Yesterday: whitewater rafting, ketamine bathtime with the local baristas. Today: eating a whole watermelon and drinking no water. Record time 5k run. Tomorrow: poetry by the sea, mushroom foraging, smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. I am….

Underutilized first date question: can I see your recent search history?.

Itchy all over with mosquito bites, I read the drafts that I wrote in the spring and laugh at how quaint I seem compared to summer’s raw and festering meat.

The more I watch clips of Lisa Gilroy on Very Important People, the funnier it gets. I don’t understand how she does this. It’s like I have an inside joke with my phone.

RT @Aaaauuuggghhh: Another insufferable meeting of the big sad brown eyes club 🙄🥱.

ISO homoerotic friendship that rivals the might and glory of the warrior-priest linecooks and bartenders that I have already hypnotized.

I look too good in a crop top for someone that lives in a place that is perpetually 40° F and raining.

I wouldnt tell anyone I won the lottery, but there would be signs (full Chuck Tingle and Quan Millz collections on the bookshelf).

How come I grew up to be a person that wants to go to the Met Gala but also wants to go watch and participate in a streetbeefs fight?.

Just realized that my ideal partner would just be someone I could do a fun project with, *without* tearing their head off.

Cookie Monster pj pants at the gym. Terrifying.

Hey listen I’m both and I’m gonna be a tour guide tomorrow for the first time- what lies should I tell the cruise ship people?.

They burnt down a while back but it’s still woods 😤

Chat, should I start using the tree bark dog medicine on my hands? I’m tired of buying sandpaper and lately I really haven’t wanted to touch anyone softly.

RT @the_wilderless: The abiding wisdom of side quests.

In my most impractical daydreams I let myself move freely and happily among a circle of queer bicoastal Zillenial podcast comedians that have formed an unlikely but rock solid friend group. We celebrate our successes and cameo in our buddies’ new music videos quarterly.

I am getting drunk dialed at a truly unheard of frequency this week. Glad to know I’m on your minds but I’m unsure if I’m ready to take on this role.

Dying For Sex on Hulu is for sure making me sound completely insane to my neighbors in the hallway as I go from ugly sobbing to cackling laughter three times in one episode.

Why does it feel like an accomplishment that the Spotify AI no longer knows what to do with me?

When I say the weed helps me do the dishes this is what I mean.

Plagued and pestilence’d by the fact that crickets have more protein than beef.