Tonnie
@tonniie
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®️aconteur. Football - La Liga - Real Madrid. F1
Here & there
Joined June 2020
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Me to the Boyz before I prepare the beef stew.
"Kuna mtu hakulangi pilipili?"
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Lock down ingeekwa jana, Moh Salah angebaki Nairobi, ingebidi achezee Gor.
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Story Za Tonnie : AirBnb party gone wrong.
Airbnb is a service mostly for travelers looking for a space to stay, in Kenya though we use the service mostly to host private parties. Sometimes though, the parties might not go as planned, like in our case with my Boyz... Skiza story
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Nikipata Real Househelps of Kawangware from Season 1 naeza watch tena. Probably the greatest show from KE ever.
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Story Za Tonnie : Just Party! Lakini UsiPartykane!
House parties, the climax of campus life. In my time in Juja, I have attended a good number of these, but I have to say, they come with a fair share of drama, and sometimes I found myself right in the middle of it, Skiza Story.
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Countries ka Togo hunishtua sana. Hawatokei ata kwa news, whether ni politics, sports... Wtf happens in Togo?
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Story Za Tonnie : "Hello, Uko Wapi?"
I think it's common knowledge that when your friend calls you on a Friday asking, "uko wapi wewee?" then, some sh!t is about to go down! That's exactly how my boyz and I were tricked into a "sherehe" without even planning. Skiza story...
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Btw it's nice if a lady understands football, but too much knowledge of it is a bit mbadala. What do you mean "Everton are dangerous in set pieces"? Haha, hapana.
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Story Za Tonnie : Fatma The Phat ma'.
See, in every man's sexual fantasy is a list of the different types of women he'd wanna bone before he meets his maker. My n!gga Jay, he'd kill for a Canadian coochie, for me though, a Somalian babe tops my list.
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Nimeona one of my bodies huko IG akiwa na wine glass in a bathtub. From stoke city to PSG kama Choupo-Moting, haha.
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It's not just me, right? 😂😂
Little devil but still an angel at heart..my office couch turned studio💀
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Unapigisha Dem Sherehe Burudani Address Ukidhani Ata-undress, But Instead, Anakuacha Na One Chwani Na Stress.
A THREAD.
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 3 Ep 8 (Tenda Wema Pewa Tako 🍆🍑💦)
"Tenda Wema..." is a famous swahili saying, but let's be honest, it is also the hardest to execute😂. It's hard to find a person who does good without expecting something in return, well, I once did. Skiza Story....
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My boy Sammie wasn't very lucky, ilikua midnight na kitu ameshikilia tu ni tumbler, anazurura ile mtaa kama invigilator. Lakini kusema ukweli, yule mans pale hangeteka, unaulizaje msupa ati "naitwa Sammie, unaeza niSammie-thia?" mistari gani hio? 🤦♂️
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Ass yake ilikua imepop kama boil, then the shape, figure, from the waist down to the hips ako na curves kama freekick ya Beckham. Najua walisema dera bila tako ni kanzu lakini pia wangesema dress ikiwa na tako ni taabu.😍
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Kidogo, Bobbie akafika na wale maghels, I tell you cabrones, Ivy na mabeshte zake walikua hot kama mafuta ya mandazi, wote wanaboronga rusungu kama Brooklyn natives, hata kama mimi hujichocha, hapa nayo I had no chance, lakini...si hata karobangi sharks walinyuka Everton? 🤔
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 3 Ep 6( This Gender Can't Be Trusted ❌)
I think we can all agree that women are better cheaters than men, despite the fact that men cause more heartbreaks. It's only because what we lack in skill, we make up for with numbers,men cheat a lot,women cheat well😂
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Story Za Tonnie: COMBATO NI TRABO
I think when Mr. Right said "Mi msee m-humble but all time najipata kwa trouble", he might have been referring to me. I don't have a better way to introduce this story because, mostly I don't look for trouble, trouble finds me.
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Just noticed Bensoul's "Navutishwa" ft Bien is exactly 4:20 long, haha I'm sure it was intentional.
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 3 Ep 5
(Bibi Ya Wenyewe Is A No Go Zone❌🚫🍆🍑)
"Bibi ya wenyewe is a no go zone",You should take these lyrics from Sauti Sol's Extravaganza very seriously cabrones.Monkey business with another man's wife is very dangerous,I learned the hard way,Skiza Story..
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Story Za Tonnie: Just Hit, Don't Commit 🔞💦.
Oftentimes ladies say it's better to be straightforward about what you want from the start, is it a relationship that you want, or do you just want to smash? I agree, It's the right approach, but it hardly works, here's why..
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 4 Ep 1
(Where Love is Involved, don't get involved❌🍆🍑)
Have you ever seen a girl with some ninja and asked yourself, wtf does she see in him? There's only 2 answers to that, She either has been Dickmatized, or is genuinely in Love.The latter is real but rare
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Hii asubuhi yote first thing naona tl ni dwarf ako na kigongi inatoshana half his height akidinyana on a live show... Wtf did I just watch? Day ruined.
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Story Za Tonnie: Dream ya kutoka kwa Block.
Yaani kuget rich, kuomoka in-short, but the journey isn't always the smoothest. They say don't give up yet, your next move might be your breakthrough. So, could this be Vin's breakthrough? Skiza story...
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 2 Ep 9(Why I Stopped Dating 😂🍆🍑)
I have come to conclude that love is a scam,we're all in it for selfish reasons. Think about it, you are with someone because there's something they have that you like, from material things to looks, there's always something.
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 4 Ep 2 (Kamati Ya Roho Chafu😠🍆🍑)
"Kamati Ya Roho Chafu" is one of the terms that came up in 2020, it simply means people who don't like to see others prosper. I believe we have all come across such people, personally I have, it's so frustrating, Skiza Story.
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 3 Ep 9 ( Happy Badday🎂🍷😂🍆🍑💦)
As much as we all don't want to accept, the pressure to fit in is real in our campuses. The word "Kuomoka" has made the situation even worse. Some of us are pulling some outrageous stunts kutuonyesha wameomoka, Skiza Story..
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Story Za Tonnie : Thick Thighs take lives.
One time baby you're my motivation
Two time what a beautiful creation
Thick thighs save lives...I think I might have to disagree with Bien and Bensoul on this one. As far as I'm concerned, thick thighs almost took my life. Skiza Story..
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Alaaa... Cabron anaelekea bash iko na ghels from USIU na ananuka mutumba? To be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable, nilikua nataka ata kujichuja, lakini haidhuru, nikasema ata jusufu alikua mtumwa misri na mwisho akawa assistant wa Farao, iko nene! 😂
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That night though I wasn't in the mood, plus that girl was too fly for me, I didn't think even in her drunk state, she would want anything to do with me. Dem lightskin, amepigwa box braids, amedunga dress fupi kuliko maombi ya lunch, tena inashow half of her tirries, damn 😍.
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Story Za Tonnie : Pirates Of Jujamaica.
I know you know that Pwagu hupata Pwaguzi, but did you know that sometimes Pwagu na Pwaguzi wanaeza amua kupiga duo moja hatari kushinda Amos and Josh?
A THREAD.
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Hapo Eve ni kama walighula. Kibe will have a field day with that video. 😂😂😂
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Story Za Tonnie: When She Shoots Her Shot 🔞💦.
A woman will rarely make the first move even when she's obviously attracted to a particular man, this is because stereotypically it is the role of a man to initiate dates or sexual encounters...
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Olunga amerequest tujaze Kasarani on Tuesday, I don't see why we can't. I will be there.
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So they managed to get a 5 bedroom Airbnb along ngong road. On that Friday wakafika na birthday girl kucheck-in in the afternoon, bash ianze jioni. Mi niliwasukumia Mia saba nilikua nayo shingo upande, angalau niwe nimechangia, lakini nilibaki empty kama kanisa jumatatu.
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Story Za Tonnie : Diva From Tinder😍.
With the rise of social media, it was only a matter of time before online dating became a thing. Nowadays we even have Apps made specifically for online dating, Tinder is a classic example.
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I met two girls kwa gate on Saturday night, they requested to use my bathroom,... Hii itabidi imekua thread.
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Tonnie Wa Juja :THE MAKING OF A CABRON🔞
Episode 1(HAGA🍑VS HUNGER)
They say this is a small broke town
I just happen to have come from shagz
Pretty girls, big butts, I gotta get them this where it goes down
I just don't how this shit works
Sooner or later baby I gotta get them
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Nikiwa pale kitchen nikiandaa, nikaskia knock kwa mlango, it was my boy Sammie, Cabron amesota kama mimi lakini ni big boy, ni kama amekula mashida mpaka akanona. Anyway, it meant I'd have to share my meal, so ile kanyama nikaipiga pilipili saba, kama atakula itabidi apambane..
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I was tempted, lakini nikaambia abdala ajifunze kutulia, jamaa wa Sofapaka hawezi cheza mechi ya serie A😂. After a little while she said she was exhausted, she wanted to sit, but we only had one chair, she asked "is it okay if I sit on you, nimechoka"... Baaaaas.!
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Kufika kwake kidogo nijichukie, wueh🔥, kwa mlango nilipatana na mat ya white, safi kushinda socks zangu😭. Next zilikua zile sandles za manyoya, alafu kachiwawa kamedoz kwa couch🔥, huyo angefika bedsitter yangu angedhani ni store ya mafundi😭...
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 4 Ep 4 ( HELL IN A CELL 🚔👮👹😭)
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second, When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's Albert Einstein on relativity. There's no better way to introduce this Story, so Skiza Story..
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 2 Ep 6 (Normalize Using Tools 🍆🍑💦)
Utaskia Cabrons wakisema "dem ni kama swimming pool, don't worry about who has been swimming there, or who is swimming with you, or who will swim after you, just swim and leave", ati mali safi inede chain, dangerous M.O😨
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Jioni everyone was excited kama wakisii siku ya sabbath. Mimi pale bedsitter nikaoga na ndoo, shower za bedsitter hazifanyangi bana. Nikapiga luku na sweatpant moja gwan, tisho fulani bado ilikua na perfume ya mtumba, mguu nikapiga converse, na juu nikaekelea Jacko ya mkadinali.
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The accuracy. 😂😂😂
Mimi usiniaddress na bado unajikojolea kwa kitanda bro🫶🏼
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Once you start earning a good amount of money, the roles are reversed, your parents kinda become your kids, they have to ask for your opinion even in the tiniest family decisions.
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Kurudi pale living room, maninja na rusungu mingi, vichwa wamefunga durags, mikononi ni drugs, miguu wamepiga Jordans mbwakni, lakini mimi na converse zangu nilikua nakaa out of place kama vile unaeza pata mahindi moja ndani ya beans ukibuy pale kibandaski.
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Akaniuliza kama naeza buy drink nikunywe hapo kwake, I mean why not? Akanipiga thao mbili akanishow nimletee tu joints, alafu mimi nijipange. Nilitoka nikikanyaga kubwa kubwa, a little voice in my head singing, "twinkle twinkle little star, point me to the nearest bar "
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Nimeona video ya jamaa akiwa waxing na vile huyo dem anashika hiyo kigongi hapo siwezi survive. Labda nipitie mahali kwanza niempty the barrels ama nijipate nimempiga facial moja noma.
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Haraka upesi akafungua side moja, songesha kando, slide in, sauti alitoa ni kama amekalia ile rungu ilimalisa Ringtone. Once in a lifetime opportunity for a cabron, I wasn't going to burst one, at least not until after 10 mins, I had to hold it together, hio coochie sio kienyeji.
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Story Za Tonnie Sn 2 Ep 2("POLE POLE KIJANA YANGU " 🍆😂)
In my clique nikiwa 3rd year kuna fala fulani alikua anaitwa Voke.Huyo jamaa manze alikua anaishi maisha ya coolkids na jamaa ametoka huko kijijini Nyamira😂.Voke hangewai kula chapo beans kama sisi broke cabrons buana😂
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Story Za Tonnie Ep 1 (My First Sleepover Ever🍑🍆💦)
I was still in 1st year pale Juja boys(lakini siku hizi kuna madem buana😂), nlikua nimesuka huyo dem for like 5 months and I hadn't managed to go past her mammary glands😭. Finally the text I had been waiting for came...
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Around 2am in the night, mi niko tipsy, naskia mlango ya balcony inasukumwa. Nilikua nimeiblock na kiti so nikaitoa nichungulie, it was Ivy and two of her friends. "Hey, you're here, my friend needs some fresh air, anafeel vibaya" Huyo dem alikua maji kama lorry ya clean water.
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Mbogi ya JUJA dandia Supermetro twende, kila mtu hapo kwa comments apigwe follow, lesssgo. 🔥
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Somebody drew me, thank you for this piece👌. Imebaki nichorwe kwa Supermetro sasa😂. Check out _j.art.gallery on Instagram.
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Kufungua mlango, mans alipatana na 3 quickfire slaps akajikunja kama polythene juu ya moto. "Kila mutu kaa chini!" haraka upesi kama obidient citizens tukaketi. Turns out the only people in higher places that Mike knew was us, the high cabrones in the room.
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Pale Cabron alikua anacheza mbali kama Covid patient juu rejection ilikua inakaa sure kama arsenal kukosa champions League spot. Nikaamua kuwasha moja nisiteveve, kidogo dem akaniuliza "can you pass it"nikaipass haraka upesi. Maybe we could get along after all🤔.
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Haha, mmeona huyo mans anadishi dem ka amembeba alafu vile inaslip out anaita boyz mwingine akuje airudishe ndani, wtf is that? 😂😂😂
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Never felt so proud to be Kenyan. This man, Eliud Kipchoge, goosebumps!
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Wakiwa kwenye excitement, mimi nikafika kitchen, nikachukua bowl fulani, ndani nikajaza masmokie, samosa, the chocolates, nikachukua mzinga ya Gilbeys na krest litre mbili, na nikachomoka kwa ile balcony ilikua na kiti. Sherehe yangu private vipolite, nikijifikirianga...
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Ndio ujue United fans can be stupid, jana Dess amenipigia 3 AM, kuamka nikapata missed call, nikadhani ata boyz maybe amelala ndani, kumcall back fala aniniambia ati alitaka kunishow yeye ni FA Cup champion.
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Gengetone era was underrated. Madem wa Kenya hajawahi twerk like that ever since.
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There's this time in Juja I was in a very bad path, sikua nafikiria, bora niko high na nimeshiba. Then I went home and saw how highly my mum thinks of me, I had to switch up.
I'm never going back.
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Nimeingia hizi streets juzi na mbogi ishaanza kupanic😂, We can split this plate, relax Cabron😂.
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Naona watu wa Instagram wameleta fire emojis kwa comment section. 😒
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So ninja mmoja akaomba mathake moti, hio ndio ilikua ya kusafirisha maninja, two trips, tulikua wengi bana. Kufika pale, keja ilikua noma ajab, living room ni kama combo bedsitter tano, mbele ni 55" Hisense curved smart TV, Cabron akachanginyikiwa kama mkisii kwa nganya ya Umo!
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Dem akadai kuingiza abdala🍆 kwa sim 2, hiyo nayo nikakataa, nikamshow hapo ndio mi hudraw the line😂, ata kama abdala alikua na jacket, singekubali aingizwe hio mtaa buana😂.Ata kama dem alikua mali safi, mkunyata ni mkunyata, sewage ata kama ni ya runda bado ni sewage🚮, alaa😂
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More ghels were arriving, maninja nao walikua wanachangamka kuwachukua ni kama Lori ya Unga ya sembe ikianguka kakamega. I calculated my chances, to be honest I didn't have any, but mama didn't raise no loser, I gotta win, one way or the other.
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When the sports bra came off, hapo ndo nilijua bassss! Hii train imekatika breki, hakuna vile inasimama. Mimi sio Naibu wa rais, but nilikua ready kueka her bottoms up. Nikachomoa tools, ready to cloak the joker before I poke her. walisema, hagawi hagawi mwishowe hugawa!,
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So nikawafungulia, they stayed with her for a few minutes, lakini bash vile ilikua imeshika they didn't want to miss out, so wakanishow " can you watch her please?" of course I could watch her 😊. Wakatoka wakaniacha na mtu amejimarinate mwenyewe!
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Vile nilikua nimesota hio day, alikua amecome through mbaya. Like Tanasha she was my donor, yaani ata ningemuita Sepetu vile alikua amenitendea Wema. Elfu mbili nikachukua Gilbeys na chaser, alafu yeye nikamchukulia joints kama saba hivi.
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Jamaa by dakika ya 30 alikua amenifunga bao tatu😩, akaanza kunipiga banter vile alikua amezoea😂. Mimi nilikua na comeback lakini nilikua nangoja the perfect time😂. Kabla halftime jamaa akaniseti bao ya nne, nikasema "wooi, POLE POLE KIJANA YANGU" 😂Mbogi ilikua inaokotwa 😂..
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Baada ya round 1,dem akanipeleka bafu, like I said, mature ghels are the best 😂.Baada ya kusuguana we was ready for round 2, kumbe round 1 alikua anacheza chini.Dem alikua ananisetia mastyle sijaiona😂,sijawaizama hivo. Kindu ni tight, angle iko fiti, view ✔, I was born again..
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Cabron ukiambiwa "I need a break" that's it, Your contract has been terminated. 😂.
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I'll admit that I was I was wrong. Riggy G was a good pick for DP. Ananisurprise daily. 😂😂
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