My husband and I decided we don't want children. It was a difficult decision, but we're telling them tonight.

I think I’m spending too much time on here. 😂

Today marks my first anniversary on 𝕏! While Elon’s responses to me are undoubtedly exciting, my favorite moments are when I can give a first like to someone whose post didn’t receive the attention it deserves. Below are my analytics from this year, which are based on a few

What legos do when we’re not looking

I NOW HAVE AN EPIPEN. MY FRIEND GAVE IT TO ME AS HE WAS DYING. IT SEEMED VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM THAT I HAVE IT.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch out for turning women.

Drinking a large amout of water every day helps you avoid other people's drama because you're too busy peeing. Stay hydrated.

I told my wife I'd like to be cremated. She made an appointment for next Tuesday.

I think it's funny that they're now putting jokes on the back of bacon packages. Listen to this one: Serving Size: 2 slices

People who drive faster than me? Reckless lunatics. People who drive slower than me? Annoying cowards. And me? Perfect, as per usual

It's not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and I reported them for harmful content.

Remember, when you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it is illegal to dig it up. Follow me for more gardening tips.

We can FINALLY post voice notes!! ▶︎ ●────────── 0:29

A loan at a bank can take 30 years to pay off. If you rob a bank, you're out in 10 years. Follow me for more for more financial advice

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you are a terrible parent. I don't care how busy you are. Find the time to microwave them.

Me: do you have to poop? Toddler: no Me: are you sure? Toddler:

If you think fireworks are loud, try opening one of these late at night

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Press 2 for English: 2 AT&T Rep: Dank yu fur coling ad&d