oh sorry when I said “I’m open to feedback” I meant you could give me a compliment.

guys on dating apps will troll you so hard about your appearance but at least that’s how I found out I had a lazy eye, so Jeremy may be mean but my friends are liars.

salesperson: can I help you find something?. me, actively trying to find something in the store: nah I’m good, thanks though.

when I say I like bad boys I mean someone who shares their OTP passcode.

I either have intimacy issues or hoe issues.

don’t invite millennial me to a workshop called “Ignition” and then act surprised when I start the presentation with “now usually I don’t do this”.

dress for the job you want, not the job you have, which is why I wear sweatpants to the office so they know I want to go back to being a remote employee.

I am “Max going back to HBO Max is like when Stephanie tried to change her name to Dawn” years old

dentists love to be like "how is work going? and I will have follow up questions" and then stuff both their hands in your mouth.

anytime someone compliments my watch:. “oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11”.

I like working with consultants because they say exciting business things like “if we can’t land the plane in terms of numbers, we’ll need a fallback option" and it'll be about the number of people who want to go eat tacos together.

in your 20s - bartender: the usual coors?.in your 30s - barista: the usual coffee?.in your 40s - walgreens cashier: the usual extra strength tums?.

I didn't know why everyone either loves or hates pickleball until I saw a class that said "strategic dinking" but I thought it said "strategic DRINKING" and now I'm on the hate pickleball side.

I would be more impressed by a deodorant’s strength if instead of a commercial at the gym it was at work when you have to go around and say your spirit animal.

you know when you come home from happy hour and try to double click unlock your Subaru apartment

I am embarrassed by the amount of second-hand embarrassment I have caused people.

the longer I wait at the airport bar, the higher ABV I will have to order.

remember when Deal or No Deal got really progressive and had a woman banker.

between my affirmations, vision board, and motivational post-its on my mirror, I have an enormous amount of literature to read just to not cry before 10a.

I’m still using words like “hooked up with” and they’re saying things like “mortgage payments”.

it’s Mother’s Day. I’m single and over 40. so I shut down my uterus by buying plants and a fish.