The Wizard
@wizardsextape
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13,481
Following
302
Media
858
Statuses
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Magic is everywhere... if you believe... (pfp by greg call)
Florida's Turnpike
Joined December 2021
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Me: I promise I won't cast gaseous form at the function tonight
3 potions later:
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I did this to a man at subway once but it wasn't sand it was blood and viscera
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Trans people: I'm trans
Society: Ok
The Foul Colossus I summoned from an evil dimension:
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Adventurer: a new dungeon! Let's see what enemies lurk inside...
The diabolical slime:
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I've been trying to curse this man for 8 years but every time I cast a foul spell in his direction it reflects back at me and gives me another brain tumor
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I found Santa Claus fucking around on my roof so I imprisoned him within my cube. No Christmas this year, sorry
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Adorable! My newborn homunculus has learned to walk upright! Soon I will send it to war!
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My scheming, silver-tongued eunuch advisor: sire there is word on the wind, that the dwarves are building machines of war
The dwarves:
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How it feels to be pro blood magic at the Council of Wizards
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Little kid at walmart touched my cursed robe so I sent him to my Dimension. Parents control your kids please
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Me: oouuughh my stomach is killing me... what was in that potion...
The gargantuan parasitic worm:
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the PORK PARADOX.
friendly reminder that pork contains the souls of banished humans
look into the eyes of the swine for yourself
tell me that these are not the eyes of a human being.
tell me this is not somebody who was punished for brutal criminality.
it is a medical FACT.…
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I have sealed St. Valentine within my prism. Love is canceled this year
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Heartbreaking! Football player terrorizes frightened homunculus
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Putting my newborn daughter in the simulation pan to prepare her for the rocky beaches of the Goblin Wars
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Earlier this morning my wife gave virgin birth to these three beautiful boys. I named them Hunger, Thirst, and Pain, and they are our messiah
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Bro's crystal wasn't even forged from dragon's blood LMAO this staff is NOT protecting your tower from orc marauders 😭
Put a crystal in it, now it's a real magic staff lol
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Jolly joyous halflings when you tell them any joke regardless of quality
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Showing this to my computer to give it body dysmorphia
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Adventurer: oh my, what exotic sights could possibly await me in this magical fantasy city!
The fuckass kenku:
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I pranked this idiot magician by reversing gravity in his workshop lol get punked asshole
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That green devil the Grinch broke in last night and tried to steal my roast beast so naturally I strapped him to my wheel
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I'm sorry I mistook you for a beast
I WORE THIS TO THE WIZARD'S BALL AND GOT STABBED 16 TIMES IN THE CHEST THEN SET ON FIRE
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Me: alright guys I hope you're all ready to have a great Super Bowl Sunday!
The soulless automaton I made without love:
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Oh if only an honorable adventurer or dashing prince would come marry one of my three beautiful daughters!
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Has anyone seen my infant son? I accidentally turned him into a bundle of long fibres and I can't find him anywhere! He should be fine as long as no one tortures him with various rudimentary machines and tools
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This is what the highest floor of my tower looks like I sit up here and cast evil curses on babies from afar. I can see them coughing on the little TV
all my friends hate coming over because this is my living room
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I really botched that teleportation spell, where the hell am I
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When the wizard council makes it illegal to hunt and kill gnomes and grind them up for potions
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Gotta be when they use crazy clickbait like when the title is "TOP TEN RICK AND MORTY FACTS YOU WON'T BELIEVE" and then the actual video is footage of me in a hotel room I've never seen before, crawling on the floor like an animal, soaked in the blood of corpses I don't recognize
List off your Youtuber pet peeves, for example:
The whole “ending the video early” bit is so overdone and is never funny
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This is the last picture I took of my son before a drunk dump truck driver crashed into us and turned him into a grisly streak of gore upon the pavement
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My useless homunculus tipped over my cauldron and ruined my bubbling brew so now he gets to think about what he's done inside the Starvation Cage
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For our senior prank me and the boys achieved true ego death. Like beasts of the field, we crawled on all fours, forgot our names, for without names there is no form. A single soul, experiencing nothing but purest instinct. Hunger, thirst, fear, and madness. We were the universe
what was “the incident” at your mages guild?
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They're throwing Artificers in jail now 😢
Recently, your
@nypd90pct
patrol cops responded to a call of a man with a gun in Brooklyn.
Thanks to their swift response & help from the community, an individual (currently on probation) possessing this weapon & fake FBI shield was safely apprehended & taken to jail.
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JESUS CHRIST, TURN ON THE ORB. TURN ON THE ORB. ANY CHANNEL. THEY HIT THE FUCKING SPIRES
BREAKING -
A second dragon has hit the Dual Spires. More news to follow on this tragedy.
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And yes, I am sending cursed evil skulls to you :) u hurt me and this is what you get
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Adventurer: oh boy a dungeon! I can't wait to see what treasure it holds! I hope there isn't a dastardly and difficult boss in the way...
The nefarious King Slime:
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Obsessed with this bot reply
How it feels to be pro blood magic at the Council of Wizards
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Letting them kill me and eat my enchanted corpse so they may absorb my arcane abilities and use them to escape this locked room
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To prevent World War 1 I have imprisoned Archduke Franz Ferdinand within my cursed sarcophagus
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There is a massive cave system underneath Washington DC inhabited by squat, pot-bellied dogmen. I lived amongst them. I learned their ways. John Biden forces them to mine for a strange, orange goo that powers the internet. I once loved a female dogman. She is gone now.
Tell your craziest conspiracy theory that would get you like this
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Me, wandering through the king's labyrinth: oh man I hope no beasts are in here
The fearsome minotaur:
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Just unsealed the cube and fuck guys I fucked up. I think I killed Krampus
I found Santa Claus fucking around on my roof so I imprisoned him within my cube. No Christmas this year, sorry
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Wow ❤️ my son Groblab has grown so big and strong... tomorrow I send him to fight in the Eternal Blood War 💖
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Let me just safely carry this massive armful of ancient potions down the stairs to- NO, OH NO, OH NO NO
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Heyyy booktok girlies... what’s the ✨ spice ✨ level of this book 👀 🙈
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YOU CROPPED OUT MY USERNAME. METEOR SWARM UPON YE
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My sentient crab rangoons enjoy their final drink of sweet and sour sauce before I devour them. I created them because I like to know my food is suffering
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Oh that's just where the costroll lives
thinking about moving into the grotto below the costco
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Dwarven engineering is advancing at an unprecedented rate! We should all fear for our lives
My scheming, silver-tongued eunuch advisor: sire there is word on the wind, that the dwarves are building machines of war
The dwarves:
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BREAKING NEWS: At a press conference earlier tonight, Joe Biden summoned a much larger, phantom clone of himself. I'm hearing this clone has both blood magic and psychic abilities. How will this affect the 2024 election?
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Ah... the beautiful Siren lulls me toward sweet oblivion...
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You foolish, naked ape-thing. This creature is wiser and nobler than you know. Belittle him if you wish, but one day you will die old and wrinkled and incontinent. He will die as he lives, with dignity and majesty, fur radiant as the sun
tell this fat fuck to get out of the water he’s blocking the water flow
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And? She deserves to be there! Green Creature gave an outstanding performance in My Recurring Nightmare for the Past Eight Months
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Me: what a good day to enjoy the company of my friends and family. And to not get abducted and experimented on with needles and clamps and probing machines
Litte grey aliens:
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Watching my army of goblins and orcs celebrate from my tower before we raze the nearest kingdom
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Gandalf: tell me, friend, when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?!
Saruman: Gandalf the White? Gandalf the fool!
Radagast:
wow this lady says she healed her kidney infection with her thoughts
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Wizards can we turn this guy into a foul newt 👇
GUYS GUYS GUYS
I FOUND WIZARDPOSTING
LIKE ACTUAL ROLEPLAYING
WIZARDS ARE REALLLL
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POV your soul has been ripped from heaven so your reanimated corpse can serve in my skeleton army for the rest of eternity
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That's just my good friend Wosbius the Wide, he's half House
In Florida rn and there’s a crazy wizard character with an orb… ermmmm, what the deuce?
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This is my Realm of Doors. Each one opens to a new dimension, each more woke than the last
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HANDS OFF MY CAR. METEOR SWARM UPON YOU.
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Me: I sure hope this ancient amulet I found isn't cursed!
The strangely cunty mummy:
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Wizards: My knowledge of the arcane is unmatched!
Sorcerers: My enchanted bloodline gives me powers beyond imagination!
Artificers:
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@CantEverDie
You can't post this the Green Hag with whom I sired eighteen rough rowdy sons will see
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A small, blue creature
Ketchup isn't available, what would you add to this breakfast?
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How else is he going to come to life
please stop shoving quarters in the mothman statue’s ass crack
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I tried to turn this man to ash with one wicked strike but the enchanted runes etched on his back reflected my dark magicks and sent me back to the dimension from whence I came
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Pictured: me and my gargantuan terrible son 😊
Sorry about the earthquake everyone I dropped my massive and disappointing son
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No adorable little boy wearing overalls and a propeller hat! Don't lick the lollipop that turns you into a ca- alas, I am too late 😔
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Me: fetch boy! Fetch!
My ghoulish sea-hound from the 16th aquatic realm:
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Gnome expert here, this is totally OK to do! You can torture gnomes to death, as long as you're having fun! :)
I found a stupid fucking gnome in the woods and tortured it to death and it felt amazing
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Guys The Wizard stole my tweet
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Sorry about the earthquake everyone I dropped my massive and disappointing son
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I do this to dogs
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Things have become more dire
BREAKING NEWS: At a press conference earlier tonight, Joe Biden summoned a much larger, phantom clone of himself. I'm hearing this clone has both blood magic and psychic abilities. How will this affect the 2024 election?
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Wow! Can you guys believe it! This image just won the Oscar for Best Picture!
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How werewolves look at you when you hit them with that imitation silver bullet
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Oh man I can't wait to leave my tower today without being pelted with heavy painful rocks
The dwarf who throws rocks at me every time I leave my tower:
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Princess Jane was beheaded in a car accident on Florida's Turnpike this morning at 9:33 am.
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Wizards: for decades I've studied the deepest arcane secrets, my magic is unmatched
Fighters: my martial training has given me raw power that most can only dream of
Barbarians:
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I would only wear the Apple Glass if it had night vision, infrared, and also allowed me to scan living creatures for weak points
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Me casting Spell of Consciousness on the mannequins at the mall
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