Bitter Tea Tor
@write_tor
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Zinester, writer, library worker. Ex-evangelical & abuse survivor who will finish that goddamn memoir about it all. Bigender trans weirdo (they/them)
Portland, OR
Joined October 2010
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If you wanna read my work and support a queer, disabled, survivor of abuse these are the links:
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talk to asexual ppl, survivors, asexual survivors, & also other queer & queer survivors about growing up in conservative christianity & we can very much explain to you how much compelled sexuality is a part of conservativism.
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“We can’t kick abusers out of our communities, that’s punitive & vengeful & the worst thing you can do to someone!” no you can’t kick them out of your communities because abusers build community w/ people who they know won’t kick them out.
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the “trans masc who didn’t know t would make them MANLY and hairy and sweaty etc” is a lie cooked up by the gendercrits & the truscums (idk who originated it). Transmeds have -always- been spinning stories of the “trender” who will regret -everything- —
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“trans men are discouraged from being masculine” & “trans men are discouraged from being feminine” can both coexist bc trans men are discouraged from existing.
The ‘rules’ for how trans men conduct themselves are supposed to be impossible. Patriarchy doesn’t want us in any form
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the problem with the hyperfocus on ‘what if a trans man goes on t not understanding it will make him look like a man’ is that the far more common experience is being unprepared for how *slow* the changes from testosterone can be & that they are not guaranteed.
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it’s more than ‘sex negativity’ it’s “you cannot have sex this way but you *have* to have sex this way”
parts of it have only just started to (begrudging) agree that marital rape is real, otherwise you are required to get married & once married, you -don’t- get to say no
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—bc “she” dares to want to be feminine or go on low dose t. They specifically fill trans mascs heads with the fear that even one dose of low t will make you the hairiest manliest man man that every manned, so don’t you -dare- you stupid “girl” this is for -REAL- men like them.
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this is why I’ve always been hypercritical of the rhetoric that survivors sexuality is damaged either through being ‘sex repulsed’ or ‘hyper sexual.’ Sometimes ‘I will never have sex again’ -or- ‘I’m gonna fuck constantly’ are two sides of the same reclamation
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because ‘don’t have sex’ isn’t the whole story, it’s ‘don’t have sex the way you want to, have sex the way we demand, have sex the way others want you to have sex, you don’t have the right to say -yes-, but you also don’t have the right to say -no-, bc your body isn’t yours’
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happy pride to girlboy boygirl womanman manwoman non-binaries whose sexualities make everyone mad
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ppl get real weird when you bring up bodily autonomy & mental illness & i hope you know that forcibly institutionalizing & medicating someone for being queer or gender non-conforming or opposing the state is no more horrifying than when it happens to someone who’s mentally ill
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the transmeds believe that all detransitioners were “girls” persuaded by falsehoods about the effects of t & that if only we properly gatekeep transition away from the gnc & non-binary trans mascs will this stop
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“‘Ostracizing’ an abuser is horrific & will only make them worse!” I guarantee you that was first a threat an abuser flung at their victim to make them stay, convinced their friends was true & then made ‘community’ around anyone who was willing to agree with it.
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tw: rape, csa
feminists have spent so long carefully debunking myths/defenses of rape: rape is about power, rape is not bc rapists are sexually repressed or addicted, can’t help themselves’; etc, & then you bring up csa & ppl will be like “‘k but this time these myths are real”
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i keep seeing this “bit” on instagram & it makes me so mad every time
if you feel like shit three weeks out of the month so much it impacts your ability to exercise that is not normal woman things
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Why do conservative Christian churches have such a huge abuse problem? Because abusers are comforted there. Because ‘I beat my wife but now I know Jesus so you can’t judge me’ is the logic the faith makes -for- them, so they seek solace there.
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they are conceding to the the gendercrit fearmongering that “girls” really are transitioning in high numbers, and detransitioning bc they were girls led astray by false promises & ignorance. And it’s all transphobia & anti-transmasculinity
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(this is not to discount survivors who want to have a particular kind of sex life & feel impeded by their trauma, obviously, this is literally about survivors being unable to -assert- their own sexuality without it being pathologized for not conforming to expected cishet norms)
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a lot of ppl only define "trans men" as "the trans people who look & live indistinguishably from cis men" & that's when you realize that a lot of ppl's ideas of trans men's lives are based entirely on the fact that they've just decided the rest of us don't -really- count as men
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Compelled sexuality is clear to see, imo, when you’re categorically asserting “no, never” bc ppl try to figure out if you’re saying no for the ‘wrong’ reasons, as though if you’re ‘denying yourself’ a sex life you would want if you were…someone else, you should be that person
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gendercrits love to claim that we transition bc of how much praise we get for being trans but no trans person has ever come close to praising me for being trans the way cis ppl acted the one time I was forced to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding.
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i don’t know why so many trans people concede to this story and treat it as real, aside from a refusal to interrogate their own assumptions that us non-binary & GNC transmascs really are ‘girls’ & girls must be stupid & ignorant & easily persuaded
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and anyone engaging with these stories as legitimate is bolstering up these lies. W*tson, for instance, was a transmed type herself. She wasn’t led astray by falsehoods abt t, she’s using the gendercrit fearmongering to her advantage while mocking the strawman she mocked before
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Like ffs, it should be obvious that -any- way of confronting & properly rooting out abuse will involve methods -abusers don’t like- & think is -unfair- because they feel justified in their abuse & want others to say they are, too. They want their communities to agree with them.
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If an abuser *likes* the method of dealing with abuse, if they think it is properly just & if out of their own mouth -they’re- telling you that this is the only way to make them stop hurting others, then I guarantee you it’s bc your methods enable them.
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tbh what i’m mainly getting from the doordash discourse is that able-bodied ppl are more than capable of completely downsizing their life to the barest essentials for the sake of leftist values, and choose not to bc they’re raging ableist hypocrites
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It’s interesting how masculinity is policed different whether you’re a transmasc who’s gay for women (me) or a gay trans man, where I feel I have to actively assert my right to still call myself gay just for the sole reason that I take t, but gay trans men
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Think about how terfs discuss trans men: if trans men are masculine, it is a performance, it is gender roles & proof that you are a girl playing dress up
If trans men are feminine, it is proof that you really are female & your female socialization is showing
There no winning.
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if you frame a woman being attracted to/dating cis men as something *she* is doing wrong, as a problem *she* needs to fix, if you frame the violence she’s at risk for as a thing *she’s* doing to *you* you’re a victim-blamer & a misogynist.
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some trans ppl will talk abt what non-binary ppl have to do to “prove” they’re non-binary & “no longer live as cis” & to prove their partner doesn’t ~secretly~ misgender them & it makes me sad realizing there are trans ppl who do not know you should expect to be loved as you are.
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Maybe I should make this my last tweet of all of this, but there’s so many people insisting that there is literally no way to fully know whether a survivor is telling the truth or not & I have to say if you believe that, you can’t do “restorative justice” either.
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the overcaution of preparing the trans masc who must totally think that t won’t make them look like a man is that plenty of trans mascs think that testosterone is easy street in transition. And it’s really, really not for the vast majority of us.
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I read far more “is there any point, am I ever going to look different, is this all that t is going to do for me, I’ve been on it for two years why is there barely any difference???” laments than I’ve ever seen “oh my god testosterone made me grow a beard????”
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are trans men struggling with a kind of passive invisibility & misgendering or are we struggling w/ being treated as though we have ‘stolen’ our bodies away from womanhood & therefore ‘stolen’ our experiences away from being defined as ‘exclusive women’s experiences’?
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anyway csa is about power, csa is not caused by sexual repression or addiction or illness, it is not caused by ppl who ‘can’t help themselves,’ it is not an overwhelming urge that ppl need to fight, it is about power, it is about intention, it is about wanting to hurt a child.
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Transmasc spaces are full of reminders to despairing trans mascs & caution to newly-starting-t ones that the first year on t may not give you much in the way of changes. You may not grow any facial hair, or have your voice drop that much, or…anything. Transition takes time.
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re: diy hrt—i hate how we see “under a doctors care” or “prescribed by a doctor” as “safe”
drs routinely fuck up your dose, dismiss your side effects, deny you meds or force them on you, & act like the word of the dr supersedes your actual health
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Once you start thinking about csa as rape, which is a sentence so obvious I feel dumb for even saying it, it’s real easy to understand that since rapists pick targets they know are least likely to be believed & easiest to overpower & silence, wow look at that, kids fit the bill
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People using "harm" to mean both "the ways we can unintentionally hurt each other" and "abusers" & act like both require the same treatment make me wonder once again what the difference is between a lot of ppl's leftism & conservative christianity
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Sexual violence survivors—and specifically, csa survivors—make up a huge demographic, cutting across all other lines of marginalization, & our issues are completely bound up w/ issues of queerness, misogyny, & mental health & yet you wouldn’t know it by the way we talk.
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at my job I sometimes overhear conversations between social workers & homeless ppl & most of the problems are just “I don’t want to live in a place without privacy/where ppl can steal my shit/where I’d have to bus two hours to get to work” like duh! no one would want that!
“service-resistant” homeless people don’t exist, your services are just shitty and ppl rightfully don’t want them
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Even the time I cracked a joke like “I went of finasteride yesterday, where’s my beard?” got me reminders from trans masc friends that that may take awhile, bc we’re all aware of how much that despair can destroy you if you think hrt isn’t working for you.
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child sexual abusers are rapists who choose children as their target, children are not even always their *only* target bc rapists are opportunists. It is about power, not sexual desire: that’s rape culture 101.
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There needs to be more writing devoted to challenging the pervasive, rape culture myth that conservative environments create sexually violent men bc of "sexual repression" & "anti-sex rhetoric" bc it is 100% a lie.
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It can be true that society is putting you down & trying to make you minimize yourself & discourage you from being yourself w/out any other ‘side’ that’s getting -encouraged- because the only real encouragement any of us get is to not exist.
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somewhere buried on our external hard drive is a tumblr post me and a fellow csa survivor made a over a decade ago of a point by point list of literally everything ppl say abt child sexual abuse & abusers & its one-to-one match w/ rape apologia & victim blaming & I’m tired
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“there’s a sharp line between trans men and transmasc” I’ve had loads of gender conversations w/ trans men whose gender is just as non-binary & genderfucky as mine but they only call themselves men & transmascs who never call themselves men but mostly see themselves as such
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ppl with "butch" in their handle reblogging my "testosterone is for girls, too" zine: good, amazing, wonderful, yes, *same hat*, exactly
clicking on their username hoping for a cool new person I might follow and seeing "men dni": ok so not me then, I guess
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A decade ago we were saying “hey actually if you’re a feminist enough you wouldn’t say this about rapists & their victims, then don’t say it abt child sexual abusers & their victims” & god I’m so tired of still seeing the same exact shit.
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No non-binary trans person should put up with being misgendered, not from partners, not from strangers, and not from fellow queer ppl who constantly tell you no one who loves you is ever -really- seeing you as non-binary bc of the way you look or dress or act
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are treated as though they’re not even allowed to assert their own gayness *until* they’ve gotten top surgery & t & dress masculine ‘enough’ & ‘prove’ that they’re man enough for it.
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wait'll the 'trans men can't be lesbians' crowd finds out about all the trans women who are gay for men
sometimes the trans women who are gay for men date the lesbian trans men & then it's like 3x gay actually
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it’s such a trip to watch trans ppl speculate abt the gendered experience of others, the sex they have, how ‘queer’ that sex is, esp when speculating & defining the gender & sexuality of others is half of heteronormative culture. It’s one of the straightest things you can do.
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love the way it’s just about reinforcing that men are just naturally stronger bc they can work out every day and women barely can
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it’s actually really easy to tell when someone is gendering you correctly as a trans man vs when someone is treating you as a gender traitor
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@LuckeeNein
A woman once saw my they/them/their pin & happily said to me, “oh I love grammar!”
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deeply always love the way pro-psych ppl bring up the “scary mental illnesses” bc they presume that ppl who have delusions or hallucinations or “don’t know what reality is” cannot speak for themselves or have a right to determine what they want for their life
We want people who are catatonic or schizophrenic or acutely suicidal to never again be incarcerated, sexually assaulted, physically assaulted, violently forcibly medicated, and targeted with ableist violence in the many, many other ways psychiatry perpetuates ableist violence.
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my next spicy take is that bisexual women love men in queer ways
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Some of this is abt us, though some of it feels like bullshit gender essentialism, where men (esp gay men)‘s attraction is seen as all physical, all body, all carnal, & you, the gay trans man, have to *have* that body in order for any man to find you desireable
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@wifeguy9000
I was a supercuts person, then a "my partner runs clippers through my hair" bc supercuts would forcibly Girl my hair all the time, until I found an actual affordable queer-friendly place but it's weird how often 'affordable' & 'queer-friendly' are antonyms
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and that's not even touching on the fact that a lot of queer people define "men" as binary, and if any non-binary man pushes back on any discussion about the Universal Man Experiences ppl force us in, we just straight up get "no, I'm talking abt MEN men" like okay
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whenever leftists talk abt the dangers of ‘false accusations’ suddenly they are very aware of the power a community can have over an individual, of the force it can exert to ostracize, condemn, & punish & yeah. That’s what it does to survivors. That’s what abuse apologism *is*
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Much of the policing of trans people’s bodies, much of the way we’re judged, easily comes from fellow trans people who use the metric of cis bodies to categorize what our gender ‘really’ is, or whether we’re properly ‘doing’ the gender we say we are correctly enough.
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also even when your cycle impacts your energy no two ppl are the same. The idea this there is some Identical Menstrual Cycle Experience is definitionally misinformation
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every time someone acts like you're misgendering yourself by daring to say that your manhood is different than cis men's, I just wanna be like, okay, you're right, there is one manhood & it's mine, sorry folks, all men are now bigender, I didn't make the rules.
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suddenly I had everyone's attention, suddenly everyone wanted to comment on the dress I was wearing, the way my hair was done, the fucking makeup on my face, constantly, overwhelmingly, even weeks after the fact.
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so if I take t & ’only’ bind, any woman attracted to me is straight bc women’s desire is fully clothed & conceptual & I present as a man—but if I take t & ’only’ bind (no top surgery), any man attracted to me is straight bc he can only see me as breasts & genitals
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Verbalizing your abuse, standing against your abuser, testifying about what they did, and escaping that abuse, is treated as an act of hubris, akin to declaring yourself blameless, perfect, good.
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but women are seen as *not* sexually driven, not lustful, certainly never turned on by the human body, so any woman who is attracted to me would be so on the pure social & emotional framework of gender, which is now “too close” to man to make it gay.
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I think a lot of non-survivors do not know how many people in a given community are very well aware of what your abuser did & still do not care.
They think that abuse continues solely bc we don’t ‘reach out’ bc then they can pretend away how little they do anything when we do.
Coming to believe that telling survivors to appeal to their communities for justice when those same communities created the conditions for the abuse to happen in the first place is not as different from telling them to appeal to politicians/courts as we’ve been pretending.
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this is the story gendercrits claim trans ppl are doing, latching onto feelings of awkwardness & loneliness to convince us we're trans, but it's cis ppl both doing the isolating & then offering the cure by giving overwhelming positive attention to gender conforming behavior
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but it’s abt us too bc trans ppl are defined by how *cis* ppl see us (even t4t gay trans men are treated as ‘playacting’ male sexuality if they aren’t on t or don’t bind) we’re declared gay or straight by how ppl define *cis* attraction
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and for someone who had been told, implicitly and sometimes even explicitly, that I was Failing At Being A Girl, someone who was very aware that other ppl were *anxious* abt my gender & gender expression, this was a heady amt of positive attention
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I know this goes against the platitudes Parents Reassuring Parents offer each other but "wants to be a good parent" is not actually proof that you are one bc sometimes "I want to be a good parent" means "I want to treat my kids how I want *and still be counted* as a good parent"
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leftists talk abt ‘ending the nuclear family’ & then simply snake the ‘suburban fence’ around each relationship within their polycule & community.
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Calling someone your abuser is a reclamation of the power they took from you. You are saying you get to define what happened to you, the gravity of it, the name of it, the meaning—not them, or their defenders. Ppl fear the unflinching survivor speaking loud more than an abuser
Referring to someone as an abuser doesn’t dehumanize them any more than calling someone a landlord does.
What it *does* do is allow us to speak about an exploitative power imbalance and point to where the power lies, and that’s the real problem folks have w/ the term “abuser.”
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also love “women” written in red so you know this is about The Bleeding
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So even the t4t couple is judged not by their attraction to each other, but by a third party assessment as to how the ‘cis view’ of us would appraise our sexuality. And the ‘cis view’ here isn’t even just cis ppl perpetuating it.
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yes its true i put the tgel on just before leaving the house and then rub my arms all over bus seats & then i send signals to transmascs who cant get hrt that this is the Good Seat
im sorry this is so funny, just imagine some nefarious t gel user smearing copious amounts of t gel on their hands and going on a handshaking spree to force masc anyone that crosses their path
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there is nothing trans people can do to get away from the ppl who hate us thinking we’re crazy, unhinged, “gender specials,” pathetic, mockable ppl. You can hate as many “fake trans” ppl or w/e as you want, you’ll never earn transphobes respect
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anyway, my hyper feminine stint was unsurprisingly fueled by & coupled w/ a massive amt of dissociation, disordered eating, and self-harm until I eventually crashed and burned.
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sorry to the queer ppl who can only relate to queer ppl exactly like them & disparage other queers Not Like Them, I have no such sense of self wrt to other queers that situates them as Other separate from me & thus get to delight & recognize myself in a plethora of ppl
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getting turned on =/= sexual attraction and i really wish people would think for a moment about the of rhetoric they’re bolstering used to minimize & victim blame sexual violence survivors when they define asexuality/lack of attraction by lack of arousal
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dress femininely, wear makeup, suddenly you are liked, suddenly you are not a problem to be fixed, suddenly no one is sitting down and asking you why you don't act like a girl. this must be why ppl don't like me, why i'm lonely, why I feel broken all the time.
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The transmasc bigender experience is knowing that as long as I am talking abt my trans masculinity, my experiences are treated as communal; one of shared manhood. If I am talking abt being non-binary, or specifically bigender, suddenly my needs are so different as to be unrelated
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is it abt making us invisible back into womanhood, or is it abt looking at a trans man, saying “actually those things happened to a girl, and not to you, bc those are girl experiences & you’re not one”?
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anytime ppl are like “if you say trans men can have a different relationship to gender & sexuality then cys men you’re being transphobic” i wanna be like “ok if cys men’s experiences don’t align with trans men, & there can only be one, then cys men aren’t men”
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If the very first baseline of “trust a survivor to name who hurt them” is so impossible to truly suss out, if there is no way to fully know this with any accuracy then your community *cannot do anything* for survivors, not even the things you claim are the right ways to handle it
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is it simply a denial of our experiences, or is it an active & punishing process is which we are told that our lives are identical to cis men, and that whatever issues we face for being trans men belong to women & get to be “stolen back” from us?
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I was that scene in george of the jungle where he sees that coffee commercial and thinks coffee will win ursula's love. which I know is a doofy metaphor, but it's the best way to explain the logic in my head that lighbulbed "ppl finally are telling me what was wrong with me"
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fascinating how much the narratives around mental illness & esp "crazy" exist to comfort ppl that there is a clear, definable line between themselves & the ppl they see as needing or deserving restraint, containment, & the override of their bodily autonomy
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too many leftists have a starry-eyed view of what courts do. a system for establishing facts? truth? and accurately meting out justice? lawl. lmao. they do literally none of those things.
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If that’s the case you’re better off just stapling a big “sexual violence survivors are on their own” sign to the doors of your communities so at least people are prepared for what they’re getting into
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@RiotLinguist
and then the ripple effects of gamergate emboldened so many dudes to troll the hell out of every feminist and survivor online they could. Just straight up killed so much of survivor tumblr
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Ppl will frequently argue that like, sex workers would curb the problem of sexual violence, an argument that first says that ppl see sex workers as dumping grounds for sexually violent men & secondly...just isn't how it works at all.
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"nobody wants community!" & the community is don't question the leadership, don't cause divisiveness or threaten unity, speaking up/breaking up community is worse than abuse, don't take conflict to social media, "others first, yourself last" & I did that already w/ church
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Conservative Christianity *perpetuates* the idea that men are sexually uncontrollable: their entire sexual ethos is that marriage "civilizes men" Marriage exists to give men frequent & consistent access to sex such that they won't "take it out" on other women
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@butchanarchy
flashbacks to my christian days where dudes would talk abt how yea, it was really hard that god asked women to submit &obey but he asked men to be the leaders& that's scary! it's a lot of pressure! they have their own issues having to Be In Charge that women don't understand!
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& many ppl will respond to posts abt how you shouldn’t force treatment on ppl & be like “welll….but some NEED that treatment” bc they’re too cowardly to explicitly say “i think we should have an authority that gets control over others bodies” bc they *know* they sound horrible
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