just had a rlly good talk with my psychiatrist , and i’m heavily considering recovering again argh . i’ll never feel sick enough so why wait yknow ? idk idk
i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to get worse i need to -
can someone reassure me that it’s okay if i don’t get my steps in 2day ? :( i’ve been pacing so much the last few says and i’m in pain but i feel so restless nd anxious
ed’s are so fucking terrifying , i know if i keep going i’ll eventually just die , but i also can’t stop . i can’t get over the intense panic i feel when i eat more than my planned kcal limit . i want to live and i’m scared of my own brain and what it’s doing
tw // med abuse
sometimes i think abt using my benzos again but then i remember the time i was so out of it i came out as trans to my parents and don’t remember what i said at all -
having a “fuck my ed” day ( still counting kcals ) and enjoying some banana bread . going out for dinner w/ my family later because i miss enjoying a meal together <3 restricting again tomorrow tho
4:45 am and i’m having a breakdown because i’m jealous of my sisters and their food freedom . they eat what they want and r so happy , i’m scared i’ll never experience that . . :(
btw i want to clarify that i’m still very much disordered , i’m just trying to not let things get too bad . i’m still gnna lose weight but slowly so that my parents don’t force me to go to the hospital *—*
got more pears !! along with some other stuff including pasta , it’s a big ff but my ultimate autism safe food so gnna challenge it ( dedicating it to @/pastaomad )
anyways , had a mental breakdown last night , told my mom i didn’t wnna live like this anymore . we went to the ER today and i just got send home lol .
today is so good actually 🥹 not being too strict on myself kcal and steps wise , just recovering from yesterday and doing all my tasks . tomorrow i’m locking the fuck in though , gnna speedrun to my ugw teehee