Dude-Bro Dad
@thedadvocate01
Followers
5,348
Following
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Media
458
Statuses
14,003
Voted Twitter’s Most Handsome Dad | IG: dudebrodad | Top 20:
Orlando, FL
Joined April 2018
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Pinned Tweet
Halfway through my kid’s crazy complicated Subway order, the guy asked “Where you going with this sandwich, man?”
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Me: New year new me
Dog: New year new flea
Beverage importer: New year new tea
Bank: New year new fee
Aborist: New year new tree
Cheese maker: New year new brie
Yoga instructor: New year new chi
Dolphin: New year new e eeee eeeeeeeeeeeee
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Murderer: I’m gonna ʰⁱᶜᶜᵘᵖ kill you!
Me: 😶
Murderer: 😳
Me: 😄 Did you hiccup?
Murderer: 🤭
Me: 😂😂😂 Murderer: 😂😂😂
Me: 🙂Do you want a do over?
Murderer: 🤗Ok but try to act surprised
Me: 😉
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
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My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
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“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
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[kids basketball game]
Me: [shouting from the bleachers] Hey ref!
Wife: Oh no
Me: Did you check that kid’s passport?
Wife: Sit down
Me: Because he was traveling!
Wife: [through gritted teeth] That’s our kid. Our kid was traveling
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Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
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Me:
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[standing]
[sits]
Wife: Can you...
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Astronaut: Alright, who forgot to put the lid down?
💩
💩
💩
💩
🚽
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Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
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Doctor: You’re 30lbs overweight
Me: A lot of that’s water weight
Doctor: And you’re severely dehydrated
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Wife: Did you tell the kids to drop out of school?
Me: They don’t like their teacher
Wife: I’m their teacher
Me: And I’m their guidance counselor
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It’s like society wasn’t even listening when Bill & Ted said be excellent to each other.
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If you want to piss off a toddler just tell him he’s tired.
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Genie: And for your third wish?
Me: Same as the first two
Genie: Another bear hug from John Goodman it is
*POOF!*
John Goodman: [arms outstretched] Bring it in brother
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[ordering from Pizza Hut]
Me: Do you have any specials?
Associate: 2 large 3 topping pizzas for $18.99
Me: Great let’s do that
Associate: Ok your total comes to $42.17
Me: Wait
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Thermostat
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🔽🔼
Me👆
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🔽🔼
Wife👆
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🔽🔼
Me👆
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🔽🔼
Wife👆
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Me👆
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Wife👆
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Me👆
Wife: I suppose I can compromise
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Danny DeVito: Small vanilla latte please
Barista: You mean tall?
Danny DeVito: ?
Barista: Small means tall here
Danny DeVito: *wipes away tear* ᴵ ˡᵒᵛᵉ ᵗʰⁱˢ ᵖˡᵃᶜᵉ
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I found my toddler in my bed watching cartoons on TV and playing on his iPad. Double screening it. Not a care in the world. I had that life. He stole it from me.
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Me: This show’s boring!
Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference
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Wife: IT’S OVER! GET OUT!
Me: Ok, good luck killing spiders
Wife: Wait
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Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
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First day of school and my kid already ripped a hole in the knee of his new biohazard suit.
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Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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God: You’re in charge of naming all the animals.
Dr. Seuss: That’s a Zizzer Zazzer Zuz. That’s a Phiffer Pheffer Phef. That’s-
God: Nope nope nope. Let’s bring you back later. Adam, you’re up.
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Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
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“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
- inventor of the Band-Aid
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Wife: oH PoOR baBy. Do you want me to call a WAAAmbulence?
Me: [bleeding uncontrollably] Just a regular ambulance please
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I have this alarm clock that goes off at 6 every morning, hits me with a lightsaber and demands pancakes.
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Things I can cook for my kids:
Pancakes
Mac and cheese
Quesadillas
Panmacs (mac and cheese piled on pancakes)
Macadillas (quesadillas stuffed with mac and cheese)
Panmacadillas (folded pancakes stuffed with mac and cheese)
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My toddler really wants to go to a swing state. It’s not what you think it means, buddy.
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My wife driving Black Eyed
around for Peas
months w/
a Goodwill
donation
🤝
Whatcha gonna do
with all that junk
all that junk
inside your trunk?
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[gates of hell]
Dr. Seuss: I don’t understand. What’d I do wrong?
Satan: You tortured people
Dr. Seuss: ?
Satan: Read this
Dr. Seuss: “When beetles battle beetles in a puddle paddle battle-“ Yeah I deserve this
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A drinking game where you take a shot every time you tell your kids to go to bed.
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A hierarchy of pies (a pierarchy if you will):
1. Pecan
2. Pumpkin
3. Apple
4. Cherry
5. Chicken pot
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that...no
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There’s a party next door but judging by the mix of late 90s/early 2000s jams, they’ll wrap it by ten.
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Wife: That was for our son
Me: [mouth full of cake] How was I supposed to know?
Wife: It said happy 6th birthday
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My 3-year-old calls corn on the cob porn on the cop and I will never correct him.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I spun donuts in the school parking lot after dropping off my kids to celebrate the end of winter break?
Cop: Yes and it was rad
*We fist bump
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Wife (to kids): Wait till your father comes home!!
Me: I’ve...I’ve been here for weeks
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I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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Welcome to your late 30s. You like oatmeal raisin cookies now.
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Me: Hi I need to pick up a prescription for my son
Pharmacist: Date of birth?
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Pharmacist: Sir?
Me:
Me: I’m thinking
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Friend: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Me: The creator of Frankenstein.
[later at Halloween party]
Friend: I thought you were going to be Dr. Frankenstein.
Me [in a Victorian-era dress]: No, Mary Shelley created Frankenstein.
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“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
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My phone was missing so I used my wife’s to call mine. I wasn’t in her favorites. I found my contact under my full and proper name like some sort of business associate.
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I told my kid to put his toys in the toy box and he told me the entire house is a toy box. He’s not wrong.
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I asked my wife if she had a needle and thread and she said they’re over there by the butter churn. Now I’m looking for the butter churn.
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Me: Nap time
Toddler: I not tired
Me: It’s not about you
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For Christmas this year I got my kids lightsabers, didgeridoos, telescopes and whatever else they can pretend the gift wrap tubes are.
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Using a leaf blower on a windy day is the ultimate dad flex because you’re basically telling God He’s doing it wrong.
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Just googled “WAP” like some sort of white guy in his late 30s.
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My kid’s school charges us $5 for every 5 minutes we’re late picking him up and it’s worth every penny.
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6 just said he can’t wait to become an adult so he can do whatever he wants. Should somebody tell him?
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Me: I’m going to the store
Kid 1: I wanna go!
Kid 2: Me too!
Wife: I guess I’ll go
Me: This is not at all what I had in mind
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I gave Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew Baja Blast to all the kids after basketball practice and I was never asked to be snack dad again.
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My kid’s teacher tried to arrange a Donuts with Dad event but none of us showed up because she only emailed the dads.
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Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Me: You’ve been watching TV for hours. Why don’t you try reading for a while?
Son: *turns on subtitles*
Me: That’s better
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Boss: You’re late
Me: [having tripped over three lightsabers and stepped on eight LEGO bricks on my way to the garage that is now my office so that I could join this conference call] Traffic
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Coronavirus playlist:
Disturbed - Down with the Sickness
REM - Everybody Hurts
Cutting Crew - (I Just) Died in Your Arms
Def Leopard - Hysteria
Tears for Fears - Mad World
Any song by the Airborne Toxic Event
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
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I took the kids out for lunch and then to a park. My wife had a wonderful Fathers Day.
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Me: That’s enough video games
Son: *watches YouTube videos of people playing video games*
Me: That’s worse some how
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Wife: I’m pregnant
Me: What?!
Wife: With anticipation
Me: Oh
Wife: Of a baby
Me: What?!
Wife: Shark doo doo doo doo
Me: wtf?
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[Jiffy Lube]
Me: Oil change please
Associate: Sure, replace your engine air filter?
Me: Uh, I guess
A: And your cabin air filter?
Me:...Ok
A: Your car?
Me: Replace the whole car?
A: It needs it
Me: If you say so
A: Comes to $24,762
Me: I have a coupon
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9 pm: Bed time
9:07 pm: “I need water!” time
9:13 pm: “I heard a noise” time
9:27 pm: “I want my teddy bear” time
9:28 pm: “No not that one” time
9:39 pm: Crying for no reason time
10:14 pm: Just realized I’m still watching Paw Patrol time
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Me: Lord Vader, your weaponized space station is complete
Vader: Excellent. What shall we call it?
M: Devastation Station?
V:
M: SphereOFear?
V:
M: Vader’s Planet Evaporator?
V:
M: Darth’s Boom Boom Moon?
V:
M: [being force choked] ᵈᵉᵃᵗʰ ˢᵗᵃʳ?
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I like to put a single baby carrot in my kid’s bag of Cheeto Puffs just so he’s prepared for life’s curve balls.
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Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No sirree bob
Cop: Well I’m writing you a ticket anyway
Me: Why?
Cop: For saying no sirree bob
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Wife: Why are you crying?
Me: My AncestryDNA test came back
Wife: Yeah?
Me: I’m not related to any Skywalkers
Wife: Oh honey
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Home Alone 3 (let’s pretend a third one doesn’t already exist): History repeats itself when Kevin McAllister, now a father, finds himself home alone after a mix up sends his wife and kids on vacation without him. He has a nice time.
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My kid’s art has never been so disturbing and yet I really identify with the dad.
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How many times must my heart break before I accept that my kids will never like any movie I cherished as a child?
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When I was a kid, my friend and I would ride our bikes all day. We could go anywhere as long as we were back home before dark. Were things safer back then or did we just have bad parents?
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Gordon Ramsey: The crab has to be the hero of this dish! 15 seconds left!
Me: [frantically tying a cape to an Alaskan king crab] come on come on come on
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Parents, can we all agree to make these drive-by birthday parties permanent?
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It’s time I tell my kids the truth about Santa. He’s Amazon.
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Ryan: Dad, how did we get our names?
Me: Well, we named each of you after the No. 1 movie at the box office the week you were born. For you, that was Saving Private Ryan
Austin: And for me it must’ve been... Austin Powers?
Me: That’s right
Shrek:
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Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
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Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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Wife: Please, from now on just let me introduce our kids
Me: What’s wrong with how I do it?
[earlier at a party]
Me: This is my wife, Janet, and these are my seed
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Toddler: [having a meltdown]
Wife: What’s his problem?
Me: I dunno. I put on his favorite Paw Patrol shirt and he just started throwing a fit
Wife: Probably because he wanted you to put it on him
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I accidentally put adult toothpaste on my kid’s toothbrush and nearly poisoned him.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Batman:
Cop: You changed lanes without a turn signal
Batman: Batsignal
Cop: *sighs* Whatever man
Batman: Batman
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Teacher: Form an orderly line
Kids:
🧒🏼
👦🏻
👦🏻
👦🏽
👦🏻
👦🏻 my kid
👦🏼
👦🏽
🧒🏼
🧒🏿
🧒🏻
👦🏼
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Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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To me, a wingman isn’t a guy who helps pick up chicks. It’s someone I can go halvsies with on a party platter of Blazin’ bonelesses from Buffalo Wild Wings.
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What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
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What my wife calls Star Wars characters:
Jaba the Hut: Slug Guy
Han Solo: Vest Guy
Luke Skywalker: Whiney Guy
Darth Vader: Breathey Guy
Chewbacca: Hairy Guy
Princess Leia: Lady with the Hair
R2-D2: Trash Can Robot
C-3PO: Gay Robot
Ewoks: Ewoks
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