La Femme Fatali
@toomanycommas3
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28,407
Following
8,335
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7,174
Statuses
153,095
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
A safe word, but for like "whoa dude, I'm not quite as flexible as I was 20 years ago".
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My mom knows what I worry about most and has a sense of humor.
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Websites that reset all the fields when you get your password wrong instead of just clearing the password field, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU
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It's so weird to go to bed at 10pm & wake up well rested at 6:30am. Like I don't know what to do with myself now. Do I just shower & start my day? Is that what real adults do?
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@roastmalone_
This is amazing advice. I'm volunteering at the Food Bank next week and I'll try to do a similar post after observing the warehouse again. It's been years. I knew about the teens but I wouldn't have thought 0-2 was lacking. Wow. Good stuff.
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The most middle aged mom thing I do is appreciate a good fast food napkin. I love a boost to my car napkin collection.
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DMs from Nigeria: Hey nice bobs show me ur vagene?
DMs from the US: Hey gurl wanna see a fat cock?
DMs from Canada: I'm terribly sorry if I'm overstepping, but I just wanted to let you know that a bit of your bra strap is showing in your Avi. Here's a pic of me with coffee.
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@ask_aubry
He's unsure if he's bordering on psychological abuse? Isn't that exactly what the goal was? This dude is a sociopath.
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There is no work benefit better than having a boss that genuinely understands work-life balance.
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Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don't tell my husband.
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@arlenparsa
It's such a simple thing. The line on my profile says "I have kids but you won't meet them."
Plus he ASKED for advice and then got mad when she gave it. Can't imagine who would divorce this gem. 🙄
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Someone said to post more selfies so here's as real as it gets.
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I am almost 43 years old and I just earned my associates' degree. I did not attend graduation because this is not my goal, but I did this shit by myself and I'm going to take a minute to be fucking proud of that.
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@kittynouveau
There ain't a Target in America where the vitamins are on the same aisle as family planning. Misty was buying condoms because her husband won't get the snip and she got embarrassed.
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Depression is either "I can't eat more than three bites of anything" or "I've just had 17 cans of Pepsi and a family size bag of ruffles with French onion dip for lunch."
There's no in between.
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Your 40s are wild, because you're feeling youthful and sexual and wild at heart but your body is like "bitch not so fast"
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Why are they called Fleshlights and not Jack Off Lanterns?
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I might be a Twitter 7 and a 4.5 in real life, but I'm a goddamn 11 in this Eastern NC Walmart.
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If you only know Robert Downey Jr as Iron Man and not "that actor from the 80's that almost lost everything to addiction" then you are too young to date me.
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People that keep their Christmas lights on well past Jan 1, keep that shit up. Some of us had a lot going on at the holidays and we didn't get to fully appreciate that little piece of the joy. Now I smile when I'm driving home and someone still has lights up. Thank you.
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We get it, you look hot in a bikini, but some of us actually come to the pool to swim. And also look hot in a bikini.
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Today an asshole called me piggy, a whale, and asked if I had ever considered losing weight. Feel free to do your best roasts about my body, Twitter. I feel pretty fucking good in it as I jump in this pool with my kids, so he can fuuuuccckkkkk himself.
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@ask_aubry
I'd put money on this being one of those guys that fucks the crease of his girlfriend's thigh for 67 seconds and then asks if she came yet.
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If you didn't play Oregon Trail on a floppy disk and the Sims on a CD-ROM, you are too young to date me.
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@ask_aubry
The assumption that they think we're leaving marriages to find a better man continues to bring me much amusement. We're leaving because we're tired of having an extra child in the house that we need to make checklists & instructional videos for, and we're CHOOSING to be alone.
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She's a 4 but she makes lasagna from scratch, doesn't care about how much money you make, and will send you songs when she's thinking about you.
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Just once, I'd like for a guy to get turned on by my knife skills instead of terrified.
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How sweaty did I get on a 4mi underground hike? This was my hair, 7 hours later.
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When anyone asks me about my plans, it becomes very clear that all my plans revolve around food.
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@TheLadySindy
@ShaneMcCaffrey6
@eliistender10
Exact same. Exact. Women don't hate each other as much as shallow men think we do.
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@ask_aubry
"I don't think it's losing HER that makes me sad but losing like this."
There it is in a nutshell. He never saw her as a partner but as his property.
I applaud her and love that she had the means and security to leave this way. Massive W.
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Do these pants make my ass look fat enough for you?
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Stop tweeting about men not finding the clit and start tweeting about men not knowing what to do with it.
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@AlmondTiddies
I line it with plastic & keep the blood of my enemies in there. Occasionally I bathe in it to stay young. Like a blood hot tub, but with the plastic liner so it's easy to clean out for the next victim, kinda like those crock-pot bags. Us white women love a damn crock-pot, too.
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I haven't felt pretty in a long time (for me, so like 3 weeks) but I caught my face in the mirror after washing it today and thought, you're aging but not invisible yet. So I guess I'll make y'all look at it now.
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I lowered the minimum age on my Bumble profile & that was a huge mistake. No, Jared, I do not want you to come over and "blow my back out." I want to make a fine risotto, drink expensive Sauvignon Blanc, and have slow, intimate sex like an adult woman.
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No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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Other women: I'm into cut guys
Me: if you mean they've had a vasectomy, then yeah me too
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Everyone thinks the hot girls end up marrying the guys they wouldn't touch in high school because they get rich, but actually nerds are just better at eating pussy.
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Good morning to everyone except my 4yo, who woke me up by poking me and saying, "you have fat boobies."
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Twitter seems to be broken so come back to bed with me
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@ItsSamG
My fave was the Black Man who went into a whole diatribe about how he only dates white women now bc we're "easier" and women of color are "too demanding & expect too much."
Right to my face, like that was supposed to make me want to see him again.
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the audacity of people expecting me to be up & functioning at 6:30am during this horrific time period known as Monday
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When you fantasize about me, I hope I'm in jorts & a sports bra, standing in front of the open fridge, chugging orange juice straight from the carton.
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I got new glasses and feel the need to show them off plus I find people in glasses undeniably sexy so also show me yours.
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I went to Thanksgiving and came home with 4 boys. I'm watching them play hockey on the tennis courts and then we'll turn my living room into a theatre where they each have a recliner. This is my cool single aunt origin story.
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I really underestimated how much 42yo me would enjoy putting pics of my butt on the internet.
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Throw back Sunday...
I'm going through a box of old pictures and keepsakes and found this. It's amazing how women in their 20's have trouble recognizing their own hotness. I look at this picture now and can't believe I was this person.
So show me a blast from your past:
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My 6yo has informed me that he wants his present from me to be a walk through a haunted cemetery at night and I just needed to share that with people.
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My massage therapist: what areas do you want me to focus on today?
Me: My neck, my back...
*intense eye contact*
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a reminder to men that I exist and am also incredibly difficult
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I'm 43 years old and still haven't learned to not wear a white top whilst cooking a tomato-based sauce.
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Listen fellas, if your woman says she doesn't want gifts, don't buy her gifts. That shit's on her for lying.
Follow this fresh divorcée for more marriage advice.
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If I know anything, it's that men's thighs are so gross, it is impossible for them to be attractive. There's nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, that will ever convince me otherwise. Don't even think about trying to convince me.
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All of my sex is protected because I wash my hands first.
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Friend: let's not ignore the elephant in the room.
Me, looking up from my plate of desserts: fuckin rude, Heather.
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Got a haircut today, which is an excuse to post this absolutely unedited, not even color corrected, uncropped, cried off my day old mascara, just washed this damn mirror yesterday, still cute as hell selfie.
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I'm not a hot chick in real life, you guys. I just play one on Twitter.
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PSA: women can totally be happy and sad at the same time.
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if you aren't crying at work is it even capitalism?
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With *all due respect, sir
*zero
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My 8yo blew me a kiss and yelled "pet a dog today" as he ran to the bus so yes, my kids ARE my world and I wouldn't want it any other way.
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I can parallel park, drive a stick, and change my own headlight.
~me, either flirting or telling you why I don't need you
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I've spent most of my life thinking I'm a Dorothy with a little Blanche mixed in, only to discover at 40 that I'm actually a fucking Sophia.
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Imagine being white in America today and having some kind of fear that life is about to get slightly less comfortable for you, and not recognizing the irony in that.
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Fact: every woman automatically does kegels when she sees or hears the word kegels, so it's safe to say the women of Funny Twitter are packing some perfect vaginas.
And you're welcome.
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We need a Disney princess that burns it all to the ground.
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I can do anything a 28 year old can do...I just need to warm up for 6 hours or so first.
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Men texting when I let them down gently: YOU FAT CUNT I DIDN'T WANT YOU ANYWAY
Me texting when my date tonight ghosts me: Well, anyway, hope nothing bad happened. Good luck with everything!
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Him: girls in glasses are hot
Me: 🤓
Him: oh, no, I meant other girls
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What are men that won't date tall women afraid of, anyway?
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Why should you date older single moms? Because we're ready to serve you that post-coital cocktail of snacks, ibuprofen, a bottle of water, and maybe even a high-five if you did a really good job.
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Divorce is so hard.
But also, my Christmas Eve plans are basically to make myself a charcuterie board, pop some bubbly, and eat my entire dinner alone in a giant bathtub. So you tell me how much harder my life is now.
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I bought a 5" realistic dildo for myself for Christmas and all I'm saying is either the manufacturer or 75% of my past sexual partners are lying.
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It's important to let people see you at your worst sometimes. None of us are actually living an Instagram-packaged life. I am very much a middle aged single mom. And right now I'm both lonely and don't want anyone around. So I've given up on today and I'm going to bed.
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Haha this one I accidentally posted on the alt instead of here but now y'all get to see it too, I guess. My fave pics are always after washing my face. I don't care if you think I'm ugly, I'm not responding to you loser so save the comment for someone else and just mute me. ✌️
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I might seem unlucky in love, but I've never acted as desperate as Microsoft Edge just did when I used it to install Chrome.
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I don't know why men aren't banging down my door. At least 3 people I've been with have found their soulmate right after dating me.
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Men: looks don't matter, funny is hot
Me: *is funny*
Men: no I meant like, thinks I'M funny
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If you want to know how much pressure the majority of women feel on a daily basis, check out the current list of beauty standards: be fit, be curvy, be confident but be vulnerable, be strong but soft, be beautiful but don't use makeup or filters, don't be slutty but SEND NUDES.
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My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, "Alexa! Oh wait, that's not your name," and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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If we can have Taco Tuesday then we can damn sure have Spaghetti & Meatballs Thursday.
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It's not the sex that's hard to live without, it's the touch. Someone's fingertips making you feel safe & cared for, that's what I'm missing.
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@ask_aubry
I fail to see the mocking. I think she was actually being pretty damn mature about it.
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@csinnpa
@Kel_Kels_
But she doesn't in this clip....I'm sorry for whatever you've been through, but some people just sleepwalk and do funny shit; it's not exclusive to PTSD.
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There should be a job like: divorce doula. I'll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you're enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
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