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derek Profile
derek

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Followers
75K
Following
34K
Media
126
Statuses
598

https://t.co/qikGJHlivD

youtu.be/pTSw2grmnaA
Joined April 2013
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derek
1 year
Please listen to my discussion with John F. Kennedy, his first interview in over sixty years. Thank you.
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derek
3 days
Today is my birthday, time to enjoy my summer bbq playlist.
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derek
8 days
I found an old man struggling in a bathroom stall. No toilet paper. “Here,” I said. “Use my hand”. I smiled warmly against his shocked expression. “Today you, tomorrow me”.
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derek
11 days
Forgot the word neurodivergent and called myself a "mental minority" at my probation hearing.
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derek
13 days
AOC used to follow me in 2017 on her old account TurtlePal. Her gimmick was posting turtle pics and saying she wanted to wanted to live in a shell. While it's nice she "came out of her shell" and became a celebrity, I'm a little hurt she hasn't reached out in years.
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derek
13 days
In the first ep of The Office reboot, Dwight becomes addicted to gooning and posts an incel manifesto before using a 3D printed gun to kill a mukbang streamer. The second episode is about pam.
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derek
14 days
"Stop, please!"."Quiet slut, your screams only make me fuck harder."."Ahh!". Typical exchange from a heated roleplay sesh for these lovebirds. Not to worry, they have a safeword. Something that makes them laugh. The name of a ridiculed coworker.
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derek
15 days
Jim, an office worker, introduced his work wife to the concept of "Consensual Non-Consent".
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derek
17 days
something like this but not submitting because i don't support electoral politics
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derek
20 days
I wish my diverse friend group would stop burning me with cigarettes and knocking me out of my wheelchair.
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derek
21 days
I Wish I Could Kill YouFor Saying This
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derek
21 days
Forrest Gump Jr. accomplished very little during his life, despite not inheriting his father’s mental challenges. It’s no wonder he became a pill head.
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derek
21 days
Saw a guy get executed on the subway and nearly dropped my chopped cheese sandwich.
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derek
22 days
After Forrest Gump’s death various women came forward to report his violent behavior. It’s understandable they kept quiet until now. He was an erratic man elevated to sainthood by a public happy to overlook his crimes.
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derek
22 days
Going to jail for inventing "Super Crack". Basically just two servings of regular crack with some added cinnamon.
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derek
22 days
Sick of the multiverse so I have created a new idea called the monoverse.
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derek
29 days
Sabrina Carpenter has been sealed in a crate and dropped into the ocean.
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derek
29 days
Forrest Gump’s story is deeply American. We believed, possibly due to his low intelligence and positive attitude, that he was a good man. Yet we now know he assaulted various women.
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derek
30 days
Brian Wilson's camp has released a statement:
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derek
30 days
Mike Love killed in a drive-by shooting in Las Vegas. Details forthcoming.
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derek
1 month
Cum Theory: The delusion that "cum" entering a woman somehow creates life.
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