it's silly because if it's gonna happen - it's just going to happen. it'll start happening while i'm awake. avoiding sleep won't make a difference. i just don't want to wake up with all over body stiffness/agony and be all emotional due to a terrible start to the day, i guess.

this is stupid but i'm too anxious to sleep because i have this overwhelming feeling of dread that i'll wake up 90% immobile yet again 😩 i have been awake over 26 hours (not related) and keep almost nodding off, but jolt myself upright because i don't want to wake up in agony.

my gerbil reggie (right) has such an attitude problem today. i went over to the enclosure - ronnie (left) hopped out of his birdhouse to stand next to me. i gave him a kiss on his little face. i did the same to reggie a moment later - he turned around & kicked sawdust at me 😂😐

my therapist encouraged me to buy this book last week. there's a lot to work with. before i next see her she wants me to write a letter to the person that negatively affected me most in my teens. it's gonna be hard. i've finally started making progress so i can emotionally heal.

got home after seeing dogs in a rehoming centre who were so excited to see me. got home to my gerbils & gave them some shredded paper that i got from the pet shop. reggie looked at me like "what the fuck is this?" & kicked it back at me. thanks, fella 😒 i feel so appreciated 😂

went to a rehoming centre this morning to get some information. saw some doggos. these 3 were beautiful. hollie is a babe, but she is already reserved. we are going to fill in an application to get the ball rolling now! hopefully soon a dog will be ours to love forever 💕🐶🖤

a dog being welcomed into our home is going to be soon. we have the house, the perfect area and our hearts that will love it so much. i just wish i knew where to even start. i want to rescue one from a kennel. how do you even begin that process? i have a lot of research to do.

watching film during recovery is odd. you'll think you haven't watched a film before or in years. then letterboxd says you rated it between 2018-2023 (the BAD blackout years). i don't think they count. a technical "rewatch" is like seeing it for the first time. it's not bad.

i haven't seen this in years. i just remembered it's the other way around. the "without" makeup look is actually him WITH makeup 😂

i keep sleeping off arthritis pain all afternoon and waking up at stupid o'clock. i'm about 60% better at moving around now. got my wrists & ankles in support braces 😂 hanging with the gerbils & watching BATMAN 1989. JN's joker without makeup used to scare me so much as a kid!

burst into tears twice today already and it's only 1pm. i was completely immobile all day yesterday and today i'm only about 40% capable of moving. i've gone back to bed crying. i need to slap myself round the face and just get on with things, no matter how painful it is.

i'm so glad i still own so much physical media. only jackass 4.5 is on netflix. it's 3:30am, i'm sat on my own and i need a laugh. this is the perfect choice 😂 along with a cheese and tomato sandwich because i haven't eaten in over 24 hours 👍🏻

i'm doing quite well. this is the longest streak since march 2024. the lead up to christmas had basically no issues, but after that was absolute hell with my cravings & addict voice yelling at me to drink. it's calmed down again now. i managed it. i'm still going. #recoveryposse

was talking to mark about how a JACKASS 5, ideally involving bam, would be so cool. then 2 days later a new film was announced. i hope it's not all just old footage - a few new stunts would rad! i hope the gang and bam can make up. the hand slap is still the funniest thing ever.

can't stand, sit or lay without crying out in pain. i'm pretty sure i took being diagnosed with liver cirrhosis better than this, because i expected it and brought it on myself. i'm struggling and don't want this life. constant all over body stiffness/agony and sobbing.

there have been so many challenges during these 2 years, especially with my recovery journey. but he always says he chose me and that he continues to choose me every day. we get through these hurdles as a team. thank you so much for being patient, compassionate and kind, mark 🖤

on the 8th of january 2024 i finally let my guard down. we became an official couple and i moved in with him not long after to begin my new sober life 100 miles away from home. and boyyyy, it's been a rollercoaster! i couldn't have done this by myself. HE'S MY ABSOLUTE ROCK.

ours hasn't been the most straightforward relationship. we were just friends when my liver failed on me and he stood by my bedside throughout. my feelings towards him grew but i didn't think he liked me back. i was an alcoholic at death's door - he couldn't like me back, surely?

happy 2nd anniversary to my support, my best friend, the man that held my hand when i took my first sober steps and promised to be by my side throughout this scary and new journey, to my partner who has saved my life multiple times, to the one who makes me laugh every day 🖤

finally home at 3am after a busy day. physical pain is pretty bad so i am just hoping for a decent rest at least, if i can't sleep. been awake now for almost 35 hours so i've got myself sorted for bed and seen that the gerbils want my attention. why at this hour, boys 😩😂