I have nothing but respect for mfs that work retail. I was behind this lady at the grocery store who got a few fruits including a watermelon. She saw that the watermelon was 3 dollars and freaked out saying it was 1.99 and made the cashier double check and everything. Then she.

When I was in first grade during the height of Pokemon, I didn't have any cool cards to trade this one kid for a holo Moltres. So I had to improvise. I found something else to trade. I found a stash of my older brother's porno mags, put them in my bookbag and went to school and.

I got my first gf by helping her with her homework in high school where I helped her pass. She broke things off when I told her it felt like she only cared about passing and not me. 😭.

RT @violetstorm_: @strongwaifu I remember going to a DMV to get my license and people said that particular DMV doesn't test for parallel pa….

RT @violetstorm_: @catshealdeprsn I used to have two outside cats that used to hear my school bus stop in front of the house and run to see….

RT @iamcardib: Shut the fuck up.

I choked on a penny and nearly died. I fell off a dock into the water as a 5 year old and nearly drowned but my sister dove in to save me. I contracted Bacterial Meningitis at age 7 and was a couple hours from dying from it if I didn't get flown in by helicopter to hospital. I.

RT @berserksouls:

RT @itswords_:

If I get one more cryptocurrency bot in DMs I'm gonna crash out.

Yeah heartbreak sucks but have you ever wiped your ass and had toilet paper get stuck between your cheeks.

Being an adult is being at your job, craving playing a video game all day and can't wait for it, then just coming home doing anything but playing it. What the fuck.

Anyone else just not give a flying fuck about anything in life anymore?.

When I go into work and everyone says good morning to me first thing:

What the fuck do you even do when a mf asks you what you did all weekend. How am I supposed to make it interesting. I just ordered Taco Bell for two days, played with my cats, and rot in my bed scrolling through Twitter or playing Pokemon Pocket. So exciting. Leave me alone. 😭.

I always love kissing my cats nose but then I remember they put their nose in their shit before burying their poop in the litterbox and now I don't want to kiss them on the nose anymore.

Thinking of that time I went inside a Chik Fil A. She asked me what I wanted and had a brain fart and said I wanted a spicy chocolate biscuit and everyone laughed at me and I immediately wanted to go out to my car and shoot myself.

Few sounds are as satisfying to me like the crunch of snow under your footsteps.

You ever put the cereal in the fridge and the milk on top of the fridge because you're just on autopilot the first thing when you wake up. Because das me rn.

Nobody gets more pussy than me