Funny story earlier in the Cabinet Room. I had to quietly explain the concept of rules to Boris. Almost had to ask J-Mogg to translate into Latin. Didn't half ruffle my blue shiny suit, so it did.

Rishi, Rishi, Rishi 👋🏻👋🏻👋🏻 If Dodgy Dave and Jimmy Dimly can get a broken deckchair, then surely I can secure a lifeline... for Pudsey, for summer galas, for Guiseley lights? #CabinetReshuffle #LordDaveOfPorkScatchings

BREAKING WIND: ME: Drinking a crisp Australian chardonnay while watching the footy in Sydney* PUDSEY: Suffering from #ToryBrokenBritain *no kangaroo testicles on the menu later

Unsure if this is now government policy? Well, after Big Dog and his promiscuous ways... 🐕💞👶🏼 #ToryBrokenBritain

BREAKING WIND: Tory implosion at triple by-election results. ME: Smiling today at my regular photo-opps, defending the outcome by saying the electorate are mostly stupid oiks. #ToryGaslighting

Another day, one more BORING constituent enquiry. The Illegal Migration Bill is being robustly defended by Bobby Generic in the HoC. I've been asked for my view? Get rid. But for the record, I've offered full use of the Leeds' navy in temporarily housing asylum seekers.

Richy knows things are difficult <snigger> As do I <double snigger> You've just got to hold your nerve. Simples. Tune in later for the full inflation cutting strategy on UnicornFM 🦄 #StrongAndStable #ToryGaslighting

I've been asked why I didn't vote this week at HoC. As a minister, I'm very busy. For example, yesterday, I attended @leedslibraries exhibition, ‘For King, Country and Home’. Mainly to explain why the Tory Party has repeatedly insulted the #Windrush generation. #ToryBritain

Morning Pudsey plebs! Thought I'd get ahead of the curve. Two things: 1. Richy is correctly saying at the time Gov wanted the inquiry to kick the can down the road, but it's now a HoC matter 🤔 2. Yes, I'll be voting to approve the report - no honours recognition, Boris 🖕🏻

Nothing. NOTHING! Can compare to the big turn on - not even that jumper. Or the brown buffet 🥖🧀🫓 🥧🍢 Gutted not to be recognised for my illuminating contribution during the BoJo years 😞

Correction: 3. An election winner

Morning Pudsey plebs! I've been inundated with constituency calls. Such inconveniences get in the way of my daily photo-opps. I need to clarify a few points why I support Boris. 1. He's awesome 2. Such energy 3. An erection sinner 4. Got Brexit Done #BorisTheLiar

Morning Pudsey Oiks! I'm back. Just been incredibly busy at events of late, where I've been photographed with [insert celebratory]. Great times! Anything happening today, let me know? #BigDogPutToSleep #BorisTheLiar

That was a tough day at the coal face - OOF! Congrats to my blue-nose buddies on their isolated successes. Fantastic well done to everyone who put themselves forward. Winks to all winning candidates. Back to what I'm good at. Street celebrations🍾 🇬🇧🎉👑 #LocalElections2023

❗️❗️TROLLING DAY❗️❗️ It's time to remind me just how poor the Tories have performed both locally and nationally. Get out in Pudsey & Leeds, remember your identification, VOTE, and make sure you ❎️ for any party who would do things better. #GTTO #LocalElections2023

For similar reasons I'll continue to call the former First Minister of Scotland, Nicola. Others in my Pudsey constituency may decide to revert to Wee Jimmy Krankie, but that's their choice. #ToryBritain #breconbeacons

Constituents have already contacted me today. Some disgruntled callers. But others demanding privatisation of the Beeb. Meanwhile, here is Big Dog showing true leadership. Ignore all the report details & instead focus on how he's got dressed with his eyes closed. #ToryBritain

Rachel is spot on. Knowledge is power, so keep the facts secret. This applies to the actual impact from small boats, police numbers, river pollution & Brexit - sunlit uplands are near 🌄 Right now though we should all be pulling together & focusing on coronation flag-waving 🇬🇧

To be fair this really won't affect the likely outcomes for Pudsey, Guiseley, Horsforth and Aireborough 💙 🇬🇧Everyone knows that my flag-waving coronation party plans will please voters of all colours 💛💚❤️ #LocalElections2023 #ToryLies

That's correct constituents, the Tories keep promises - BOOM! No need to rearrange the names Peter and Paul with the words pay and robbing. Next: Luxury flights to Rwanda #ToryBrokenBritain #PartyOfLawAndUnicorns

I've been asked by a few constituents about the water pollution debate yesterday. They incorrectly mentioned Tory Sewage Party, Brexit & Unicorn Kingdom. The Tories have a grown-up plan. The end. Enough piffle to warrant THAT special blue plaque? https://t.co/06mwadl2r9