Airports are a perfect metaphor for life in that there's nothing to do besides sit still or spend money and I don't want to be here.

Damn my tweets rocks

The first joke I can remember getting in trouble for is: age 3, running through the dining room with my dick in my hand saying "Gotta go pee gotta go pee"

Nextdoor is funnier than Twitter dot com

Twitter can eat my nuts this app suvks

I'm going to vomit shit and then die and then eat an egg stop me fucking try

Everyone on Nextdoor is a cop

Fuck toenails I hate em

Me on Nextdoor: advice - neighbor gives me dirty looks when I piss off my back porch, how do I tell him to mind his business

Look at deez nuts Isn't they neat Wouldn't you think my collections complete

Ok Google history of private/residential lawns and gardens

Wouldn't the fact that he's so good at firing people imply that he's terrible at hiring people

The opportunity to scream John cena sucks till you lose your voice at a live wwe show is a fundamental human right

Just over here bawling my fucking eyes out watching this new queer eye Sup with you

My dog keeps eating my pamts

The Annie's box says the butter is optional THAT IS A FUCKING LIE

He also offered to let me borrow his leaf blower once.

I can feel my neighbor's truck stereo from a block away, so he's fucking rad.

I'm watching an episode of house hunters where a 24 year old bro is selling a 5 bedroom to two 24 year old bros. I have to change my shirt because it has bbq sauce on it before I go work at the pizza place for 10 hours.

*Pointing to a Dog Food tin from Marshall's with Food crossed out and Dead scrawled above Dog* That's my dead dog.

I'm just watching the first episode of The Four IS THIS THE FIRST WORKED SINGING COMPETITION SHOW?