Sarah Tollemache
@stollemache
Followers
19,003
Following
1,192
Media
1,003
Statuses
11,795
I’m taping my new special Oct 11th at @grove34
New York, USA
Joined May 2009
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Pinned Tweet
My dad used to measure the diameter of my asshole in high school to make sure I wasn't having anal sex
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The Cash Me Outside girl (Bhad Bhabie) made $52 million on Only Fans. That’s going to be generational wealth. In the future, people will come from “butthole” money.
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So far Alabama has banned Abortion and Arthur and they're only on the A's
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So we can see what that looks like.
U.S. State Department warns Sweden regarding
#ASAPRocky
arrest: "Treat American citizens fairly & with respect"
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If you love airplane food but don’t like flying then you’ll love Panera Bread.
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I’m trying but I can’t find anyone to hold the camera while I suck a dick.
“I have the best advice for women in business,” Kim Kardashian says. “Get your f--king ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.”
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I’m at that time in my life where I really want a baby bump (of cocaine).
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My husband and I got propositioned for a foursome tonight with another couple. We weren’t into that idea, but we felt bad so we told them we can’t because we just had a foursome last night and we’re super tired.
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You wanna feel old? The Two Girls One Cup women turn 50 this year.
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Who wants to join me in a 30 day cult challenge? We join a cult then try to get out in 30 days.
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I’m quarantining a little bit longer because I cut my bangs too short.
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If I had a lot of money I would reboot Saving Private Ryan and cast all women just to see guys online lose their shit.
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And starts dating Pete Davidson
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Everyone should stay in. It looks like we have a second wave of sex offenders coming through.
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Turns out our economy is living paycheck to paycheck.
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Not only does Tom Cruise do all of his own stunts on Mission Impossible set but he also does his own Human Resources.
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It’d be weird if Will Smith forgot to thank his wife.
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My husband was on the tonight show last night!!
.
@JoeListComedy
isn’t thinking about his financial situation when he’s admiring mansions.
#FallonTonight
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Life hack: start a pile of clothes to donate. Leave it there for months. Then when you feel like shopping you dig through that pile. Congrats, you’ve just thrift store shopped for free.
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Let's not tell some people when quarantine is over.
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The dark underside of Hot Girl Summer is that your tits get really sweaty and your pussy smells at the end of the day.
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Netflix should do a show like Marie Kondo’s show, Tidying Up, but instead it’s a white woman that goes to Japan and makes people buy shit they don’t need for their home.
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Thanks to
@Chase
Bank’s suggestion to make my own tampons I was able to buy a birthday card for my Dad.
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Comedy is hard enough for female comics. Now they have us performing in parks at night.
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Yes, if men could get pregnant there would be abortion clinics everywhere but I also feel like they would never do anything about it until birth and that everywhere would be littered with babies and women would still have to take care of them.
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Netflix is just YouTube for famous people to upload their own videos.
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I think my husband wants to fuck the governor. No Cuomo.
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The only way I can climax these days is to write an offensive tweet, put my phone on vibrate, place my phone between my legs and let the notifications roll in.
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My new special, Voluptuous Boy, is out on YouTube. Here’s a clip from that special. Full special here:
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I told the audience I’m 41 and they clapped like I served our country.
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I like it when my bra creaks. It’s sounds like my tits are haunted.
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If you’re into barely legal porn I bet you’d also like illegal porn.
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Since abortion is going out of business can we get them 50% off
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I like treating my body like a science experiment. This week I’m seeing what happens if I eat pizza every day.
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The hardest part of doing your taxes is putting all the paperwork in an envelope and mailing it to your dad so he can do them.
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I'm releasing my album, Voluptuous Boy, as a comedy special this Friday 4/9 9pm ET on Youtube. Subscribe to my channel for the premiere and tell your friends. Here's a clip about me bringing my lunch to work.
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Forest Gump is the ultimate example of white male privilege. It’s about a white guy who has mild retardation who has success in everything he attempts.
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I thought I wanted a baby but then I had to carry around an umbrella around all day while it wasn’t raining and now I’m like, nah.
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I like when people suggest that I leave if a sexual predator is on the same line up as me out of protest. If I did that I would never get stage time.
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I did it. I knocked Weird Al out of the top spot. That guy had too good for too long.
#1
Comedy Album on the iTunes chart belongs to
@stollemache
's "Voluptuous Boy"!! Go stream it and see what all the hype is about!
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"Louis CK is not allowed in this club. Now, your next comic is Jeremy Piven."
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I thought I was losing my sense of taste but it turns out I was cooking a recipe from an English cookbook.
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I think I'm hotter than Princess Diana. That feels pretty great to say out loud.
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Speaking about your friend’s sexual allegations with underage girls while recovering from plastic surgery on podcast is so LA.
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Just made it into a TikTok creator house. It's called Halfway House.
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Getting $600 from the government has the same feeling as getting tipped $1 off of $100 tab and it’s in loose change.
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Taking a vacation. What’s fun to do in Wuhan, China?
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My husband got annoyed that I’m on my phone a lot which made me want to bring up his shortcomings but I’m not allowed to do that because that’s not what we’re talking about so I have to choose a day next week to organically bring up his faults. I’m thinking Wednesday.
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Any guy comic that has ever helped me legitimately never asked to hang out they just put in the good word.
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It's crazy to be that one teacher that says, "There is definitely cum in these crepes. I know cum."
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I think the reason why there’s been a decline in serial killers is because they’re all busy doing standup comedy
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Can you imagine if a female comic gave out comedy tips, the horror. Anyways here’s my tip for female comics. Try not to get raped while on the road.
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It’s like you can smell the cigarette smoke through Twitter.
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Now that Grumpy Cat has passed I’d keep a close watch on IKEA Monkey and Pizza Rat. Celebrity deaths usually happen in threes.
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I do this thing at parties where I set up my husband to share a boring story. I’ll be like, “babe, tell em about that one time you couldn’t find the FedEx slot.”
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If I took both of my butt cheeks and spread them open so you can see my butthole would you give money to my small business of spreading my butt cheeks?
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It would be funny if Jesus came back and we didn’t see it because we were all inside quarantining.
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This is me explaining to a babysitter how to take care of my husband.
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HBO Max is if the $5 DVD bin at Walmart was a streaming service.
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If you could have dinner with anyone living or dead inside who would it be?
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Comics are not truth-tellers. They're point-of-view tellers.
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I'm all for Rogan moderating the debates only if the candidates have to weigh in beforehand.
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When I get bummed about my career, I just remember that no one gave a shit that Richard Branson went to space. More people saw 2 Girls 1 Cup than Branson's mission to space.
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It’s like a glory holes but for kids
Artists installed these neon pink seesaws on both sides of a slatted steel border fence so kids in the US and Mexico can play together
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I wish I had 15 friends
Woman, 15 friends test positive for coronavirus after night out at Lynch’s
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My new defense mechanism for walking home late at night as a woman is where I keep my head held up high and just accept that I might get murdered.
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There should be Tinder for guys who just want their dicks sucked and the girls who just want to suck dick. It’d be like ten million guys and five weirdo girls.
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I quit drinking and now have made the most perfect life to be an alcoholic in.
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I’ve started this new work process where I do 25 minutes of work then take a day off then another 25 minutes of work.
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If you want to know what depression feels like go to a Starbucks in a Target.
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The transgender bathroom at work just ends up being the bathroom that everyone takes a shit in.
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Guys, I made Mario Batali's Apology Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls. They're pretty good.
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Looking forward to cyber bully Monday. I have my eye on a few teenagers I’d like to troll.
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