"I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon.

This actually means it’s gonna rule.

I can’t believe this needs to be said but when someone calls you and you answer the phone, you, the recipient, need to say hello first to indicate that you are there and ready to listen. It’s insane behavior to pick up the phone and be dead silent like you had a lobotomy.

RT @NoahGarfinkel: This would be PERFECT for when I need to do this.

This photo of llamas in my kid’s book looks like George W. Bush being told 9/11 happened

I had to relocate the feeder because of the raccoon but here’s some new shots

RT @tastefactory: [at airport].Customs Official: Do you have anything to declare?.Southern Belle: No.

I don’t know how to explain this but Nathan Fielder is not insane. He’s TOO sane, if that makes sense.

That family is gonna have one wild summer.

Yep, that dude is definitely the president of Ireland

We had a surprise visitor last night at the hummingbird feeder

My wife got me a video hummingbird feeder and it’s so good.

Having an email address is brutal. You buy one item from a company and suddenly they think you want to hear from them daily. Like I only needed one jacket, guys. I’m not gonna buy 47 jackets from you. Just the one will do.

RT @tastefactory: My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

I miss this band

Maybe the best song on the new Coheed album

Finally watching The Pitt and after 5 episodes of watching Dana, I was like I know her from somewhere. Her facial movements finally clicked and I remembered where I knew her from: She gave Jerry the lie detector test on Seinfeld to confirm whether or not he watched Melrose Place.

Nobody loves movies more than this man.

RT @tastefactory: "Rear-End" was sick on the day they made this commercial. http://t.co/1yVXZ3vAaO.