD. This is a GOOD ROUTINE. It is HELPFUL TO ME.
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FUN CHALLENGE: every single professional woman show up to work dressed like this
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One time I accidentally retweeted a dude who is an alleged rapist (I had no idea) and a helpful person slid into my DMs to alert me and I was so grateful. Please always tell me about all the bad men.
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Here were the good parts of 2020:
1. That moment Serena Williams noticed her baby and waved to her.
I’ll let you know if I think of anything else!
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RECOMMENDED: getting your pet furniture that looks like human furniture
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During the WGA meeting last week, someone called AI a “plagiarism machine.” Because AI doesn’t just make stuff out of nothing. It steals scraps of real voices, real art, real labor, chews them up and spits them out. It’s robotic theft. It’s lazy AND unethical.
A recent Netflix contract sought to grant the company free use of a simulation of an actor’s voice “by all technologies and processes now known or hereafter developed, throughout the universe and in perpetuity.”
(Source: )
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I was looking up old Barbies on eBay, and all the Kens look like shitty Tinder dudes who got turned into dolls by a witch.
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Oh look a way to support one’s crew without going on the teevee
Quinta Brunson, as well as other cast members and producers of ‘ABBOTT ELEMENTARY,’ have launched a strike fund to help support the show’s 152-person crew while production remains paused due to the strikes.
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I was RAISED to BELIEVE that I would get to REGULARLY SEE a STRAY CAT pull an entire FISH SKELETON out of the trash and then, with a flourish, serve it to his LADY CAT using the LID OF A TRASH CAN but I guess this just isn’t happening in BIDEN’S AMERICA smdh
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Face it. At this point in quarantine, you definitely have a favorite spoon. Here's mine:
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Me: Why do I feel a constant, low-grade panic? It’s like my blood is carbonated.
Also me: Yum yum let’s turn on twitter and see who’s yellin
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Whenever furniture delivery guys come to, like, assemble something, I suddenly forget HOw tO bE a PErsOn iN mY ApArtment.
What do I usually do in here? Currently standing and rapidly thumbing through a random book. Might cook a single egg next?
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AMAZING!: when u die u get to see all the french fries you ever ate in one big haystack
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You GOTTA watch
@colbertlateshow
tonight. The monologue is straight fire. We rewrote the entire thing in 30 min after Trump's shitstorm.
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Seems like with this kind of data, it’d be pretty simple to calculate the residuals these actors and writers should receive for their unprecedented hit show.
#WGAStrong
According to Hulu, ‘THE BEAR’ Season 2 saw a 70% increase in total hours streamed in the first four days after its June 22 launch compared to the first season stats over that same time period.
It is the most-watched premiere of any FX series on Hulu.
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CDC says egg salad tastes BETTER after you leave it on the counter overnight
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When we are back to real life I’m not going to remember how to do small talk I’m just going to be like “HI WHAT ARE YOUR GREATEST LOVES AND FEARS”
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When a MOVIE or SHOW uses REAL BABY/KID photos of the actor??? UH, I LIKE THAT!!!!!!
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One time at the airport I befriended an absolutely ancient woman who was flying alone and needed help. She was chatty & at one point said, “No one tells me things because I’m too old. For example, I never learned how two women have sex!” So I explained it to her. She said “ICK!”
What’s your favorite interaction you’ve had with a non-celebrity?
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RT if you've made the face Natalie is making while a man put his arm around you
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I watched two seconds of this and was like “These kids are doing this for Jesus, somehow.” You can’t convince me otherwise.
I think it’s time we seriously consider outlawing heterosexuality
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ANNOUNCEMENT: everyone should probably just keep putting their pets and babies and kids in costumes for the next several days, it will help.
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I wish Rep. Katie Porter did Cameos where she grilled you about the topic of ur choice. I'd pick "Why do you keep buying gel pens."
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People who would do a better job at managing the vaccine rollout:
-Preschool teachers
-Community theater stage managers
-26 year old PAs with big career goals
-Bar/Bat Mitzvah party emcees
-Baseball game peanut sellers
-The USPS
-Anyone who’s ever organized a bachelorette party
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A while ago I had some cloudy vaginal discharge so I called my comptroller. He said it was probably ok!
Mehmet Oz says abortion should be between "a woman, her doctor, and local political leaders."
#PASenateDebate
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Highly doubt that any of these folks have ever eaten anyone out.
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Is America ready for woman doctors, or “Doctresses,” as they shall be known?
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ok so like who else with two pets pets the one pet and then runs over to pet the other pet to make sure no one gets jealous?
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The CDC says it’s now safe to share one strand of spaghetti on a date.
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My future sister in law sent us this and reader, I almost cried. Can’t believe I get to marry into this family.
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I bet Mike Pence sits on the toilet upright, with his back pressed against the lid like it's a chair.
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Wine glasses are wild. Like “Oh, drunky wants a drink? Here, have this THIN GLASS STICK w/ a bowl of liquid on top.”
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Hey dudes! Swab out your dick hole with URETHRA WASH. Exfoliate your penis-tunnel! Really get up in there!
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Re: Kavanaugh’s weird rage-pology, i would also like to say that it is not automatically a moral achievement to be a son, a husband, a dad. It is biology, a legal decision, and biology again. Plenty of assholes are all three.
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Don’t think, just answer. What is the single coolest vehicle in all of pop culture?
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ANNOUNCEMENT: Due to skyrocketing stress levels, experts recommend putting your face directly onto your pet.
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The Rudin stuff is horrifying. In contrast, there was a hospital CEO I temped for in Chicago. If he saw you were stressed, he'd assign you "candy dish duty." He'd give you his credit card. Your job was to go to Dominick's & bring back as much candy as you could physically carry.
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Add an L, make it unpalatable:
Hamblurger
Plopcorn
Chicken Flingers
Klitkat
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I prefer films that ask the REAL questions. Questions like, “what if a cat was a bus?”
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Hey everybody destroying their nikes - you ever realize that eyebrows are basically upside down swooshes? GET RIDDA THOSE SUCKERS
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TOOK THE PELOTON OUT ON THE ROAD. BIG MISTAKE. AM ON THE HIGHWAY NOW. CANT UNCLIP. DROPPED WATERBOTTLE INTO TRAFFIC
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WHAT THE LIVING FUCK IS WITH ALL THESE GIANT BUBBLES. MY BUBBLE IS ONE (1) MAN AND TWO (2) CATS.
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Only
@ambermruffin
could end a powerful interview about her experiences of police racism by making
@andersoncooper
completely lose it ❤️♥️❤️
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Technically, a purse is a ravioli, and a wallet is a taco.
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The last couple of weeks have been hard for the country and for me personally. The complexity of frustration, anger and sadness can’t be accurately conveyed on twitter, and I regret my tone-deaf attempt at sarcasm in the wake of it.
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QUESTION how many minutes a day do you spend kissing your pet’s tiny head? For me it’s like a solid 8.
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Ugh, do you ever look at all your exes and realize you have a type?
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“I did not like the puppet show that was mean to the king.”
I have always loved the Grammys but to have artists read the Fire and Fury book killed it. Don’t ruin great music with trash. Some of us love music without the politics thrown in it.
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ThEsE gEnErOuSlY BuTtEreD NOodlEs, sPrInklEd wItH JuSt a QuArtEr cUp oF PaRsLeY fOr CoLoR aNd FreShNesS, ArE tHe PeRfEcT BlAnK cAnVaS fOr PrAcTiCaLlY AnY StEw oR BrAiSe.
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@BrandyLJensen
My son Garold got too high from a TAMPERED Mr. Goodbar and then kept telling me about his "good ideas" for a sequel to LABYRINTH (1986) and they're not even THAT GOOD.
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Can there please be a portrait of voters who knew that Trump was bad and therefore didn’t vote for him and now have to watch as he destroys everything?
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A week ago, news came out re: a promotion I was thrilled to receive. Honestly I was so overwhelmed by all the kindness, it’s been hard for me to respond. But thank you to all. Especially
@StephenAtHome
,
@colbertlateshow
, & my love
@AndrewJEcker
, who ordered & stocked this for me:
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Please share the TRUTH. Zelda is the boy. I should know, I play the game.
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In the nosebleeds at the dog show. Everyone is drinking beer and cheering for every single dog.
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38 years old and STILL haven’t cracked an enormous vase over the bad guy’s head while he wrestles with my lover. smdh
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A Reese’s peanut butter pumpkin is a really good appetizer and should be offered at restaurants
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MORE BALLS
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"There Will Be Blood" is my favorite movie that answers the question, "Will blood be there?"
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He’s retiring to spend more time marrying his family.
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I’m a cis woman who wants to declare her full, boisterous support for trans people: their liberty, their dignity, their bodily autonomy, their right to have a rip roarin’ good time.
TERFs & transphobic people are whiny idiot babies who need a new hobby. Grow the fuck up.
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New parent: This is Lily, she’s 4 months old!
Me (doesn’t know how to compliment babies): Uh, wow. Yes, very chic.
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ANNOUNCEMENT: If you tell me you have a dog, and I ask what kind, I AM ASKING ABOUT DOG SIZE / FUR DESCRIPTION. Is it a big brown dog? A fluffy little white dog? ANY OTHER DESCRIPTION MEANS NOTHING TO ME
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Can I see a photo that you took of your pet TODAY? I want to know how the pets are today.
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