I think I’ve found an insult that would actually upset me “I bet your eggs at home have weak shells”

Sometimes I worry that true love’s first kiss won’t even come close to the first sip of coffee in the morning.

I think it’s incredible how often it’s a girls best friends birthday.

Comedy is now legal on Twitter

Ahh man, clouds? Guess I’ll give up on my dreams.

Tom Brady is leaving Gisele for his son

There should be yearbooks for every year in your adult life.

At the corner store muttering “was it chocolate or vanilla she wanted?” so the people around me don’t think the snacks are for me.

When someone gets shot, the headline should say whether or not they knew each other.

Bow to your sensei...BOW TO YOUR SENSEI

I love that moment in a sleepover where your body wakes you up super early for no reason and then you start stretching until you hear movement

People in the south are bigger because they eat one serving for themselves and one for Jesus

Friend who grew up in FL: We had a gator who lived near our house. Everyone knew to just stay away from that area and you would be fine. Me: We had the same thing but with a pedophile

What about an escape room where we solve the problems in my life?

You offer an all you can eat buffet. You’re gonna get some chemical fumes.

Makes me want to look into the writers of “How To Get Away With Murder”

All Apepox is Monkeypox but not all Monkeypox is Apepox.

There should be an Instagram filter for group photos that makes your friends 10% uglier.

Coming out must be really difficult. I’ve never had to do that, but I did have to tell my coach I was quitting because football conflicted with theater.

I just overheard a girl talking on the phone. She said “No, you need a man. M.A.N.” I couldn’t tell if that was for emphasis, or she just has dumb friends.