That bitch with the bacon tattoo
@tashaneedshelp
Followers
4,091
Following
1,598
Media
806
Statuses
13,449
Im not sure if I’m living the dream, or if it’s some sick twisted nightmare.
Middle of Nowhere, Canada
Joined March 2015
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Pinned Tweet
If I had a dragon I would probably just use it to melt cheese on shit.
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Metallica has never appeared on Sesame Street…Master of Puppets my ass.
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Look, if I’m too poor to go ad free, I’m sure as hell not buying what you’re advertising.
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Of course I’ll stir the pot, I don’t want it to burn.
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I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
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Life seemed so much simpler when Pluto was still a planet.
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A panic attack should at least burn enough calories for a cheeseburger combo or something.
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What’s it called when you do all the cooking and the cleaning? But also earn the household income???
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Working retail makes you hate humanity.
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I think I would like to become mentally less aware.
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Money would allow me to suffer in comfort.
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What if I showed up outside your window with a pan of sizzling bacon instead of a boombox?
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I’m doing the best I can, which is actually quite disappointing.
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I wish I was full of fried chicken and not emotions.
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I find myself in love with potatoes more often than I’d like to admit.
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It’s never too early or late for a little cheese snack.
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Look, I’m not saying a bucket of fried chicken is gonna help, but it sure isn’t gonna make things worse.
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I regret every cheeseburger I didn’t eat.
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Why do mornings have to be so early.
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People who wake up early to work out, why?
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I’m not the same person I was a few years ago, I’m much worse now.
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If I fill a pint glass with wine, does it still count as one glass?
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How many chocolate mini eggs is a substitute for a regular egg?
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If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
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Anyone want to kidnap me for the week? I’ll make you cookies, no weirdos.
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This sandwich tastes like I had to make it myself.
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Some people aren’t smart enough to feel stupid.
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Pretending to be nice does not in fact make you a nice person.
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Having pets makes talking to yourself less weird.
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So when exactly is our water suppose to turn to wine?
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When life crushes your taco, just pretend you ordered nachos.
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I have a really good daily routine, I wake up and I suffer.
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Are breakfast margaritas a thing?
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I think life would be less stressful if we took lazy rivers everywhere instead of highways.
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I never met a potato I didn’t like.
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If you accuse me of yelling, you will start to hear yelling so you can note the difference in the future.
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Doing my laundry naked so I can wash it all at once.
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Why do I never find pies cooling on neighbours window sills like in cartoons?
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My hips don’t lie but they sure as hell know how to hit every corner.
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If I burn that haystack, I’ll find that needle.
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Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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I had a dream that someone was eating me like I was a delicious cheese.
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I’m pretty weird, and I’m okay with that.
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Told my husband I was going to work out, but really I’m just drinking a beer alone in the basement.
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Humans are the most annoying thing on this planet.
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Why does my body feel like I’m fighting crime while I sleep.
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Have you tried covering it in garlic butter?
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Might fuck around and start a circus. Who wants to be a monkey?
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If you want me to pay attention, you should talk about cheese or something.
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Air fryers are just easy bake ovens for adults.
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A smart person knows when to give up.
*goes back to bed.
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Fast food is so expensive, I may as well just buy groceries.
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I’m baking because murder is wrong.
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If we ride before dawn, I’m gonna need a snack and a nap to carry on with the day.
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Look, if I want to walk around smelling of bacon and maple syrup that’s my own business.
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I don’t care what time it is, if you offer me a cheeseburger, I’m eating it.
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Im not crying, I’m having an allergic reaction to life.
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If your man doesn’t have at least one bag of random wires and shit he refuses to part with, is he even a man?
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Showering is for people who still have hope.
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I’m either gonna say way too much or nothing at all. Moderation is not my forte.
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I choose pastries over depression.
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I just need a little vacation that lasts the rest of my life.
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Time to get out of bed and start making bad decisions.
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What’s the point of working everyday, if I still can’t afford anything?
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Are farts just ghosts of meals past?
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I like using cash to confuse the cashiers.
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I may not be the best decision you’ve ever made, but I’m sure you can still do worse.
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I think a box of doughnuts could help with today.
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I do my best thinking when I should be sleeping.
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Might fuck around and buy a whole wheel of cheese today.
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Some of you act like you never had to put bags on your feet before your boots, and it shows.
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This is my emotional support roast chicken, leave me be.
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I want potato chips and wings over being skinny.
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Eating my meal directly out of the pan I cooked it in is self care.
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If nobody laughs when I fall down, I’m gonna feel so old.
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Now is as good a time as ever for that stupid plan of yours.
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I’ve unlocked a new superpower, my knees can predict the weather.
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You might have saved your own life more times then you can imagine.
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I’m at the age where I get very excited about a new frying pan.
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I may not have friends. But I still have a fridge full of cheese, so I’m good.
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Why don’t we drink more savoury beverages? Normalize cups of broth for breakfast.
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The best things in life are full of carbs.
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I smell purple kool aid, am I having a stroke?
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I wasn’t always like this, people made me this way.
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Confident stupid people are dangerous.
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My favourite type of brick is definitely cheese.
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I think both sides of my bed are the wrong side.
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You can’t be sad with a jar of pickles.
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Getting an onion ring in your fries is a good luck.
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My moon can block the sun for you any day babe.
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Faking being normal takes a lot of my energy.
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Anxiety is the most reliable friend I’ve ever had.
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I want you to lay me down in a bed of mashed potatoes.
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You look like that hotdog that’s been on the roller just a bit too long.
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The difference between acquaintances and friends is that I have aquaintances.
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