Enough Of That Now
@AndyGilder
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Inspired by the recent BBC Two documentary on the wheelchair rugby league World Cup, I've written something about disability sport, inclusivity and the current challenge facing the direction of the game. Have a read, let me know what you think?
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Well they should stop reading to the bloody bear and get the trains moving instead!
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Thanks to the UK's strict gun control laws, the most lethal weapon he could get his hands on was a clapped out Ford Fiesta.
Just saying.
Another terrorist attack in London...These animals are crazy and must be dealt with through toughness and strength!
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The darts final could be between a kid who can't drink and a bloke with a BMI in the normal range
Game's gone mad
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I have no greater wish in this world than for Jacob Rees-Mogg to be left suddenly bankrupt and destitute.
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Just been to see Cats.
They let the audience in and ten minutes later they wanted to go back out again.
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On what charge? Enjoying a meal?
Daniel Khalife said 6 words to police officer during arrest - eyewitness
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"I see you enjoy a Chicken Bhuna, but object to the 1919 massacre at Amritsar. Quite the conundrum"
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@JasonSchwartz
@worgztheowl
The appropriate response is "Sir, I am legally hung. Just ask your mother"
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Sam Ryder straight after Mae Muller is proper "look at what you could have won" energy
#Eurovision
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"..so although it may be somewhat by default, I promise to serve the British people as Prime Minister to the best of my ability."
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If they cast a woman as Bond and started using innuendo-laden names for her romantic conquests, they'd have to call one of the blokes she sleeps with Roger Moore
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Is it me, or are place mats at Wagamama getting bigger?
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"Hello, police? I'd like to report someone leaving the scene of a car crash..."
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I am fucking sick of actors getting cast on the basis of what horses they know.
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Going "pspspsps" at a cat in the street is going to be a criminal offence
The Bill will NOT make pet theft a specific offence, and will not increase the maximum penalty for pet theft (& nor should it). It will however criminalise "inducing a cat to accompany" you, for which the maximum sentence will be 5 years imprisonment.
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Congratulations to
@AshleyBanjo
and the lads.
Morrissey dropped by label, complains “diversity” is behind decision.
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@waynefarry
@MysteriosoX
Kudos to Alex Scott on managing to annoy Joey Barton on all three levels
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"Me? The 13th Duke of York? Alone? At the house of a convicted paedophile? With my reputation?"
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"Can you see any fire and fury, boss?"
"Nah, we're fine for now. He's in the rough on the 11th"
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I remember my first day at primary school, when they made the headteacher curtsy to me in the car park.
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"You'll have to get off love, we're turning this into a classroom"
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When Mam says you can't have chippy tea because you got impeached
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#ICancelledMyTripToLondon
because they build staircases out of apples and pears. Structurally unsound!!
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Bad news for Pizza Express in Woking.
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Advertising: "Women! Dye your hair. Lose some weight. Sort out your oily skin. Wear better clothes. Cook nicer food for your children."
Men: "..."
Advertising: "Men! Try being less of a cunt to other men, yeah?"
Men: "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"
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Peter Capaldi to be replaced by a Junior Doctor, episodes now extended to 12 hours each, 7 days a week.
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CCTV from behind Downing Street shows Theresa May making the first major change of her leadership
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If only you could have made this sort of leap against Maradona.
All you people who are not happy with a government democratically voted by the people with 80 seat majority (and our great country )please go and live somewhere run by dictators (not elected )and see where your actions (like pulling down statues) gets you!!
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Famously, nobody else in the early 80s was writing socially aware music - The Specials, The Selecter, UB40, U2, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Springsteen, Dead Kennedys, The Clash, Bob Marley all simply didn't exist
In the early 80s, I realised if I wanted to hear music that said something about the state of the world, I’d have to make it myself. To mark my 40th anniversary, I’ve compiled a number of commemorative releases spanning my career since then. Pre-order:
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Vassalage & Chaos, the new ITV4 drama about a pair of maverick detectives.
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Dominic Raab at a food bank, beaming like a proud parent as the food poverty baby he birthed vomits all over the lives of ordinary people.
What a cunt.
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Don't push too far, these sweets aren't shiny in your hand
The whole point of
@QualityStreetUK
was that they were sparkly Christmas jewels in a great tin your new eco warrior drap MUCH smaller sweets are shit
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The
#boatrace2017
is a fabulous metaphor for the UK at the minute.
Sixteen posh chaps taking things backwards as fast as they can.
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I'm going to shock you here, but Cilla Black was a fucking awful singer wasn't she?
Everyone else in this Bacharach thing is killing it and she's honked her way through two songs like a tone-deaf asthmatic goose with laryngitis
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The appropriate response to "it'll be good exposure" is "you found me, what makes you think I need exposure?"
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You married Michael Gove.
I don't think you should be questioning anyone's nuptial decisions.
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"For fuck's sake where is everyone. Timmy's fallen down the well again!"
HOP TO IT: A kangaroo had the run of the city of Adelaide as residents stayed inside to slow the spread of the novel coronavirus.
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Please just show the sketches.
We don't need them interspersed with random celebs telling us how good they are.
#VictoriaWoodsSecretList
, a countdown of the best moments from her TV shows, will be broadcast on
@BBCTwo
later this year. The sketches - chosen by Victoria herself - were discovered on a list in one of her personal notebooks after her untimely death:
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Hartlepool fans going to Plymouth as stormtroopers, in honour of their team not being able to get a shot on target
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@Hardley76
@nickleke
@JamesNokise
It's probably staffed by some poor bastard whose last train home to wherever they live is at 9:30 and if they miss it, they'll have to hitch to Burnley or Accrington or somewhere else in the devil's arsehole that is Lancashire
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"Fine. We'll build our own European City of Culture. With blackjack and hookers"
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@richardosman
If you have two pints of lager before flying, it relaxes the muscles making you easier to drag down the aisle of the plane.
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To be fair, if
@GaryLineker
is "peddling lies" about migrants I would have thought
@TheSun
would be offering him a column, not criticising.
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His uncle is literally neck deep in a child sex trafficking ring, his dad said he wanted to be his mistress's tampon and his grandad is a massive racist.
But yeah, marrying a black woman. What was he thinking?
Prince Harry seen as 'liability' for monarchy as his popularity plummets
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"HE'S GOT TO GO TO MIDDLESBROUGH AND GET SOMETHING. AND I'LL TELL YOU, I WILL LOVE IT, LOVE IT IF WE BEAT THEM."
http://t.co/1dRurEwPoF
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Nobody's working, everyone's fed up of their kids and we've all got terrible haircuts.
I've suddenly realised what is happening. The United Kingdom is becoming Boris Johnson.
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When you're the first demon in your family to get into university
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"We were not invading. We only came to Woking because we heard about its famous Pizza Express and the man who does not sweat"
#waroftheworlds
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The Average White Supremacist Band
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Gammon-faced racist David Vance: "MUSLIMS DON'T INTEGRATE!"
Muslims: "Fine. We'll have a day at the seaside. Fish and chips. Ice cream. Sandcastles. The whole thing. Happy now?"
Gammon-faced racist David Vance: "BLACKPOOL ISN'T BLACKPOOL ANYMORE!!"
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The Oxfordshire version of Deliveroo looks a bit shit.
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A tender moment, as Rupert Murdoch proposes to Jerry Hall
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Mate. London got through The Blitz, the IRA and an American Werewolf. A berk with a Hyundai and a knife isn't going to stop it.
.
@KTHopkins
on UK terror: "People are cowed. People are afraid. And people are not united."
#Tucker
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I'm going to go out on a limb here and speculate that the Lords Taverners audience that heckled Nish Kumar was:
- mostly white
- mostly male
- mostly rich
- mostly drunk
- mostly cunts who think doing a bit for charity entitles them to act like dicks
Gammon, but in a posh sauce
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People dunking on Dave Grohl for being great at what he does and a genuinely nice bloke who is enjoying life after losing one of his best mates to a tragic death can go do one.
Professional miserable cunts
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"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such films as Old Man Wheezy On The Balcony and Whoops, Coronapocalypse!"
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@LeeAndersonMP_
@MarshallMotorGp
Hi Lee
Have you tried just believing in Marshall Motor Group, rather than constantly running them down
It's woke complainers like you who are stopping Marshall Motor Group from thriving as an independent force in the world. Stop carping and get behind them
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A lot of things get labelled as "a cry for help"
Shagging Matt Hancock is right up there
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The Tonbridge Wells branch of the W.I. were pleased to welcome last week's guest speaker, Lord Azrael of the Undead Kingdoms.
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I am one hundred and seventy twelve percent sure we won't be seeing the Home Secretary for a while.
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At 9am on Tuesday 21 April, let's all open our windows and doors so we can in unison shout "fuck off, Ben Fogle".
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If he can catch it, he can eat it. No matter how endangered it is.
Sir David Attenborough has ONE strict rule when filming nature documentaries.
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Relying on convicted fraudster Conrad Black for a character reference is as bad as relying on your Dad to get you into uni.
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Really sad to hear about Jim Davidson
He's not dead, I'm just sad to hear about him
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Manic Street Preachers loved Glastonbury so much, they're going on a camping tour of the UK
If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next
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Liam Gallagher though.
Sustaining a career out of a back catalogue he didn't write and the attitude of a middle-aged football hooligan who follows a non-league side.
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"Telling you now love. Stick a fiver on me as first goalscorer in the quarter final"
#SWEENG
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Reception at Pizza Express?
Will Princess Beatrice follow wedding traditions like Kate Middleton and Meghan Markle? Why she could 'rebel'
#royals
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My local university is so biased, it has EU flags all over it.
Something to do with a load of research funding they give it.
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Howard Donald posting some of the best content on Boyband Twitter since that time Brian McFadden offered ISIS outside for a scrap
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Dear BBC.
To save money on the next series, why not have the role of The Doctor performed by a senior nurse instead?
@TwopTwips
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Use this second national lockdown to do something you didn't manage to master first time around, like installing a national test and trace system.
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@tonyjameson
@StingerNeilD
@David_Ornstein
@AdamCrafton_
@TheAthleticFC
I went to school with Jordan Henderson. He was always turning up to football training in Al-Nassr kits, always the first kid to complete his Saudi league Panini stickers album. Lifelong fan of Saudi football, this is a dream come true for him
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"It's hard to find words to express my debt..."
About £350m a week, backdated to June 2016 you fucking hypocrite.
It is hard to find the words to express my debt to the NHS for saving my life.
The efforts of millions of people across this country to stay home are worth it. Together we will overcome this challenge, as we have overcome so many challenges in the past.
#StayHomeSaveLives
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@PigB0dine
@waynefarry
@MysteriosoX
Woman, black, gay, more England caps than him, more major tournament appearances than him, more media work than him and isn't related to someone who's done time for a racially-motivated murder
Poor Joseph
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Turns out Lord Lucan was working at Pizza Express in Woking.
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When you've been bitten by the zombies, but you don't want to alarm the rest of your group.
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"Now what Mary doesn't know is that we didn't actually kill Jesus. Let's see what happens when she finds out..."
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Barely been out of the house for four weeks. Hardly seen a dog.
I need dogs. Send me dogs please.
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"Here we see the Pope LIzard, his neck ruff being used to show his dominance over the smaller Cardinal Lizards..."
http://t.co/hryVpt9w72
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Southgate led her to the Red Room and flung open the doors.
"My desires are...unconventional"
"So show me", she whispered
"I'd like to use Kyle Walker on the right of a back three..."
#50ShadesOfGareth
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Just a reminder that "going outside to look at the weird sky" is basically how Day of the Triffids starts.
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"Never gamble when feeling angry, low or genocidal. When the fun stops, stop"
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There's a Londis, Lidl, Waitrose, M&S Food and Asda all within two minutes walk of Clapham Junction station
If you're paying £23 for two sausage rolls you're a fucking idiot
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