BREAKING: Canadian government urges you to avoid travel so you don’t bump into them travelling

Guys who describe themselves as Alphas will be like, “What an excellent evening. We all talked over each other loudly and made a server cry in the walk-in fridge”.

I’m convinced no human being has ever purchased non-slip shoes. When they ask you in the interview, you say you have them. Then, after you’re hired, you try to only fall when no one else is around.

Milk is really still out here advertising. We know about you, milk. Leave me alone. Stop talking to me about my bones. That’s so personal.

Milk is really out here still advertising. Talking about your bones. We know, Milk. We know you are there. Stop talking about my bones.

Friendly reminder that #MentalHELLth Comedy Night is BACK at @RivoliToronto on Wednesday, April 10th! All ticket proceeds from the comedy show are donated to @camhfoundation, supporting life-saving #mentalhealth initiatives! Come check out @AndrewBarr8 @dasouzie and @Rushzilla

Comedian Chris Robinson brings his charisma and raw talent with talented comedians @AndrewBarr8 and Cameron Phoenix to @YukyuksOshawa. Catch them live and you will not be disappointed! Friday March 29th and Saturday March 30th at 8:00PM https://t.co/nUUMTcWu9O

Happy clocking which of the people you have a crush on are single and which are taken Day

Remember when Gimli tried tell everyone the Crebain from Dunland was just a wisp of cloud? Fuck, he must have felt dumb.

To this day, the greatest creative decision of all-time is having the dog in the Goosebumps intro bark along to the theme.

Self care is not watching a comedy special you know you won’t enjoy, just so you can make your own snippy comment about it.

Whenever I say I was reading about something, I mean I watched a ten second video about it on social media.

“STAFF PICKS” are funny. Like I give a shit what a guy who works in a bookstore thinks.

Restaurants will be like, “It’s international crab dip day!” Is it? I feel like you’re just saying stuff.

Comedian @AndrewBarr8 heads to @YukYuksOshawa with his unique combination of grumpy, silly and break down of divisive issues in a way that makes a whole room laugh. Joining him are comedians Shannon Laverty and @MericMandrews. Oct 6th and 7th at 8:00PM https://t.co/2QgzidCxj8

Any dungeon can be a sex dungeon, if you make the most of it.

What’s with the new look? Did Fast & The Furious buy this app?

Limousines kinda just look like a really tall guy died.

How come every time I mess up with the debit machine it feels like I’ve just disappointed a woman sexually?

One of my favourite movie tropes is when a henchman tells the main bad guy, “—but, sir! Our troops are still out there!” Best BELIEVE main bad guy is not concerned about that!

Oh, fine. I’ll be the one to say it. A club sandwich does not have enough moisture to merit the middle piece of bread. Superfluous gimmick.