once during therapy, my psychiatrist said “if he were serious —“ and he invoked siri and i was like “you turned siri on!”... but he actually hadn’t… but then THAT turned siri on and i was like “ha ha ha the incantation of siri”... and then i never went to therapy again.

in 2019 my new year’s goal was to be in a group chat. that september, my neighbor killed himself so i got all the remaining neighbors’ phone numbers and put us in a group chat.

your email will not find me.

ppl not rly muttering these days.

Raya opening the floodgates and letting everyone off the waitlist is a major recession indicator

my mind after midnight: volume 826. 🤏🏼

are you all talking to the same chat? and if so, as a chathead, how does that make you feel??

also queen of versailles.

as for me? my favorite films? kajillionaire, and four christmases. thank you 😘😊

exposing this bitch!!! pick me!! yeah!! exactly!! GET HER ASS!! 🤣

a house is not a home until it has a printer

woman sitting next to me just asked the flight attendant for a hot toddy.

I think what makes Curtis Sliwa so endearing, despite his politics, is that he clearly comes from the Hey Arnold version of New York

yes. 🤪

draft in my notes that just says: having inside jokes with myself

i asked someone named jo(h)nathan if there was an “h” in his name and he said yes. and i said “cool.” and he said “at the end”. and i said “what?” and he said “the ‘h’ is at the end”…. this man thought i didn’t know how to spell jonathan.

someone with a big platform, please tell the people there’s an “i” in verbiage!!! and quick. i’ve had enough!!

we’re giving 26 year olds too much confidence.

this is the woman you said shouldn’t be under conservatorship!!!!!

stop looking into things!!!!!!! be cool. f*ck.

i’m not calling a baby under 5 my “cousin”, sorry. you’re my niece.