Me: “Have you heard of Murphy’s law?” . Wife: “Yeah” . Me: “What is it?” . Wife: “If something can go wrong, it will go wrong” . Me: “Have you heard of Cole’s law?” . Wife: “No, what is it?”. Me: “Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo”.

I'm taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

Join millions who have switched to Grok.

Someone told me my clothes were gay. I said: "Yeah they came out of the closet this morning".

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

I thought I saw Michael J Fox at my local florist. I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias.

Found out my wife is cheating on me today. When I asked when she'd be home she said, "10-15 minutes max.". My name is Steve.

Those who like my jokes are smarter, happier and better looking than those who don't. According to a study I made up anyway.

Me: "I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise". Personal Trainer: “This was the tour of the gym".

If you're lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

I saw two huge black birds in my garden this morning and they were stuck together. Turns out they were Velcrows.

I just got picked for a role in a porn film. I was cast as the husband going to work!.

What happens when a microscope crashes into a telescope?. They kaleidoscope.

I noticed that my ironing board cover was wrinkled and laughed at the irony. Then I laughed because of the word "irony".

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym. I got blown into the wine store.

Somebody asked me what to do with leftover bacon. I'd never heard of such a thing.