Paul Howard
@AkaPaulHoward
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Writer. Bad Sisters. Ross O'Carroll-Kelly. I Read the News Today Oh Boy. SisterS. The Rodfather. Aldrin Adams. Gordon's Game with @gordonwdarcy.
Joined April 2016
BREAKING: Pep to leave City by mutual consent. More to follow.
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Americans are going to have to eat their own cheeses. Trust me, they’ll crack first.
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Virgil van Bike.
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Gave a taxi driver €20 for a €17 fare. He said, "What's this?" I said, "It's a tip." He said, "I can't accept that. It's way too generous." €3? I persuaded him to take it. A week later, I discovered why he was so surprised. I booked it on the app and had already paid by card!.
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I'll tell you one thing I know for certain. You won't hear the words "Dry January" in 2021.
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Varadkar referring to social housing as “free housing” again. He’s always at that. I grew up in a council house. Wasn’t free. We paid rent. Lots of it.
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Queuing for Dunnes. Man behind me kicking my heels. I told him to back up. He said, “I’m not going to f**king sneeze on you.” There will never be a vaccine for thickness.
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The funniest thing I’ve seen on Twitter since someone tweeted Alan Carr telling him to pay his f**king taxes.
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Have they named them yet?.
Breaking: . two fully vaccinated people can meet indoors from April 12 as part of the so-called vaccine bonus, Cabinet hears.
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Ashley Young: "It was a cup final for them." Er, no, it wasn't. There was nothing in it for them. It was a cup final for YOU!.
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I have it on the most excellent authority that someone in Dalkey who hung a Mayo flag from their window was asked by a neighbour, “So what’s your connection to Portugal?”.
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I'm not saying this Leaving Cert idea is going to result in hundreds and hundreds of court cases. But, as @sjanemurf pointed out yesterday, I once received a solicitor's letter when I attributed a try to the wrong kid in a schools rugby match.
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Varadkar is absolutely fixated with the idea of "dole cheats" representing some kind of enemy within. As if we haven't spent the last 30 years finding out about a whole class of people who deprived the Exchequer of billions and billions euros. Many of them fans of his party.
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Three times in the last couple of days I've found myself reading an English newspaper and thinking, 'If you can get Ireland so wrong, why should I believe your take on China, or India, or Brazil?'.
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Growing up in an Ireland where the news was dominated by unemployment, emigration, the heroin epidemic and the Troubles, Jack Charlton was the man who taught me that things don’t have to be sh*t.
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I have a horrible feeling that when they open those boxes, it’s going to be the training gear that never made it to Saipan.
Its arrived! Taking delivery of the Pfizer BioNTech vaccine into our Cold Chain Storage this morning. We can now have a "twin track" approach to our response to #COVID19. Public health measures along with the vaccine, for a brighter future. @HSELive
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I think it would be great if Fernando turned on the Christmas lights in Ballybrack this year.
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Here come the fake Scholes quotes. I’ll start. “I would have loved to have played with Paul Scholes.” - Martin Luther King.
Wayne Rooney has had his say on the Gerrard/Scholes debate 👀.
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Was convinced I heard my alarm go off this morning. Got up. Had a shower. Got dressed. Ate breakfast. Sat down at the computer. Did fifteen minutes of work. Then I noticed. three o'clock in the morning.
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I see Cromwell is trending. I presume it's another Fine Gael commemoration idea.
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It's fine, lads, you don't have to apologise for the pitch-side mic picking up someone calling the referee a wanker. As for heavily promoting betting companies that destroy people's lives, feel free.
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He’s reffing like a man who’s promised his nephew a Ronaldo autograph.
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Remember the Beast from the East two years ago, when we were told to be home by 4pm and not leave the house for 24 hours? Mad the things we didn't know then.
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When Bob Mortimer met Sinead O’Connor. I’m roaring laughing at this story from his autobiography ‘And Away…’
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A huge rejection of Fianna Fail and Fine Gael. It looks like we'll be getting a coalition between Fianna Fail and Fine Gael.
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Late to this, but my God, that's how you write a letter to the Times.
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Dunnes Stores in Cornelscourt is like The Battle of the Bastards from Game of Thrones right now - if all of the Bastards drove X5s and Touaregs.
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It's like the first day of my Leaving Cert all over again, wondering will Yeats come up today, or will it be Kavanagh?.
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Your man must have done one hell of an interview for that teaching job.
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How in the name of God is there still two weeks of January left?.
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Elton John is selling tickets for a Dublin concert that's happening in two years time. My dad is younger than him and he buys his kitchen roll in ones.
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I'm reading about the Government considering restrictions on alcohol sales and remembering Irish football fans managing to find drink in Tehran.
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I’ll go. Gerrard slipped, Liverpool didn’t win the league and Brendan Rodgers was gone the following year, clearing the way for the arrival of Jurgen Klopp and the greatest period is success Liverpool have enjoyed for 30 years.
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The writing. The acting. Everything. This lad is off the scales brilliant.
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If the weather doesn't pick up tomorrow, I'm putting up the Christmas decorations. I'm not playing anymore.
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This might be the greatest tweet of all time.
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Dunnes in Cornelscourt is like the Battle of Winterfell, lads.
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I wish someone would produce a satnav with Moira Rose’s voice giving the directions. I would pay a lot of money for such a thing.
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What kind of parties does Katherine Zappone throw that nearly everybody says they left after 20 minutes? I was at a party where the host said, "I know it SOUNDS like pyramid-selling, but it's NOT pyramid-selling," and we still stayed for an hour so as not to embarrass him.
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The bin men have just been. I punched the air at the thought of starting a new fortnight with an empty wheelie bin. Middle age will happen to you all.
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Am I missing the football? Not really. I always spend an hour or two a day watching this.
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Dunnes Cornelscourt is like the Battle of Winterfell this morning.
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I’ve watched that Alan Partridge Irish lookalike clip about seventy times so far and I’m not even nearly done.
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I didn't want to tweet this while emotions were still so raw. But thirty-six hours on, I've decided to call it. It was the best Late Late Toy Show ever. By miles and miles.
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Jesus, you’d think William and Kate would have bought the kid a jersey.
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There’s a spam email in my junk with the subject line, “There are horny Asians in your area who are DYING to meet you”. I’ve lived in the village of Avoca for 15 years. If that’s true, they’ve been keeping a very low profile.
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No one who truly loves football can say that they’re enjoying what’s happening to Manchester United right now. So hard to watch.
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Without doing or saying anything, Mick McCarthy's position in Saipan becomes about 5% more understandable every year.
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Ah, the Olympic Stadium in Rome, scene of the most embarrassing moment of my life, when a smiling woman walked up to me outside the ground with her arms outstretched and I instinctively gave her a hug, only for Mrs Howard to tell me, "I think she's looking to search you, Paul.".
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In fairness to John Delaney, he’d have got us €5m from UEFA for that result.
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I'm picturing John Terry hearing the news about Chelsea while dressed in his full kit.
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I’m in Greystones. I hate to be a snitch but nobody in Greystones is working remotely today. They’re lying to you.
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Hard to see the Child of Prague coming back from this one.
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My dad's take on the first week of the Olympics: "Skateboarding, Paul? It'll be Hide and Seek next.".
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Why do I need to present my boarding pass up buy a packet of Polos at an airport?.
Whats an unsolved mystery that you find yourself thinking about regularly?.
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Got up at 4am to queue for Billy Joel tickets outside Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre in 2006. Told Mrs Howard he was like Bruce. He’d sell out in minutes. When the booth opened, I was still the only person in the queue.
Can we all just go back to getting up in the middle of the night and queuing up outside Ticketmaster outlets? We were happier then. #Oasis.
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Twenty years ago, when I was a sportswriter, I took to carrying my laptop around in an aluminium briefcase - until I boarded a flight in Dublin and a 'wag' at the back of the plane shouted, "Fooken James Bond Junior, wha'?" Everyone onboard laughed. That was the end of the case.
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It is truly breathtaking that he would allow himself to photographed getting into a forklift today. Would you even need an adviser to tell you not to be seen anywhere near a piece of industrial machinery this morning?
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Someone in this house thought it would be a good idea to mix the Quality Street with the Roses. “What’s the harm?” she asked. It’s animals we’re becoming.
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Anthony Taylor calling the physio on to cover for his error.
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I always thought @john_boyne had guts, but to write this. it's the kind of courage I can't even fathom.
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Was out this morning. Forgot to put the bin out. Came back. Saw the bin lorry driving towards the house. Overtook him. Got the bin out ten seconds before it arrived. Now I'm walking around the house punching the air.
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Saturday, barbecuing in shorts. Tuesday, scraping ice off the windscreen of the car. Go home, 2020, you're drunk.
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I was walking up Fifth Avenue in New York today, wearing this, my John Motson coat. A very cool, black guy shouted at me, “Yo, what’s your name?” I said, “It’s Paul,” and he said, “Imma call you P Swagger.” And I can live with that.
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Those swing doors they've installed in supermarket off licences have added a Wild West saloon vibe to buying a small bottle of chianti to put in the spag.
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A woman in the supermarket offered me a euro for my shopping trolley as I was returning it. I told her no, I hadn’t put a euro in it, I had a trolley token and I wanted it back. “Oh, for heaven’s sake,” she said, “it’s the same thing.” It’s a jungle out there.
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Imagine having to sit Suella Braverman down this morning to explain, "Yeah, those marchers in Northern Ireland - that's OUR side.".
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There’s no disgrace is losing to this NZ team. Really, Ireland went out of this World Cup when they lost to Japan.
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They didn’t ‘lose’ five BAFTAs. They won one BAFTA.
Kneecap suffered another blow yesterday (16th) when their movie lost five out of six Bafta awards it was up for.
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From Darkness into Severe Hypothermia on Dun Laoghaire pier this morning. Great to get an early walk in to support the wonderful work of @PietaHouse.
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I see Sky News are taking a tougher editorial line on Ballybrack FC than they did on Team Sky.
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Messi could earn £600,000 a week at City. After tax, that works out at around £600,000 a week.
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Can we all just go back to getting up in the middle of the night and queuing up outside Ticketmaster outlets? We were happier then. #Oasis.
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It’s very sad to read that Thiery Henry is finding it difficult to manage Monaco. I’m sure he’s in thoughts of all Irish fans at this difficult time.
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@obrien_jonathan @byjimcarroll @RMcGreevy1301 Leinster schools rugby is in a league of its own. I remember attributing a try to the wrong player in a match once and the newspaper received a solicitor's letter from the father of the real try scorer, demanding a "retraction and apology".
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I'm remembering a Sunday Tribune interview with Dolores O'Riordan in 93-94 when she was asked, "What do your parents do?" and she answered, "They love me very much." She was magnificent.
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Lost my older brother Mark in February. This is my favourite photograph of us together. First and second place in the St Vincent's RC Lower School Easter Bonnet Contest, Houghton Regis, Luton, 1978. Bringing back happy memories this weekend. (I'm on the left).
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Bank Holiday Monday. Or as we self-employed people call it. Monday.
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Rang my dad. Asked him how he was. He said: "I took Donald Trump's advice and I drank some bleach. I've been sick all day but, Jesus Christ, the toilet's never been cleaner.".
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RIP Jack Charlton. Now I know how my mother felt when Elvis Presley died. It's like saying goodbye to a huge part of my youth. Going to throw on my Euro 88 VHS today.
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Spent the first lockdown last year writing a children's book about a boy with a special superpower. When he eats cheese before bedtime, he can enter other people's nightmares and help them deal with their fears and anxieties. Delighted that @PuffinBooks are publishing it in June.
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I can't be the only one who read this headline and thought, 'Now there's a personal injuries claim waiting to happen.'
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Footballers who sound a lot more Irish than they are. Conor Coady. Thomas Delaney. Deco.
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I can’t believe Sepp Maier didn’t see a Panenka coming. I mean, was the penalty taker’s name not a clue?.
On This Day in 1976 🗓️. Panenka scored an outrageous penalty to win Czechoslovakia the European Championship, writing his name into football history.
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Let’s be honest, when the Governmrnt said they wanted to clamp down on compensation claims, they were talking about compensation claims by working class people.
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Don’t get a dog for Christmas is probably sound enough advice. But so is don’t give up too quickly. It’s hard work at the start but you will find a way to fit into each other’s lives. Chances are it may end up being the happiest mistake you ever made. Happy New Year, friends x
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The person in your office who sees you leaving work on time and says, "Half day?" I'm guessing you haven't missed that person.
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The world’s most uptight man and the world’s most disobedient dog. They said it wouldn’t last. But what do they know? Happy 10th birthday, Humphrey x
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Irish comedy in the 1990s. Linehan and Mathews were Lennon and McCartney to me. D'Unbelievables were the Kinks. But Sean Hughes was Elvis.
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That Bloody Sunday ceremony at Croke Park just now was breathtakingly beautiful.
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My dad was watcting the opening ceremony and he texted me "wtf". I said, "How do you know that phrase?" and he said, "From the Vardy trial.".
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