Alien: Earth, the latest entry in the Alien franchise, is now streaming. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the sci-fi series. Q: Where is it streaming? A: Looks like the guy sitting...

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the rapidly shifting nature of the country’s demographics, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that only 60% of Americans believe in Snoopy. “Our data...

DENVER—In an effort to make sure the young leukemia patient’s night at Coors Field was a special one, Colorado Rockies pitcher Kyle Freeland pledged Saturday to give up a home run for a sick child,...

IOWA CITY, IA—Shedding light on the age-old mystery surrounding the monolithic statues, a new study published Thursday in the Journal Of Archaeological Science found evidence suggesting that the...

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to help minors in the entertainment industry hold on to their hard-earned substances, Congress passed a new law Thursday that requires 15% of all cocaine received by...

NEW YORK—In a landmark move to address longstanding gender inequities in professional basketball, league officials announced this week that the WNBA would now fine players just as much as their male...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Calling it a “financial necessity” that hopefully wouldn’t last for more than a few months, 33-year-old Josh Gallagher told reporters Thursday that he and his girlfriend had become so...

YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the...

AURORA, IL—Pausing to confirm she had read that correctly, local woman Liz Jackson reported Wednesday that the main character in the novel she was reading straight up said she hoped to be played by...

HONOLULU—Calling his portrayal of a Native Hawaiʻian chief “straight out of the 1700s,” critics, scholars, and fans alike praised Chief Of War star Jason Momoa this week for the historical accuracy...

CORAL SPRINGS, FL—Emphasizing the importance of violent, ligament-shredding torque in achieving pro-caliber pitch velocity, regional baseball scout Phil Jenson told pitching prospect Gio Aguilar this...

HARRISBURG, PA—Area resident Dwayne Pafko, 27, went out and got his ass totally creamed by a big old bus Monday.

CHICAGO—Struggling to piece together an itinerary for the upcoming weekend, 27-year-old Greg Randolph confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he has no idea what to do with his visiting friend between...

HIGHLAND PARK, IL–Steve Smalls, a senior vice-president at Chicago’s Alliance Manufacturing, the world’s largest producer of industrial refrigeration systems, is a self-described "blues nut."

SAN FRANCISCO—Thumbing back the pistol’s hammer as his dreams for the future were dashed before his eyes, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman reportedly placed a gun to his head Tuesday after a new model of...

ITHACA, NY—In a groundbreaking study published in the journal Animal Behaviour, researchers at Cornell University revealed Monday that elephants are the only known nonhuman species capable of...

CINCINNATI—Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on...

Weapons, a new horror film from the director of Barbarian, topped the box office on its opening weekend. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the movie.  Q. Why is the film called...