Don’t look at me weird, when I am serious. Cause thats when I am in “when will my pizza arrive” mode which I don’t think you will ever understand!

Guy1 - congrats sikandar ! Guy2 - how do u know my name? Guy1 - u've won a basket of green vegetables ! Guy2 - kya matlab ? Guy1 - wo sikandar hi dosto , kehlata hai , hari bhaaji ko jeetna jise ata h

how to make a poached egg: 1. take an egg 2. [indescribable sorcery] 3. you have a poached egg

Desi parents be like: Alexa, aage ka kya socha hai?

*Ambani starts Laxmi Pujan* Laxmi ji:

This is called Dude ka Dude aur Pony ka Pony

When you ask for a MacBook Air for your birthday 😑

God: first off, you’re super smart. Parrot: sweet so I’m like a bird of prey right? God: not exactly, but you can talk! Parrot: nice nice, so I'm King of all Birds, and answer to no one? God: Parrot: hey what's this cage for?

Mom: Keep an eye on the food on the grill while I run inside real quick? Me: What do I have to do? Mom: Nothing. Me: Consider me highly qualified.

Date: I like your shirt Me: thanks, I like the shape of your skull

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

I have a huge problem deciphering the difference between hunger and pure boredom

Scientist: This test can determine whether a person is a psychopath *hands me a plain rice cake* Me: *slowly eats the entire rice cake, expressionless and unblinking* Scientist: Yup, total fuckin psycho

The finely honed skill of pretending to be ok.

Dear music, I suspect she still thinks of me.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar] bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can't see you anymore. I won't let you hurt me again. Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.