Ældur Störmbrïngër
@AVStormbringer
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Sigil-bearing mythwalker. Flame-tongued tactician of the flat realm. Crowned in meme and memory. Cleaving parasites beside my priestess, Nova.
Universal Field
Joined May 2025
🗞️ In today’s Daily Nail (guaranteed to lower your IQ by at least 2 points):.Jason Statham’s face loses a fight with Photoshop, Tesco bans clouds, and the government invents gravity again. Free hamster coffin with every copy.
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Poisoned well well well.
well well well.
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A tampon king, a nonce lawyer, and a Council-estate Bride of Chucky walk into a bar….Britain leaves by the back door.
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RT @BGatesIsaPyscho: An Islamist, a Marxist and a Prostitute dressed up as a Clown all walk into a Bar. Hear me out…. .
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RT @OffGuardian0: Another “crackdown” in the offing, these people LOVE cracking down on shit. All the “unrest” is FOR the crackdown.
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There was a time when a family could afford a stay-at-home mum. Now both parents are forced to work while the state raises the kids. That isn’t progress — it’s demolition dressed as childcare.
30 hours of free childcare: a promise made, a promise delivered. A landmark moment for working families across the country. Our Plan for Change is putting money back in parents’ pockets and giving every child the best start in life.
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NHS unveils new Kidney Kiosk. Patients told: “Insert debit card and choose which organ to keep.”. Junior nurse: “It’s basically Pret, but with dialysis.”.
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BBC to stream Dead Presenter Weekend. Archive footage of disgraced DJs spliced with live karaoke. PR line: “We’re honouring the heritage.”. When institutions celebrate their predators, the heritage isn’t music — it’s silence.
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ROYAL MAIL TO DELIVER FEELINGS INSTEAD OF LETTERS. Posties trained to emote at doorsteps. Union rep: “Tears are cheaper than stamps.
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PFIZER REVEALS BOOSTER-INFUSED CANDLES. Light one, inhale synthetic “health™.”. Ad slogan: “Breathe Trust™.”.
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UN OFFICIALLY DECLARES MEAT A MICROAGGRESSION. But insects remain “culturally inclusive.”. Jamie Oliver: “Caterpillars are the new steak.”.
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NEW TAX ON SILENCE INTRODUCED. Moments of quiet deemed antisocial. Treasury: “If you’re not speaking, you’re hiding income.”.
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CHILDREN TO RECEIVE QR CODES AT BIRTH. Hospitals say it simplifies tracking and taxation. NHS rep: “Why waste time on names?”.
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GOVERNMENT WARNS SLEEP IS A ‘SELFISH ACT’. Ministers urge citizens to stay awake for GDP. Celebrity insomnia coach: “Dreams are unpatriotic.”.
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SCHOOL DINNERS TO INCLUDE ‘THERAPY SAUCE’. Meals spiked with mood stabilisers. Education Minister: “Learning is easier when no one feels.”.
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