SunflowerRose🎗️
@wendyevaK
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Hoping for a world with understanding and peace #csa survivor and firm supporter of the #SickNotWeak family Nature is my healer
Musqueam land
Joined September 2017
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This morning I pushed through the darkness
Studied my eyes, my face in the mirror
Declared:
I see your courage, you are loved, you are beautiful & meaningful & worthy, I love you & honour all your feelings
Today, depression will not win
#SickNotWeak
#CSA
#healing
#trauma
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My kid witnessed this massive fire outside his work, just this evening at dinnertime
I hope and pray no one was hurt when the crane fell
How heartbreaking
#vancouverfire
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#fuckdepression
That is all
Just… fu-k this feeling of being unworthy and not wanting to exist
There is more to life, and I just can’t seem to shake this
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Fuck.
I’m staring into the darkness again
Thoughts of suicide
And my mind hurts so bad that my body aches for relief
Please send love and light while I sit with my safety plan and remind myself it will get better
I thought I was better
Somehow I stumbled
#SickNotWeak
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Just thought I’d mention:
today’s the 1 year anniversary of when I decided to live, & called the
#SuicidePrevention
clinic for help
So grateful for the therapist I had there & proud of the healing I started
I’ve come a long way, baby!
#SickNotWeak
#CSASurvivor
#FuckDepression
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Today is an important day
March 21st 2019, I decided to end my life
I was done
The pain too much
But I held on, made dinner for my son, texted my friend who insisted I call the crisis line
March 22 2019, I made it through the day, then called for help
#SickNotWeak
#csa
#dv
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“I need help”
This was the scariest thing I’ve said in a long time ‘cuz
last night I had cravings for a noose.
Called AAC at Vancouver Hospital today, admitted I can’t fight this alone anymore.
Thank you to my friends who kicked my ass to call
#SickNotWeak
#ChangeIsHope
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Glorious sunny day, and some much-needed chickadee therapy
I love how their little feet grasp my fingers
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Had a mental health break today, stayed off social media all day
Did qigong in the morn, tackled the boxes in my son’s old room, vacuumed, and made a fantastic swedish meatball dinner, and chocolate babka too!
Still got the sads & my muscles are tense & sore
But I kicked ass
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😳
My mom just validated my child sexual abuse trauma
I really don’t know how to sit with that nor if I can trust it
I waited 40 years for this
She’s sorry, she feels guilty for not protecting me
But is she sorry for invalidating me for 20 years?
Little One feels scared
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I said my abuser’s name out loud today
I’d been afraid and physically unable to say it for over 30 years
I googled his name on my phone and showed my counsellor
Then I marched up to her whiteboard and said while I wrote:
Dr B... is a waste of space!
😡
I feel vindicated
#CSA
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Why is it, after a deep, emotional, healing therapy session, where I leave feeling settled and calm, I then get some kind of hangover where I feel desolate, so alone that everything hurts?
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I got a haircut and curls!
Next week, I’m going to add a splash of fire engine red
#selfcare
#metime
#goldilocks
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The truth is, I am not doing well. I am cracking, and the Darkness is pouring in
The truth is, I am longing for bad things that let the hurt out or numb me
So I tell myself that I have survived times like this
And I’ll to try practice self-compassion and patience
#SickNotWeak
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When I’m in a deep depressive state, struggling with cpstd, symptoms of guilt and shame, nothing brings me joy
Not even my most cherished hobbies
I know many of you can relate to this
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Who would care if I’m gone?
This is a question my brain asks of me because it’s sick with depression & trauma
I know others see my worth & light
Why is it so hard to see it in myself?
I know so many of you struggle with the same
Sending my love into the ether
#SickNotWeak
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I got ID’d at the bar 😆
A bar I used to hang out in, back in 1998
I guess I look good?
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My son has moved to his dad’s and it’s like I don’t exist anymore, not a peep
I’m heartbroken by this
But a young man has to spread his wings and try something new
I just hope in time he realizes all the good things I gave him, and all I sacrificed for his safety and happiness
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I cried for most of my 90 min session
First time ever, my walls down
A lifetime of grief flowing, digging to the root of my core wounds—wellspring of suicidality, self-loathing, pain
Teen & 10 year old put the walls up for a bit, then melded back in as I opened to healing
#csa
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First ocean swim of the year!
It was cold and refreshing, and just the perfect gift from nature for this here mermaid 🧜🏻♀️
Today I won against depression
I chose myself over despair
Tomorrow can wait, I’m living today!
#ocean
#naturetherapy
#SickNotWeak
#FightForYourHappiness
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Therapy was a success today Had the guts to bring in a journal from 20 y ago full of muddled thoughts/fears/memories
Snuggled my bunny stuffy as we read thru the most ick-inducing parts
Triumph over shame & darkness
Lessening of suicidal ideation
#ChangeisHope
#SickNotWeak
#CSA
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A man I’ve loved deeply for years, one who treated my body tenderly like no other, one who professed love but wasn’t ready yet, just announced online that he’s with someone & moving away
I’m gutted
I built a fantasy that we’d be together some day
I didn’t look out for myself
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Thankyou
@anthronw
for a fantastic weekend!
What an amazing group of fun, welcoming, compassionate Furries I’ve met here.
Thank you for fighting against the stigma people attach to the Furry Community
Sincerely,
Mom of a Furry ❤️
#AnthroNorthwest2019
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I want everyone who follows me to know that I will not be leaving Twitter
For me, Twitter has been a blessing, a place of kinship and connection, learning, growing and healing of
#csa
#relationaltrauma
and
#cptsd
You all are my light in a dark and difficult world
I’ll be here
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Can I cry any harder, knowing I’ve thrown away a year’s worth of therapy with a therapist that was so dedicated to me, and all I did was shut him out
It’s not fair
My trauma made me this way
And he can’t spend any more effort on me
He said he gave me his all
And it was true
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I’ve lost a few friends, because most people don’t like us as we explore our trauma and heal
We are too much, too raw, too needy
And so, I feel sad for these losses
But what can be done?
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Sometimes I feel other peoples’ pain too deeply
And I don’t know what to do about it
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Things I learned in trauma recovery and through mental health warriors on Twitter
People often just need an ear and some empathy
They are not looking for advice or an explanation/justification
Listen, with a soft heart
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My painting, from Saturday’s class with renowned artist Javid Tabatabaei
My paper is crappy, so he helped me prepare it, added some extra touches on the mountains, plus the grasses in the forefront
Otherwise, the work is mine, and I’m very pleased!
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I have never been so open nor vulnerable before
And I survived it
My therapist cried with me, allowed me to break eye contact, celebrated my awareness around walls coming up & down, kept gentle eye contact when I felt safe
I survived my traumas
I will survive my healing
#csa
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Awww, my heart melted ❤️
Opened my email to find my boss transfered me money for a Christmas bonus
And my therapist sent me a sweet “thinking of you” email
This man has such a compassionate heart, thinking of his clients even on his days off
I’m alone, yet having a lovely day
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In healing from
#cptsd
, for me it’s sad realization that I may not heal from these wounds
I may not ever learn to feel safe to trust myself and others
Healing comes from the acceptance that I’m wounded, and doing my best not to further get hurt, nor hurt others in my life
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So.... I finally finished knitting this beauty!
(And now it’s my favourite sweater ❤️)
#Celebratethewin
#SickNotWeak
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Take away from today’s horse therapy session:
I’m not the black sheep as painted to be
I’m the bright, meaningful child that didn’t get what they needed
Also, my child makes their choices based on their need
I am still an ally, especially when I ask questions that need asking
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Making progress on a quilt for a friend, using scraps from her 4 kids’ baby clothes
It will be a Tree of Life
And I’m very pleased so far
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This weekend I have the honour of having my art in an art exhibit at a local neighbourhood house
I’m so pleased to be in the company of other great artists in our community
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I’m having surgery next Tues, not a hysterectomy, but similar
I’m scared b/cuz it’s not laparoscopic like the hyst
I will be trapped on my back, instruments in my lady parts, a direct repeat of my childhood abuse at the hand of the doc
I hope I don’t panic or flashback
#csa
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I am here because a friend cared
I am here because I wanted to see the sunshine again
I am here because the pain couldn’t erase the beautiful things in my life
I am here because I refused to give up
#WorldSuicidePreventionDay
#SickNotWeak
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I said No, and I feel good about it.
I’m done with being used by this person who strung me along and broke my heart
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As childhood survivors of trauma, then & now, what we really needed was to be seen, heard, understood
As adults in recovery, when that finally happens, it’s a life-changing, burden-lifting moment
We may need for it to happen many times to actually believe it in our souls
#CPTSD
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I finally got a response from the therapist I missed the 15min phone consult with, nearly 2 days after my sincere apology
It was short, barely compassionate, and she made the assumption that missing it was my desire to avoid therapy at present
Boy, I gave her an earful in reply
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Took my son for dinner to celebrate his 20th birthday
We had our typical long hug goodbye
But my dad, ever uncomfortable w/affection, barked at us to stop
As a mom, I chose to give my son secure attachment, despite the rejection I was shown growing up
#healing
#momandson
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I’ve been sobbing for the past 20 minutes since I got home
I feel like the worst daughter, having fought w/both my mom & dad this morning
Setting my boundaries, expressing my anger
They ask why I keep going over it when we talked about it two days ago
It’s welling up
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I bought these books & singing bowl today.
It’s time I start being an active participant in my
#healing
and
#mentalhealth
There’s only so much my therapist can do. The rest is up to me
#SickNotWeak
#FuckDepression
#SuicidePrevention
#CSASurvivor
#FightForYourHappiness
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Final Ketamine integration session
Of course Little One saved the biggest for last
We worked on my
#csa
Trauma, bravely decided to say my abuser’s name out loud, process the pain, vaporize it’s hold on me
After 42 years, I said his name
Criminal doctor
You evil fu*ker
I win
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Took a walk along the beach near my work
It’s so close! Why haven’t I made the trek in the 4 months I’ve worked there?
Ah…the salty seaweed breeze is so soothingly familiar
The waves on the shore like comforting music
#ocean
#naturetherapy
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2:20am
Been unable to sleep for a while
You’d think the exhaustion from 2 intensely tear-filled sessions would’ve helped me sleep
No. I didn’t rest enough after, kept busy to avoid processing
Now lying anxious in bed, not at peace, tired but tense, unsettled
#healing
is hard
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Today is
#PTSDAwarenessDay
Here is a shout out to all you lovely people here with me, battling this mind injury
I see you, and I appreciate your companionship on our journey to
#healing
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Guess who just moved out of his dad’s into his own apartment!😁
Happy mama dragon here, helping my son set up the basement suite in my dad’s house
I’m glad that my son will be close to him
They’ll keep each other company
We ordered Malaysian food to celebrate
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My first urbanscape
We found a glorious spot in the shade, and painted happily for two hours
And then, guess what?
I won! In the draw!
Another travel watercolour set
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I made pretty things in pottery class today!
Picked up an oak leaf and used that as a stamp
Also loving the dragon scale and dragon stamp
Those are for my son
Medium-sizes plate, and some small dip dishes
❤️
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Another session w/my new therapist today
She witnessed me cry for all the things I suffered & lost
This is me opening up, after 3 years in therapy
Home now, bawling my eyes out, thinking of my mom, dad & son having dinner tonight without me
I needed a break, but I feel guilty
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Filling out my PHQ-9 Depression questionnaire before my Ketamine session next week
I rate at 20 (major depression, severe severity)
Been this score since January
I’m tired, I want this to end, I want to get better because I don’t want to live like this
#SickNotWeak
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Had a frank convo w/my mom today about boundaries, what I won’t tolerate, & a request for her to be accountable for her words
She flat out said it’s her culture, she doesn’t have to change, & that not everyone thinks the way I do, so get over myself
Why do I bother healing?
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I painted a watercolour!
Schooner Cove, Tofino, BC, from a photo I took a few years ago.
Colour is moodier than I aimed, but suits the Wet West Coast
I have no idea how to paint, and have minimal talent, but heck, I wanted this so badly today!
#selfcare
#shittyart
#Tofino
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Guess who’s rocking her
#NeverAlone
hoodie on a
#naturetherapy
walk by the river?
Who’s also showing the anxiety beast who is boss?
This fierce survivor, yeah! 👇🏻
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I cried today. It’s a big step.
It lasted only one minute, yet I cried for a whole life feeling worthless.
I held myself, told the Little One I see her, feel her pain, love her so deeply.
The grief remains, yet I know I am enough, I was always enough, to me
#CSA
#FamilyTrauma
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First face to face session with therapist since March.
I’m scared and excited about what we’ll work on in person.
Am I weird for bringing my Dragon and Bunny stuffies with me?
#CSA
#TraumaHealing
#InnerChild
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My parents ask why I keep looking back at the past
Why don’t I move on?
I want to move on, desperately hate this regressive stage
All the things I stifled for decades are coming out seeking witness & validation
And I will feel it, honour it & heal
#intergenerationaltrauma
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Our province is burning
It’s the most destructive wildfire season in history
Photos below are from West Kelowna, where my friend & her family live
Mass evacuations thru-out the province going on
And a major windstorm that’s blown in is going to make things worse
We need rain
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My ex is getting married this month, so says his other ex, the one he abused after me
Just watched a wedding scene on a show, and crying my heart out knowing I’ll never get that, I’ll never feel safe enough to be in relationship, because abuse and complex ptsd took it all away
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Healing is incredibly isolating, especially within a family that doesn’t see the need for it
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Good morning!
Today’s the day!
Start my new job in a very busy, quaint little community pharmacy
I’m not nervous, because I feel wanted and welcomed already by the boss and junior pharmacist
Here’s to the next chapter as a
#HealthcareHero
and
#MentalIlnessWarrior
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I am soooo happy to be on the ocean right now, in the sun and breeze
All my time off this year has been for medical crap and illness
Living in the moment, head clear of ruminations
Enjoying this bliss
#healing
#islandtime
#ferryboat
#fuckdepression
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Ketamine assisted therapy sessions are booked
I am terrified and excited!!
It’s money I don’t have, but it’s also hope for the future
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For all of us with families of origin who cannot and will not understand our internal world and experiences
I see you❤️
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35
Finished!
For my cousin’s first baby, due in October
Measures 33” x 49”
Started July 5th, and took 25 hours of work, on and off
I hope they like it!❤️
(I don’t think it has my usual ‘wow’ factor 😕)
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Just got some of the best news ever!
I might be a candidate for a hearing aid!
After 30 years of hearing loss & problematic post-surgical ear biome preventing use of an aid, they now make one that doesn’t occlude airflow in the ear canal
I am so excited!!
Fingers crossed!
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Anxiety is through the roof, now that I’m home alone
The grief, the anger
#suicideloss
is a huge ache
Focusing on carving my jack-o-lantern, feeling numb with the knife digging into my skin
Pushing through, living and grateful for life, because that’s how I honour the dead
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My good friend’s three month old baby is in critical condition, and possibly not going to make it.
Thoughts and prayers for little Emily, and her mother Sandra, please
💔
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Here’s a feel-good, happy tears kind of story out of ranching country in BC
These men saved a herd of horses caught in the flood
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My son needed me today
Tearful, anxious, uncertain of his next steps in life
I dropped everything to go see him
Offered cuddles, pizza, said that it’s okay to cry
He admitted he’s thinking about therapy & is okay with me helping him find it
Blessed he finds safety in me
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1
35
Despite the blazing inferno of my apartment, and my migraine, I finished this quilted heart!!
Going to add the background, then border, and finish up for my cousin’s baby
But tell me, why do I only quilt in summer! 🥵
#quilting
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@XmasLight4Chaz
How could I forget this little gem? Chester’s voice is so soft, angelic, and full of compassion. ❤️ LP for their humanitarian work
Not Alone (Official Video) - Linkin Park
#MakeChesterProud
#CelebrateLife
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36
Just had a super intense session w/the new therapist.
I spoke of a haunting memory never revealed
I was scared shitless, felt ill, my inner child wanted to throw herself into traffic
But now I feel seen, validated, hopeful
Healing sucks, it hurts, but goddamn it’s worth it!
#CSA
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Today was a good day
A long day spent at the beach, painting, swimming, chatting with the locals
It feels good to be here, especially in the ocean
And we caught an awesome sunset too!
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You know the feeling, when you wish you could be that bright spark in somebody’s life, but it doesn’t happen?
It doesn’t make us less as a person, it just means they’re not ready for you, or your spark is meant for someone else.
Don’t lose hope
Never snuff out your light
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4
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Pulling the curtains shut for an afternoon nap, and a wave of anxiety and hammering heart hits me
WTF is this?
Emotional flashback it seems
Why, brain, why?
I’m safe, alone at home
I don’t understand
#CPTSD
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So relatable
I definitely need details when engaging in something new, and going somewhere new
I particularly need to know I’ll have access to food
Damned food insecurity trauma, and migraines
6
4
34
Last day in Aus, waiting for the flight, which we just found out is delayed 5 hours
Sitting in gratitude for the quiet day we enjoyed
I finished packing, then painted in the park with my niece
I’m going to miss my brother & his family❤️
Turned into a lovely trip after all
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@JPBrown5
When I took my friend’s advice and went to the crisis clinic. From there I was referred to a counsellor at the suicide prevention clinic. And so almost a year later, I’m well on my way to healing decades-old wounds, and loving myself, warts and all.
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