Feeling lonely and out of place at this party. I quietly retreat to the corner, backing into a tall potted ficus. Its frond brushes gently at my shoulder. I swing at it with a decisive right hook because I think it's a bee.

My Boss: Hey, quick question about that sales report you sent over. Page 8 just says "Moisture"?. Me: Sorry, we had The Worm Intern do that one. The Worm Intern: Moisture 🪱.

RT @keyofgeo: wondered why there’s no paper in the copier. turns out a bird ate the worm intern 🤦‍♂️.

Do you think the next posting trend can be The Worm Intern? Just a funny idea I thought of, an intern who's a worm. I think I'd be happier about coming on here if I got to read some nice posts about The Worm Intern. No worries if not.

Poisoning my husband by adding a small amount of honey to his tea every day.

Krogh try be good guy but no understand orc woman. Krogh bring her flower but it not thoughtful enough. Ok, bring her Krogh favorite axe. She not swing it right, so Krogh show her right way, but now she say go home, no want talk. Too much pressure on Krogh.

Everyone else in the exit row is allowed to give a verbal yes but they always make me bleat like a goat instead.

RT @stackofbears: (first day impersonating a doctor) I need you to go home. Eat a fibrous vegetable. Forget all these nasty thoughts. A kid….

We've conquered the orange and taken its juice. The apple, too - its juice is ours. But still the lowborn pebble thwarts our efforts, and we know not yet the zest of its sweet milk. Due pity to all us fools who would seek to juice the world.

(calmly reclining in therapist's office) As far back as I can remember, I've always respected the Altoid.

Wish I could make one of those "LBJ if he were still alive" posts, but sadly I've never met the man.

In warlock chat: Who else Amulet keep them up all night 🤣. To my most loyal underling: I fear the Amulet no longer calls out to me. .

I'm one with my breath on the freeway. Struck by sudden insight, I'm realizing the oneness of all beings. I'm breaking out into laughter over it, I'm sideswiping a Ram truck and causing a five minute slowdown. You are still on the fastest route, despite heavier than usual traffic.

Are you sure? By unsubscribing you'll no longer receive emails related to bugs, worms, beetles, and dirt.

(selecting COWORKER FAREWELL in my neural implant) Well, I'm heading out, have a nice weekend! (selecting RECREATION MODE) Error. User has nothing to go home to.

The secret to living a happy life is to "go about your day". There's really nothing that compares to this.

Keep the change? Hah. My friend, the Buddha might tell you change is the only thing we CAN keep. Put your disgusting money away.

Oh, grain! Just one groam of it would have me grinning with delight

Grains! Oh, goody, I've got grains in my lunch tin today, what a joy! Wouldn't you look? Wouldn't you look here and see? Oh, what fun!.

I went to high school with this kid who would always leave eraser shavings on his desk, which I sat at next period. I hated him, I would say such horrible things. Then one day he left an impeccably-shaded sketch of a boat, the same one I now captain for a commercial cruise line.

Direct message? I don't know about that. A circuitous one will do.