Dave Tickner
@tickerscricket
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#บางกอกคณิกาMeetAndซี้ด
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Genuinely love how you can take a bloke who is better at hitting a ball with a tennis racket than anyone else in human history but ask him to do it with a cricket bat and he looks shitter than me.
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The week in Spurs:
Thursday: Bantered off by paint dog
Friday: Piss away another lead
Sunday: Join rebel breakaway Super League
Monday: Sack manager
Tuesday: Leave rebel breakaway Super League
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Can't stop thinking about this, about how brilliant it is, and about how wonderfully well it's worked. An absolutely top-drawer piece of alpha shithousery and every media outlet responding with "Classy touch 👏 👏 👏"
The way the Indian side have conducted themselves throughout this series has been exemplary 👏
Ajinkya Rahane presented Nathan Lyon a signed shirt to celebrate 'Garry' reaching 100 Test's 🐐
Class.
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Really starting to think England made an error by teaching Jaiswal to bat.
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"Do you think that's out?" from Broad after that dropped caught and bowled. This is utterly GLORIOUS.
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Turning point? I'll give you a turning point.
South Africa before Jos Buttler called Vernon Philander a fucking knobhead: 237/7 in 126.3 overs
South Africa after Jos Buttler called Vernon Philander a fucking knobhead: 11/3 in 11.1 overs
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This does look quite bad, but at least he wasn't wearing a black armband.
The vision everyone's been waiting for.
This is the series of events that's led to Tom Curran's four-game suspension...
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Think we can all agree the clear highlight of all that was Jonathan Pearce describing this penalty as "blasts it almost straight down the middle."
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Last one of these and then bed. By February 6, Joe Root had already scored over 100 more Test runs than any other England player would manage in the whole of 2021.
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"No political statements," insists sport that just played its showpiece match at the Narendra Modi Stadium.
Usman Khawaja will push to wear Palestine solidarity shoes on Boxing Day, saying “The ICC have told me I can’t wear my shoes because they believe its a political statement. I respect their decision, but I will fight it and seek to gain approval."
#AUSvPAK
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A number eight scoring a hundred on a pitch England fans and pundits have spent three days pissing and moaning about is objectively hilarious. Well done to all involved.
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Very much enjoyed those 10 minutes where we all convinced ourselves 250 was a competitive score.
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Said it before but the fact Shane Warne never got to see this England team is just increasingly heartbreaking.
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Where were these twats on the fifth evening at Edgbaston ffs
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Angelo Mathews should be dismissed without facing in every game for being a grown adult man with 69 on his back.
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Smith and Labuschagne, the two most horrible batters to watch in the entire world, both plumb and both given not out.
DRS is so important.
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Watching that dismissal back, and I'm no expert but I think Young has a technical flaw to work on here.
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Dropping bowlers because the batting has been shit. Love this entirely new and fresh England approach.
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Surely not even the greatest cricket scriptwriters could’ve concocted a plot where such an unlikely hero spearheads one of the most miraculous victories in Test history. More for
@FoxCricket
.
#BANvWI
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Real Madrid have a better cricket kit than the England Test team.
Ferland Mendy looks like he’s about to take 3/78 against Durham not play La Liga football 🤣🤣🤣
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Eoin Morgan is not a great commentator, but he is at least attempting to commentate on the match happening in front of him.
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Mad that Tom Hartley just did that, in India, on debut, after a first-innings mauling, but because he did it with 10 working toes it's only the second best seven-fer of the day.
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"Weak as piss."
Better than winning the Ashes and I'm not even joking. Utter humiliation for the entire nation of Australia, this.
Imagine deciding to have a pop at those two specifically and having no plan beyond "soil myself pitifully" for when they inevitably respond.
The Sydney Test has been marred by crowd abuse for the second year in a row, with England stars Ben Stokes and Jonny Bairstow reacting angrily after being sledged on Friday. Read the full story:
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When was the greatest era in cricket?
I think it was when we had players like:
Warne, Lee, Pigeon, Ponting, Hayden, Wasim, Waqar, Saeed Anwar, Aamir Sohail, Mushy, Sachin, Ganguly, Dravid, Srinath, Ranatunga, De Silva, Murali, Mahela, Kumar, Vaas, Fleming, Bond, Vettori, Astle,
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Literally every time Australia are in trouble this series England just gift them a route back in. Genuinely extraordinary.
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England: lol getting bowled out for 58 will be easily the most embarrassing thing any cricket team does this week.
Australia: Hold my sandpaper. In your pants.
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Never judge a pitch until both teams have collapsed on it.
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The joke's on West Indies really, because there's no way a 33-year-old Kemar Roach is making it to the next Ashes tour.
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Don't really understand how this is only Ravindra Jadeja's sixth Test 50 against England when in my head he definitely gets one literally every single time he bats against them?
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These lads bloody love 100-ball cricket. But what else are they into? THREAD.
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Smith presumably just assumed Bairstow hadn't caught it?
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Just utter, utter, *utter* bollocks. Picking a Test side now with an eye on a series *four years away* isn't sensible forward planning, it's fucking madness.
Joe Root will be 35 in four years' time - not many England batters still going at that age. Best drop him now as well.
🗣️ "If England want to go to Australia in four years time with a side that is capable of winning, they've got to start making decisions now"
Former England cricketer and selector, Angus Fraser, talks to Sky Sports about the team changes ahead of the West Indies test 🏏
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If the Met Office says it's raining and AccuWeather says it's dry until lunch it's not your job to quote them both. Your job is to look out the fucking window to see if Joel Wilson is wearing sunglasses.
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India.
What is the biggest reason the tour of India went wrong for England? 🤔
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Easily the worst part about loving cricket so much are the near constant reminders that a lot of the very worst humans on earth also like it.
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Never seen a Test match before where absolutely everybody is rattled. Turns out it's great.
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If "saving Test cricket" involves any amount of "deliriously happy Australians" then is it worth it? Answer, sadly, must be no.
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"I reckon the technology's fucked" is absolutely brilliant from Broad after replays show Smith missing the ball by miles.
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Swann for Butcher is a far, far, far worse change than picking all the seamers.
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Imagine winning one of the all-time great Test matches and still spending the next two days crying about Ollie Robinson being mean.
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With all the talk around Joe Root's captaincy and a lack of alternatives in the current setup, I do wonder if England will look at India's success and consider that a specialist captain who might not necessarily contribute much with the bat can still be a good option.
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I see no reason why Isa Guha can't commentate for the whole day.
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Literally all of them.
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However upset any England fan might be about that first ball, it's some consolation to know that Shane Warne is hurting far, far more.
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"What's the one thing we've got lots and lots of?"
"Wicketkeepers."
"And what have you run out of?"
"Wicketkeepers."
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Kohli went from 9000 to 10000 ODI runs in 11 innings, the fucking maniac.
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Say what you like about whinging bloody Poms, but at least we usually have the common decency to wait until after we've collapsed embarrassingly on an Indian pitch before complaining that it's doctored.
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And the fact Carey throws it before Bairstow has even left his crease shows just how clever it was. He'd already clocked that Bairstow was habitually wandering off and waited for the moment to strike.
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I like how England's white-ball reset was "completely revolutionise our entire approach and attitude to the format" and the red-ball reset was "pretty much just the same old shit but without two of the six leading wicket-takers of all time".
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Tests should be six days, something I have always passionately and firmly believed since Saturday.
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If you think this is annoying just wait until England chip it repeatedly in the air to give him 5-47 with the ball.
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One thing preparing an impossible spinning disgrace of a pitch, but quite another to only make England bat on it while India get to use this absolute road. A step too far imvho.
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Just one of the all-timers. God bless Stokes' ongoing determination to give it new life on a fortnightly basis.
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Giving dirt cheap wickets to Lyon is definitely the worst thing about Bazball.
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Harsha, who has spent this entire commentary stint in abject misery, pointedly noting you can tell the match situation from Haydos' voice is very, very funny.
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Rohit made 91/1 off 20.1 overs. Need pitches that give the bowlers more assistance.
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"You appealing for that?"
Delighted to report Broad hasn't calmed down during the lunch break.
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It was actually some former Australian players and the T-shirts said JUST STOP OLLIE
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Clever from Stokes. Don't want to tip the Aussies off before unleashing mankadgeddon at Headingley.
Ben Stokes says he would have thought about the spirit of the game had he been in Pat Cummins position when Jonny Bairstow was dismissed....
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Lads, I'm starting to think Yorkshire might have fucked this.
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There really is no atmosphere in sport quite like a packed Indian cricket stadium.
Regulation stop at cover - limbs.
Slog-sweep six - silence.
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Australia using all 10 of their wickets instead of just eight for no real reason? Cowards.
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Australia have to decide whether they actually want to play Test cricket anymore. Because it feels like they’re wasting everyone’s time. Including their own time.
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"This is courage at its absolute best."
It's a single to long-on, you enormous loon.
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Pretty extraordinary that cricket has managed to come up with the funniest possible outcome to the last two men's 50-over World Cups being wins for England and Australia.
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Genuinely no idea how Pope ever survives the first 10 balls of an innings.
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Joe Root in 2021: 1708 runs @ 61
James Anderson in 2021: 39 wickets @ 21
England in 2021: P15 W4 D2 L9
Genuinely incredible effort from everyone else involved.
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Reckon Ollie Robinson is no more than 48 hours from really stirring things up by calling Bluey shit.
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No idea who the next captain should be, really, other than they must not be Ben Stokes and their first act must be to go cap in hand to James Anderson. Mainly, just astonishing that England are always planning for the future yet when it arrives have literally zero viable options.
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There are many good banter stats that sum up this very silly, almost-good-but-actually-just-shit England team.
My favourite is that this summer they have won every Test in which they've been bowled out for under 100 and none of the ones where they haven't.
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'England's record-breaker Harry Brook must bat at No 3 for the Ashes'
✍️
@scyldberry
#TelegraphCricket
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Absolutely taking the piss to have three spinners this good and all of them capable of batting in the top eight.
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Important point, this, given that as Head was steering Australia to victory the TV coverage was descending into an hour-long lament about the conditions being in Australia's favour. They made it sound like a straightforward win toss, win game but was it balls.
The guts to bowl first, with the risk it presented his captaincy/legacy if it backfired… Pat Cummins is a great leader.
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Bit worried about Brook, who has carelessly allowed his Test strike-rate (93) to dip below his Test average (95). Not very Bazball.
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Absolute cowards if Graham Gooch isn't in it.
Over on the
@BBCSport
website, we're asking you for your body parts XI (keep it clean!) 😬
We've got a Mr Hand and a Mr Tongue involved in this one, send us your suggestions using
#bbccricket
#ENGvIRE
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Shitstorm dismissal, Broad sledging everyone, Stokes smoking it. Please don't stop for lunch.
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Very good banter if the BIGGEST WORLD CUP UPSET EVER isn't the biggest upset of the week.
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Utterly galling to have to sit back and take "whingeing hypocrites!" chuckles from a country that not 24 hours earlier was enraged about how these days you can't even catch the ball by dragging it along the ground, but we've only ourselves to blame.
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Warner walking before that ball even got to Bairstow. Bold.
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Two genuinely extraordinary wins and piss-weak moral victory banter in the mud. A day so good it simply has to be fattening.
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Hasn't dismissed Kohli even once in Tests. An absolute fraud.
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Not me awake at 4.30 in the morning to point out Anderson's Test bowling average in India is 29 and Zaheer Khan's is 36.
The India star reasoned his verdict by point out that James Anderson plays in England where bowling conditions are different to that in India
#ZaheerKhan
#JamesAnderson
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I left it earlier in a doomed attempt at being a grown-up, but fuck it. Stuart Broad not being on this list is literally the single most disgraceful thing the ICC has ever done.
🏅 The ICC have named a seven-man shortlist for their Test Player of the Decade award - who do you think should win it? 🤔
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"To all those fools who judged me on three innings, here is a stat based on four."
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This has all been incredible, but Mikey absolutely demolishing the All Lives Matter bullshit really was something else.
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There was no way the GOAT comedy cricketer was ever going to just let this one through to the keeper.
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We all need to brace ourselves for the fact there's going to be four hours where it doesn't rain, an hour of which will be given over to lunch and tea, there will also be seven pitch inspections and finally a start time, I don't know, 150 seconds before it pisses it down again.
Putting my neck on the line here: it's going to stop raining in the next 15-20 minutes.
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The levels of masochism required for any England fan to have any desire to watch the 157 all out that's about to go down is genuinely beyond my comprehension.
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Jos Buttler would be such a fantastic number six if England had a good top five.
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Incredible from Pope, didn't think he had it in him.
Now the real challenge: resisting the temptation to think anything along the lines of "If they can just get this to 200..."
That way madness lies.
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"A bit strange - a baby with a beard on, innit?" would be the maddest quote of any sane series.
Two Tests into this one and it's not even in the top, I don't know, 150 quotes.
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Remember when the big problem with England's Test match batting was that Ian Bell only scored hundreds when somebody else did?
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