Jason Sweeney
@sween
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limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Joined November 2007
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I can't imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I'm Canadian and I'm chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
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TRUMP: No politician has been treated worse or more unfairly.
KENNEDY: you got this?
LINCOLN: sure (ahem) HOLD MY BEER
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I bet Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is pretty tense.
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Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
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I’m a 42-year-old man, but if I see a stuffed animal lying on its face, I will still move it into a seated position so it can see.
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Witch King: "No man can kill me."
Eowyn: "I am no man." [Stabs him]
Witch King: [Shrieks] "GAMERGATE IS ABOUT JOURNALISTIC ETHICS!" [Dies]
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Do I still have to go to medical school if I just wanna be the guy who yells "WE'RE LOSING HIM!"?
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Okay, go to sleep, America. You can play with your president tomorrow.
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Pizza Hut announces new pizza. Its crust is filled with everything. We live in the crust. The crust is the Universe. Only $9.99.
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Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars.
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My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
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It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
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CELL SERVICE WILL BE RETURNED WHEN YOU ALL LISTEN TO YOUR FREE U2 ALBUM
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"This porridge is too hot!"
"This bed is too soft!"
"This sex is too fast!"
Goldilocks.
Worst. Date. Ever.
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When the only tool you have is an analogy, every problem looks like another problem.
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Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
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For the record, many countries spell certain English words differently. For example, we spell "health care" as "a basic human right".
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I was really stressed out by the debate.
But then I remembered I'm Canadian.
[Skips off to play Ultimate Frisbee with Justin Trudeau.]
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If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox.
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Low-pressure showers are like bad sex. It's fine. You get used to it. And then one day you experience the alternative and OH! OH OH! OH GOD!
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Hey.
America.
Buddy.
No matter what happens...
check out our Prime Minister! 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦
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Budweiser is renaming their beer “America”, but it’s pronounced “[audible eye roll]”.
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Every time you get an idea, God tells Jesus, "I came up with that." Then Jesus says, "I know." Then God says, "I know you know."
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I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk".
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Could yield signs be any more Canadian? "You might have to stop. I'm not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I'm on a street!"
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A Transformer that turns into a Transformer that turns into yet another Transformer?
Incepticon.
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Wife just told her parents we don't need any more chocolate. Now changing Facebook relationship status to "It's Complicated".
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They should make a Saw movie where the torture is to watch the other Saw movies.
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ME: I'm sad thinking about my dad on Father's Day
DAD: [whispers from beyond grave] Hi Sad-Thinking-About-My-Dad-On-Father's-Day — I'm Dad
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There's a thin line between wanting a child and wanting a vasectomy. That line is at the Disney Store.
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The only horoscope you will ever need:
Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens.
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Jasper Aloysius Hefferton Sweeney
2001-2018
Goodbye, sweet boy.
We love you.
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Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine.
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If he's never picked you up at the airport, I think you have an *acquaintance* in Jesus.
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News Anchor: “Trump wins Super Tuesday — Zodiac Killer comes third.”
Ted Cruz: “Hey! I came second!”
Anchor: “Gotcha.”
Ted Cruz: “Aw, nuts.”
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"Say 'meow' again! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! Say 'meow' one more goddamn time!"
*meow*
[Feeds cat.]
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Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.
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I hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.
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When you say you are trying to have a baby, all I hear is "Picture me having sex!"
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Disney should do a movie about a princess that talks to woodland creatures and they convince her to go to grad school.
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One does not simply walk into Mordor. It's a gradual slide. Life choices mount up and then one day you look around and realize, "Huh. Orcs."
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Some days you just have to fill the tub with Skittles and pretend to be Godzilla in a ball pit.
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I wonder if rectangles ever look at Matt Damon's head and feel pride that one of their own made it big.
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I'm so Canadian, when I make a "your mom" joke, I call her to apologize.
She calls me "dear". It's nice.
I like talking to your mom.
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My wife says it's uncouth to tell people I have to pee. So please excuse me, but I need to drool from my crotch tentacle.
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One Ring to rule them all,
One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all,
and in the darkness bind them.
Marriage vows are weird.
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If Hillary really wants to get under Trump’s skin, she should invite Alec Baldwin to the debate.
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If you wanted bigots to have shorter lifespans, having them oppose affordable healthcare and then eat a lot fried chicken is one way to go.
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One day Canada will take over the world. And then you'll all be sorry.
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"Hello, little bee. How are you today?"
"Bzzzy."
"You've been wanting to say that forever, haven't you?"
"... yezzz."
*tiny high five*
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I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don't be a smart-ass".
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I like to poop with the door open, but it makes it hard to drive.
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The cat stole my chair but I didn't want to move him because he looked so comfy so all I could do was pepper-spray him right in the face.
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Either Narnia has really gone downhill or I'm just sitting in some guy's closet.
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Recreational pot now legal in Canada: Day 1.
"Dude... have you ever been like... *really* sorry."
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If you find yourself suffering from “Zoom Fatigue”, you can give yourself a break by muting yourself, turning off your camera, closing your laptop, lying down on the floor, loosening the molecular bonds that hold your atoms together, and just disperse into nothingness.
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If I sold weed, I'd only sell it as a suppository. Primarily so I could market it as DOPE ASS ASS DOPE.
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You know how freaked out dogs are around fireworks? That’s how the rest of the world is around America right now.
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Just saw a co-worker at the supermarket and had a nice long talk about what's going on in her life lol jk I hid behind the potatoes.
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Expecting a chocolate-chip cookie but getting a trail-mix cookie is like expecting a blowjob but getting a minimum-wage job.
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The most Canadian conversation ever.
"Is Canada in the World Cup?"
"No."
"Oh."
"But one of the referees is Canadian!"
"Oh! That's nice!"
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My dream job would have two desks — one for work and one for flipping over in blind rages.
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Before the Internet, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
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Sometimes I see parents with their kids and I get jealous. [Sips beer. Plans leisure activities. Counts disposable income.] So jealous.
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I know it was a good poop when I walk away in slow-motion as the bathroom explodes behind me. I don't look back.
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Nighttime.
My cat sleeps.
Slowly, I inch my face closer and closer to his.
Finally, I bite his nose.
OH? NOT AWESOME FOR YOU EITHER?
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Hillary is the iPhone 7: technically impressive but criticized for a poor choice of words.
Trump is the Galaxy Note 7: literally on fire.
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They should write a sequel to "Goodnight Moon" called "Fuck You Sun".
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Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
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They should make two lanes at the supermarket. One would be for fast people. The other would be lava.
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Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism.
I fight Vampire Hitler.
HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT.
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Just went to pick up milk without my iPhone.
I have never been so bored in my entire life.
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I showed my wife the correct way to load the dishwasher and now I'm in bed waiting for my reward and I have no idea what's keeping her.
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My favorite part of eating M&Ms is watching their little white gloves twitch... and then fall still.
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I just fake-went-to-the-bathroom to avoid someone. He followed me in. I don't think the pee noises I'm making with my mouth are working.
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Tagging people on Flickr. Or as I like to call it, "training SkyNet".
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Ever since I got married, my bachelor's degree has been useless.
Just kidding! It's a bachelor's degree! It's ALWAYS been useless! Hahasob!
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The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.
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People that honk in traffic jams are also probably really good at yelling at rocks.
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Oh, anecdotal evidence. Look at you. Pretending you're science. You're just adorable.
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Fuck you I would fucking kill to have one more fucking interaction with my fucking father you fucking fuck.
Does this look like an appropriate father/son interaction to you?
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If a hipster tree falls in the forest, does it make a sound?
It does, you've just never heard it.
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I only ask myself "What would Jesus do?" if I don't want to shave.
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